Nibbles

Well so many thoughts and feelings… The elders talked to me, and wanted reassurance that I wasn’t dating Curtis. I feel like we’re drifting away anyways. We’ve haven’t done anything in so long it seems…

Tonight, going to the meeting I realized another distance that is definate between us. Normally I’d wish for him to be there, I want him to be next to me, and make plans for going out to eat after. But tonight I was for real. I knew he wasn’t coming. (I also as usual know that he feels guilty.) I made plans for dinner with Tobey, and he wasn’t a concern to me. Curt might would think that this is a good thing… Good because he can have his life with me, without having to go. To me, it’s bad, its a sign that we’re moving further apart.

Sitting with Tobey I laughed when she mentioned how very much he just looks like one of us. It’s kind of bittersweet, I guess. I’ve gone through the disolutions and now I’m at reality, seeing clearly, as well as clearly seeing why I would have ever thought.

So I don’t know what the future holds, but at least I’m thinking more about one. I’m not so much down (althought who knows tomorrow), and I’m extracting myself from self-pity. I’ve got stuff to do, places to see, and a life to live. It’s time to get started.

Curtis if ever there is a way for you to know, always know that I wished it to be you. I still hold hope that it’ll be me for you, and you for me… so happy together…

Standard

Leave a Reply