I have had so many realizations and thoughts lately. I want to write some of them out. I feel the need to make them concrete.
First, I realized how much I missed prayer. When you feel like you can’t approach God in prayer you have found yourself in a sense of isolation. I know someone I love who only prays once a day, each night as he goes to sleep. I have prayed constantly this week, and can’t see limiting myself to just once a night. My heart is bursting with so much to tell Him, to ask Him, and to ask Him for. I feel an overwhelming appreciation for the ability to pray, the chance to have that kind of relationship.
Next, I can’t believe I had forgotten so many of my dreams. My mom once had told me to write a list of all the things I’d want in a man to marry one day. This is so long ago. I don’t know if I ever did that, but in my mind I have a collection of thoughts. I have so many dreams that I want to accomplish one day, and so many of them I want to accomplish with the one I love. So many of them are very simple wishes. Someone to sit next to me at the meetings, to hold my hand. Someone to go out with after the meetings when all the friends want to get something to eat. Someone to be stronger than I am spiritually, so that when I am weak, I need not worry. Someone to be working hard at the Kingdom Hall Quick Build’s, even if we are doing different jobs. I want my husband to be an elder in the congregation one day. I want to go to Bethel, or do the international building, quick build’s or whatever.
It’s hard because I feel like I had so much lost the sense of myself. And that in finding it, realizing who I’ve been has been a lie. Like I’ve been cheating, because I haven’t really been me. The true me.
Through all this I have come across an interesting question to myself. Love, I believe comes from the most simplest of who we are. All that I have been is still me, just missing so much more of who I am. So love of that simple person extends to the full person, right? Because something that has always been a part of us, whether realized at the moment or not, is still who we are. And love based on that is still love, and if it doesn’t extend, it isn’t because of not loving the person. (Or in other words, you don’t stop loving a person, because they haven’t changed.) It’s because of some kind of preconcieved ideas about what type of person has those qualities. Like the dreams I wish for. They don’t change me. But people can decide that they’ll view me differently because of them.
Sometimes I feel like I’m confusing so many people. But in my head it all makes sense. I use this space for me. It’s to make sense of things for me. Working it out of my head, and onto “paper”.