Convention Hookups

Here are the different types of guys that are out there at the convention…
The WatchersThe ones who sit with binoculars during the whole convention and stare at you.
The FrontersThe ones who give you this long story about how they’re a ministerial servant, regular pioneer, etc. All the while you’re staring at a diamond stud in their ears.
The Wall-holder-uppersNow brothers, there’s nothing wrong with standing by a wall. But if you’re there when I arrive, when I go to the bathroom in the morning, at lunch and in the afternoon, there’s a problem.
The AnnoyersThe guy who meets you on Friday and every time you pass him, he’s calling your name and saying “HI!!”
The PlayerThe guy who tries to get your number Friday, and by Sunday has tried to talk to all the girls.
The Desperate OneThe one who begins with, “Can I get your number?” You reply “No”, and then he proceeds to ask for every sort of communication to reach you (address, pager, cell, e-mail, etc.).
The Fast OneThe one who meets you on Friday, and by Sunday he’s trying to sit with you.
The GamerThe one who walks by you a few times, looking for your name on your lapel badge. Then, next time he passes by, he calls you by your name and says “Don’t I know you?”
The Shy OneThe one who has his boy tell you what he wants you to know.
The FollowerThe one who follows you all 3 days of the convention, but never says a word to you.
The StalkerThe one who meets you at the convention, then shows up at your hall for the very next meeting.
The LiarYou find out later that he’s 30 years old, has been married 7 years, divorced for 1 year, is currently engaged, and still trying to talk to you.
The O.G.The ones you’ve seen the past 10 years, standing on the walls trying to talk to everyone.
The “I’m Too Fine, So I Know You Want Me” OnesOnes who approach you, but automatically think that you want them.
and last, but certainly not least, we have:
The Wanted OnesThese are the ones who have all the qualities you like, are the complete opposite of the guys mentioned above, but never approach you.

And in response to this…
“There has been a recent e-mail circulation that describes the different sorts of brothers that sisters have had to endure during District Convention weekends just to find the right brother. On behalf of these shady brothers, we, the more spiritually inclined brothers, the “wanted ones”, wish to extend to you sisters an apology. We simply didn’t realize what you were going through; at times, it would seem as though you were more interested in the “player” brothers than in us. We are glad, though, that you see these “brothers” for the fakes they really are. You have to understand, however, that our reluctance to introduce ourselves is, in part, due to the display of some sisters thus making it hard for us to distinguish the marriage material from the Great Tribulation material. Here are just a few descriptions of what we have noticed. Keep in mind that we don’t view all of you in this manner; in fact, these categories represent a select group of sisters that we, the “wanted ones” try to avoid:
Liars – these sisters say, “I would love to go to Bethel someday… I could
definitely see myself as a pioneer when I’m married. “Meanwhile, you can’t
help but to notice their tight-fitting dress with a slit beginning at the waist
as they
say it.
$$$isters– these sisters wear so much make-up that they cause riots with the
sales reps at Macy’s. Her nails are so long that shaking her hand would be
Jehovah to the test. The color of their hair is anything BUT the color of THEIR
hair (grape-ity purple, lemony yellow, and blueberry blue)? IF THAT IS THEIR
HAIR. And she thinks she is the finest thing at Nassau Coliseum. (BROTHERS-
count every item of gold or platinum jewelry she has on. that’s ONE JOB PER
ITEM to provide for her.)
Gigglers – this group of girls chooses a particular spot at the convention
site and proceeds to laugh as though they heard the most hilarious joke so
can come over to them to find out what they were laughing about.
“Gifted” Sisters – these sisters claim to have the “gift of singleness”; meanwhile
they have given their phone number, e-mail, pager#, etc., to at least 5 brothers
and they know where/when every gathering in the tri-state area is being held.
Both English AND Spanish.
Fakers – these sisters are on a more shall we say PSYCHOTIC level than the
GIFTED ones. These sisters refuse to get married? NOT EVER?. EEEEEVVERRR!!!!
speak of this divinely established arrangement as though it was a curse, and
those seeking to get married will not survive Armageddon. And the brother,
WHO SHE JUST GAVE HER NUMBER TO, must feel the same way.
Baby’s Mama Sisters – instead of being straight forward about her child, this
sister will keep her child with her parents, relatives, or say it’s a sibling,
ring finally comes around.
Stalkers – these sisters/ possibly worldly girls, rather than sit attentively
and take notes during the meeting, view the convention meeting as the perfect
to pass notes about a particular brother in the area. They use binoculars to
see where his seat is and when he leaves. Their friends are positioned in different
areas of the arena, each equipped with cell phones and 2-way pagers. And it
is just coincidence that every where the brother goes, THERE SHE IS. Do you
introduce yourself, or inform the attendants that you are in possible danger!!!
Shulamnite Maidens – this sister is PLATINUM personified marriage material.
She is modest, takes notes during the convention meetings, volunteers in any
that she can, keeps her association balanced, is attractive while not being
provocative, and is the TOTAL OPPOSTIE of all the sisters mentioned. She is
the one that “wanted brothers” would cut their right arm off for just to say “hi”.
Unfortunately, the “wanted” brothers are just too busy to say hi. So when you
sisters AND JUST YOU SISTERS, see us taking care of the garbage at the conventions;
with an attendant badge on, trying desperately to balance our attention between
the talks and the sister with 9 inch heels who is about to stumble down the
stairs; regulating traffic in the corridors when we would love to be taking
notes; staying 3 hours after the convention has ended to clean the whole site;
canvassing the parking lot in the HOT weather to protect your cars, etc. come
over and just say “hello”. Commend us for sacrificing our time so that you
could have an enjoyable and safe weekend at the District Convention. Invite
us to your local meeting. Or …..Go talk to the brothers who have been leaning
against the walls of the corridors for all three days. Hey… they can’t ALL
be disfellowshipped.”


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