Things I Have Learned About Texas:
Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
Roadrunners don’t say “Beep Beep”.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a couple no one’s seen before.
Possums will eat anything.
Armadillos love to dig holes under tomato plants.
Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.
There are valid reasons some people put concertina wire around their house.
You cannot find a country road without a curve from corner to corner.
A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.
Onced and Twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
Graduating 1st in your class means you left in the 8th grade.
Coldbeer is one word.
People actually grow and eat okra.
Texans really don’t have an accent.
When the world ends, only cockroaches and mesquite trees will survive.
Green grass DOES burn.
When you live in the country, you don’t have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your gate in the middle of the night.
The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first couple of weeks.
When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it’s time to go to the doctor.
Fixinto is one word.
A tank is a dirt hole in the ground that holds water for irrigation.
The word dinner is confusing. There’s only lunch and then there’s supper.
Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re 2 (well, there’s also Dr. Pepper).
Backards and forards mean I know everything about you.
‘Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning “Did you eat?”
You don’t have to wear a watch because it doesn’t matter what time it is.
You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.
Texas has 6 seasons:
Spring Feb 16 to April 15
Summer April 16 to July 15 (temp 90 to 98 degrees)
Super Summer July 16 to Sept 10 (temp 100 to 115 degrees)
Summer Sept. 11 to Oct 1 (temp 90 to 98 degrees)
Fall Oct 2 to Dec. 1
Winter Dec. 2 to Feb 15
The wind blows at 90 MPH from Oct. 2 until June 25, then it stops totally until Oct 2.
You know you’re in Texas when:
1. You measure distance in minutes.
2. You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.
3. Stores don’t have bags; they have sacks.
4. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.
5. You use “fix” as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.
6. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car … for your OWN car.
9. You know what “cow tipping” and “snipe hunting” is.
10. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
11. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
12. You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
13. The local papers covers national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
14. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
15. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
16. You find 100 degrees F “a little warm.”
17. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, Still summer, and Christmas.
18. You know whether another Texan is from east, west, north or south Texas as soon as they open their mouth.
19. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more.
20. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as “goin wal-martin” or off to “Wally World.”
21. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chilly weather.
22. A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola, or pop … it’s a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor.
23. You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from Texas.