At one time, love was simple to me. It was caring for someone, and giving for them. Love was something that grew as time passed, and it was something enduring. I learned the pains of love, the test of soul, of integrity and of hope.
I just finished reading a book in which One was trained by the love of pain to learn to endure, and to be stronger. It was of giving of yourself completely to be able to lose yourself, in the hope of gaining another. Several years ago I journeyed the same road. I learned, as I believe is truth I guess, sadly, that you can be no more, no less than you are. I don’t say this as pessismism, but merely an observation as clear as “you are what you want to be”.
I was broken, and I mourn the pain of someone alone, sitting lost in himself, in his remorse and his sadness, several hundred miles away.
In the book, justice was only met when the One was able to forgive before executing judgement. I know this too. I forgave, and I hold no resentment. Only sadness for what I was not able to change, for who I was not able to help.
This past few weeks have been incrediably trying for me. My charactered has been tried from every angle. I have been scrutinized, and held for judgement, I’ve been tested and left for wary. I am tired, and I feel sadness, but I am alive.
So long ago, my life was ruled by the future, and dreams I reached out to hold. Hope. Now I live as each day comes, I haven’t look into that distance and seen what I’m working toward. But, I don’t really feel like I’m bad off, I’m just looking at things differently.
It leaves thoughts to be pondered. Is a life living just each day as it comes a life of numbness. Are you void of the emotions of expectation, of anticipation?
On an separate thought, I was thinking about the power of music. This week I bought a new car, with a phenomenal audio system. Listening to music is powerful. With the windows rolled down, the sunroof up, and the cool night air running through me as the music does, I could be content to drive until the ocean forced me to turn. Music touches the memories of our life, and immortalizes them in a way that makes moments even more special. Jonathan running toward me, so happy, and so pleased in a way of innocence still retained, “Water Runs Drive is number one for the fifth week in the row”, he proclaimed to me, having just finished Casey’s Top Forty. Black Hole Sun, and The Undone Sweater song sitting in Carmens camper discussing the impending school year, and our plans for life. Nirvana, playing guitar in a tiny room behind the stage, sacked out together. Two Steps Behind, All for One, and Mariah Cary moves me forward to another era. Limp Bizkit, Tool, Korn to another. Lonely People, for a lonely night on the way home, where a mother reached out the pain her daughter never realized she knew was there, much less understood.
What memories are to come? What songs define today, or my future? So many today I think I’ll never hold in my grasp. A rare cut of a song from a band from the middle of the country, with a dj that only sang with them once. That was a “trip to Florida” where anything was possible, with only reason and work holding us back. Lucky, a song that would remind me that we are perfect, when all my strength was gone, and I was only able to resign. And a concert, where the rest of the night is forgotten, but the amazing voice of a single man, and his guitar, and shared company.
Heres to music. Heres to hoping life continues to be worthy to hold to such powerful songs, and such powerful songs continue to be present to warrant my memories to.