Sunday

“If you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you choose to dance”

It’s funny, I thought I was the person who would always choose to dance – Even Barbara, someone who knows me inside and out, believes that I am. What would make someone think otherwise?

In everything life has handed me, I believe I’ve stepped up to the plate. I don’t shrink back from challenges or even step away when it’s not easy. I roll with the punches and try to stick it out. I don’t think there is only one thing I can think of where I ever gave up.
If given the choice to sit it out or dance, please tell me you believe I would dance?

Another interesting development out of my conversation with Barbara was understanding my “needing” a plan. She said in all this time she’s always known how it helps me when I have a plan – but that she hadn’t realized that not having one is dibilitating. It’s true. Since the begining of the year I’ve sort of been an speciman under study. Angela has a plan, knows what going on – she sleeps. Angela doesn’t have a plan, or part of her plan she can’t settle (it may be dependant on someone else) – she doesn’t sleep.

Last night I didn’t sleep well. I wonder if it’s just waiting until everything settles… Waiting until my new week starts and I’m in my routine. The routine I’ll carry forward for the next several weeks, into months.

It’s funny. This routine – it’s been the same since January first. For the first time in my life my doing something, my carrying out my routine, (or being able to do it successfully) greatly depends on someone else. It’s hard realizing that in a way I’ve become dependant on people. But in another way, I don’t mind. I’ve spent so much of my life believing I had to do it all on my own.

When people know about moving back in with my parents (like the girl at the video store) they feel bad for me, cringe even. I tell them it’s not a bad thing. My parents leave me alone. I’m an adult they said, free to make my own choices. But I get a home to come home to. A place where people live, life exists. That is something that people shouldn’t take for granted. I don’t.

Barbara said that on long weekends she usually plans a project, something to do that would span that time. I’m wondering what to do on my day off in Febuary. I was thinking I should go see my family. A twelve hour road trip. I’m sure that driving twelve hours by myself hasn’t gotten to be any better of an idea since I last considered it at Christmas. But my roadtrip buddy can’t go – If so then I probably wouldn’t even be taken the trip. So I guess I’ll decide – probably go for it – and start getting myself in the right mindset to drive that far.

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