A driver’s guide to Charlotte

Charlotte is composed mostly of one street. It just bears MANY different
names. For example:

Wendover is the same as Runnymede, is the same as Woodlawn, is the same
as Billy Graham, is the same as Sugarcreek, is the same as Eastway, is the
same as Wendover.

All directions will most certainly include the following phrase:
“…when you come to the corner of Queens and Queens…”

Sharon Road has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused with:
Sharon Road West, Sharon Road East, Sharon View, Sharon Lakes, Sharon
Amity, Sharon Hills, Sharon Terrace, Sharon Harbor, Sharon Lane, etc.

Charlotteans only know their way to work and their way home. If you ask
anyone for directions, make sure that they’re from out of town.

The 8 a.m. rush hour is from 6:30 to 10:30 a.m.

The 5:00 p.m. rush hour is from 3:30 to 7:30 p.m.

Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning and lasts through 2:00 a.m.

Reversible lanes are not understood by anybody, especially those of us
who live here. Stay out of them unless you are looking for a head-on

The falling of one rain drop causes all drivers to immediately forget
all traffic rules. So will daylight savings time, a girl applying eyeshadow
in the next car, the man shaving and talking on his cell phone at the same
time, or a flat tire three lanes over.

If a single snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for three days and
it’s on all the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a month. All
the grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread, bottled water, toilet
paper, and beer if there is a remote chance of snow, and if it does
snow, people will be on every street corner selling “I survived the blizzard”
It is always Smog Alert Day.

Street construction is a way of life, and a permanent form of
entertainment, especially when a water line is tapped and Charlotte’s
version of Old Faithful erupts. Construction crews aren’t doing their
job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour.

I-485 is our equivalent of the Autobahn. You will rarely see a
semi-truck on I-485, because even the truck drivers are intimidated by the
oversized SUV-wielding housewives racing home after a grueling day at the salon
or the tennis match to meet their children at the school bus, coming home
from the college prep preschool.

The pollen count is off the national scale for unhealthy which starts
at 120. Charlotte is usually in the 2,000 to 4,000 range, and all roads,
vehicles, houses, etc., are yellow from March 28th to July 15th. If you
have any allergies you will die.

The last thing you want to do is give another driver the finger, unless
your car is armored, your trigger finger is itchy and your AK-47 has a
full clip.

So let’s all just try to understand the rules and get along.


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