New Year’s

On January 1st, I was laying in bed trying to sleep. Was this the way things were supposed to be? Is this the way I should feel? In my heart I knew it wasn’t. I need my life back. I need to be the person I once was.

Barbara, a dear friend, and my mentor told me that I needed someone to take my hand. Someone to help me build this bridge and bring me across the moat. I am not alone. I have the offer of strength by the person who stands closest to me. I have silent resolution of hope from my once best friend. And from the one who once shared my life I have encouragement only he can offer at this time. Lastly, although most definitely not least I have one to turn to in prayer. With him anything is possible.

I don’t deny a conflict of emotions. My heart right now literally feels so heavy. The past two night I could only toss and turn as sleep fled from me. I long to be held in my dreams, to be loved unconditionally.

So here I am, ironically finding my resolve on the day that the world makes their resolutions. I pray for all the help and support that I can get. I pray that this time I make it. I now know all that I had, all that it was worth and how much I need that. I need to make that my focus, and not let go.

I wish that I had someone to turn to for moral encouragement. Someone who understands and can really push me everyday. My sister had her husband, and I’m sure that made it so much easier. But, I will keep reminding myself that the strongest person I know is only a whisper away.

Tonight I again pray for sleep.

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