Nibbles

keller

well that really sucks. keller tells brian i’ve posted photos (which when i posted i knew he’d know immediately) but in a negative light. brian tells me tonight and my first reaction was a little bit of surprise because i had already changed the album title, details, and basically the overall tone. i had originally posted them as a reaction to the hurt and because people who thought i was a cheater in rome. anyone can look at those photos and imagine a little more level playing field. at the very least it leveled my heart.

in any case, i knew last week that keller was not my friend. i IM’ed him and emailed him, and he didn’t respond. no, instead he emailed brian and asked for my ticket. charlie needed one. why not ditch the girl? would brian have uninvited me if it weren’t for keller? i guess i’ll never know because brian’s so fucked in the head he couldn’t tell the truth one way or another. but i’ll always believe we would have gone together… because what he did instead is low class.

what’s even worse is the conversation that it motivated. thanks keller. and you didn’t even use the ticket. 10 years from now i will remember that. you won’t be in my wedding. you did nothing to help us, you were a naysayer.

so in the end – yeah, i shouldn’t have sent the email, because i already knew that keller wasn’t my friend. a real friend would have helped brian figure out what he really wants, how he really feels, not helping him follow some woman hater script. a real friend would have checked on me to see how i was doing. a real friend would have responded to my IM & email even if to say “I don’t know (what the plan with the show is)”. a real friend would have seen the photos and emailed me to say, “hey, are you sure you wanna do that because people might think…” But, no, Keller wasn’t a real friend. Keller isn’t a real friend.

Nothing like a relationship in the lurch to determine who is and isn’t.

Oh – and I’m not going to be in a relationship where it can’t be completely open and honest. What I did in emailing Keller violated that trust, but it can and will be earned back. There’s a reason the law has protection for married couples.

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lemonade and rachel

Starting a new post with my positive happy thoughts…

My lemonade is yummy, and as long as there are no crossing paths I’m happy I stopped to get it.

And Rachel called back just as I was walking in to meet Jeremy. Things didn’t go as well as she hoped with Giuseppe. We chatted for a moment and she was thrilled with the idea of having me come visit. I now just need to find a ticket for cheap enough. I used to go to the city all the time when I was single. I wish there was some way to figure out how many times I went in those couple of years. (Couple… was it only two?) Last I recall I had gone nine times, but that was a long time ago. In any case, it’ll be nice to be with her. She knows exactly how I feel about Brian. She was the last person to see me in love.

Now all I need to do is find a ticket.

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fremont and belltown

i had lunch with Jeremy at this barbeque place that was really quite good in Pioneer Square. It was on First and might be called Longhorn or something. They serve sweet tea, which was a perk. Anyway I was then headed to Dad Watson’s which was my original intention after my violin lesson, before getting sidetracked to have lunch with Jeremy. I was crusing down First and then passed Cherry Street. Earlier I had considered my old haunt, Uptown Espresso, but I just wasn’t in the mood for coffee… I love the tea at Dad Watson’s. But lemonade, now that’s a whole ‘nother thing! I circled the block looking for parking (and in a split moment when making the decision realized that I wasn’t quite sure how to get to Fremont from Belltown, I always come the opposite route). I circle all the way around back to a spot in front of the church. Then I start to feel bad. As I pay for my parking I start to feel bad…

Am I on his turf. Is it uncomfortable to be so close? What if he drives right by here? I reason that it’s easier to get to Capital Hill later for the show. It’s easier to park here. I can’t believe I’m going through these thoughts. I can’t believe I can’t go where I want in this city. But maybe that’s the point. Maybe it’s not my city, maybe it’s his. I used to hang out in Belltown quite a bit before we met. Top Pot, Uptown, Wasabi, Shorties (yuck!), The Waterfront, The Edgewater bar… but somehow now I feel uncomfortable and I’m sitting here thinking of leaving. Cherry Street is on the shady side of the street anyway. It’s kind of cold here. Maybe I’ll get my 2 hour meters worth out of it and then run.

Is it any wonder I can’t stand the thought of staying if we’re not together. Who’d get what neighborhoods in the breakup? I claim dibs on Fremont but, he’s had a longer claim than I have even if I spend more time there lately. UW is obviously mine with no debate. Cap Hill would be mine. But I guess I’d have to give up Belltown. Sorry – I’d put up a fight for that. But not today, it’s too windy and cold.

Damn it. I was in a great mood too. I should have turned off 1st in Pioneer Square. I never should have driven through here. And I shouldn’t be sitting here now. I think I’d have a heart attack if he wandered across me. Geez, this is messed up isn’t it?

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you

it’s a shame that this was written because he had given me some horrible news and i was locked, crying in the bathroom. but maybe if you can get past the first line then you can see why i believed in us.

Angela,

Never in my life have I ever been so ashamed. Truly, honestly, I have no idea what happened – but I can promise to you it meant nothing. For the first time in my entire life I finally have a treasure who has entered into it – someone with energy, character, charisma, intelligence, and more. The list of your positive traits goes on and on, but more importantly to me is that you make me a better person, make me strive to be a better person, to be the best person I can possibly be for you. I do this because I am in love with. I don’t love you – it is so much deeper, I can honestly say I am in love with you – when I go to sleep I think of you. When I’m at work and stressed, I think of you, when I’m lonely I wish I was with you – there is nothing more that I want in my life then you – you are the end all and the be – my whole perspective on everything has changed. I look at going out with friends differently, I look at other couples differently because I wonder if what they have is as wonderful as what I have with you – you are so special it is amazing. I look at other women differently – I think about them in terms of what you would say… You are the tops, the most beautiful, most amazing, most caring, most adoring person a guy could have in his life. I am blessed to have you in my life – I am the happiest I have been in many many years.

I had to sit down and write this because I didn’t know what to do – my mind is spinning uncontrollably right now – -the fact I hurt you for no reason, for no explanation and for NO meaning – that kills me inside, I want it to go away, I would do anything. The fact you are in there right now, not wanting to be with me when all I want to do is hold the person who I love and cherish from the bottom of my heart, with every ounce and ability I have inside me right now, to grovel on my knees to let you feel how much I love you – you can feel it – you can see it – you know it – it emanates from me – it consumes me – and I LOVE IT.

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sleeping with the enemy

it’s funny how when you’re in the groggy state of sleep that you’re trying to shake off that it seems things get shaken around a bit in your head and pieces fall together to form interesting thoughts… sometimes they’re odd images of nonsense, and sometimes it’s shocking what you come up with.

since the wilco show sami and keller have been doing wall-to-wall flirting which shows up on my news feed. i haven’t had time to figure out how to filter some of this stuff away. i also know that tim sneath has a green card and jeff sandquist is going to fry’s. i guess that is why sami was in my mind. and then i thought about keller knowing and him not knowing that sami doesn’t know…

then i realized wait a minute.

he slept with her best friend.
sami == justin

but while justin claims it didn’t happen or doesn’t remember (therefore it wasn’t intentional) and i don’t know what the fuck happened and how…

they did it knowing, intentionally and on going.

funny how i forget the worst things about brian growing up. i remember the incident with the lawsuit in school (which wasn’t a him thing) but i forget that in the grand scheme of things he’d better drop it.

just to make sure i’m not still groggy and missing something, i’m going to go through this to be sure.

hannah and he were broken up.
so where we
but was it different?
no, she loved him and thought they were just broken up for distance sake

  • proof points: brian flew her out to Seattle at least once on his dime. he hid me from her long after we’d been seeing each other. he knew better than to bring sami anyway around, but not enough about women’s intuition than to hide the flowers.

they still hooked up after and during this going on, he was sleeping with her and her best friend
differences: brian did it knowingly, ongoing, and would never have told her. be based not telling her on his perspective of the relationship knowing that wasn’t the shared truth.

when this first happened, he said something about telling hannah because she would probably enjoy it. he’s right. in her eyes justice was served.

i have no heart to make conclusions. i’m just happy to know that justin claims it didn’t happen or has absolutely no memory of it. and i’m not much better. but we were broken up, he broke up with me, and it didn’t happen like brian did with sami. i’m not like that. i may not be redeemed, but i’m certainly not worse than him.

and i would never wish any of brian’s past doings on himself. i don’t think he’s strong enough to survive what he’s done to others. i would rather protect him and see him be a better person. that was the best statement he’s every made about me, that he’s a better person with me.

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therapy

you know i haven’t been proud of how i’ve been feeling lately. so lost, so desparate, so angry, so abandoned, so unloved. most of all i haven’t been proud of how felt like it wasn’t worth living if brian had given up on me. on us.

but the end of that last post shocks me. i can’t believe what i wrote. sure, janice takes the week of the week i have something to start talking about! it made me think of how much no one really knows. of the fear i used to live with. how i used to hate that there weren’t any bruises. it wasn’t bad enough for anyone to help, but enough to destroy me. i’ve known for a long time that justin reminded me of brad. that attitude.

i feel like it’s the worst idea to write this, but i wish that i could have vengence. i couldn’t comprehend what was going on then, but i can now. why did i shrink back in fear? i could have stopped it. i could have destroyed him. and it’s funny, what brad did to me doesn’t seem as bad. i’d prefer that to what justin did. brad only did that to me once.

i guess i don’t spend alot of time thinking back (haha, i just broke from my tears that were about to start when i realized that brian hates when people write “a lot” as “alot”. god i love him. i’ve tried so hard to fix that error after he casually mentioned it once!)

what was my point? i guess that i don’t spend a lot [sic] of time thinking back because it’s so bad. it’s a nightmare i lived. but i don’t know that i learned a grander lesson from it. sure i don’t think i’ll ever let a guy threaten me physically anymore, but that’s not because i hit back, it’s because i won’t get into that situation. i’ll walk away. fact is i’m scared shitless of being fucked up by some guy. of finally getting the shit kicked out of me the way i’ve always feared. but you can’t always protect yourself from getting into the situation. i could get mugged, and i guess i would just let it happen. i think that’s different, but still. point is, i walked right into this mess thinking i was safe. and when it came down to it i just let it happen to me. i’m just like my mother. i remember her telling me when i was young that she just let it happen because it was easy than fighting back and arguing with her brother over whether or not his friend just raped her. i’m not better than my mother.

i think i might find a self defense class. but what i really want is the ability to devastate some mans ability to ever think of having children the next time someone comes anywhere near crossing the line. i fucking dare them. but see that’s just how it works. you have to be sure he’s warranted it, because you can’t take it back. it reminds me of what my dad told matthew once when matt was pissed. he said “hit me. but make it count, kid. you’d better lay me out because you only have one shot.” i imagine that’s the gist of it. that’s why i never fought back.

i remember one night putting a knife under my side of the bed. brad found it. that’s the night the gouge was put in the kitchen wall. i held to the knife with all my might because i knew at that point it was a stupid idea because now i was fucked. he pinned me to the wall (why do i still remember so vividly the colors of those walls?) and kept smashing my wrist against the wall. i remember being afraid on two accounts then… not only what he’d do to me after he got it free from my hand, but also that it would fall to my feet and i wasn’t wearing shoes, and there was alot of skin along the way. i don’t remember the end of the story. i probably begged. i don’t know. i think that was the same night that i had written the poem below.

truth be told, i don’t want to work through this shit, i just want to be protected and forgiven. i don’t want to turn these stories over in my head, analyze them, look for flaws in my behaviors, figure out what caused what, and all that. it’s a life i can’t even picture as being mine. and i lived it for four years. i just want to forget.

but i want to learn how to hurt a man. there is a movie i’ve always secretly liked. it’s with jennifer lopez and it’s called “enough”. and there is an older one with julia roberts called “sleeping with the enemy”, but that one didn’t strike me as much as enough did.

okay. i feel slightly better. i’m not raging inside. i’m exhausted. i think i’m taking a sleeping pill again tonight. olivia suggested sleeping on the couch… apparently that’s why i slept so well while my brother was here. apparently it’s because it feels like someone is sleeping beside you.

oh, and on that note, i’ll have to note that for all that brad did to me after i was rid of him the hardest thing to do was to sleep alone. i guess that is what i’m going through again. at least i’m not my mother. she knew that he was never coming back.

i’m so tired.

October 1999, Lest it should be forgotten.

I sit here in the dark. I feel pretty much nothing inside.
You are in a better place, but without me.
I don’t know what to say or do.
I can’t leave because you won’t let me live without you.

Death is not an option until Life is a reality. How can you die until you’ve lived?
I wonder if I will be here, and it’ll all be the same, many years from now.
I wonder if we’ll get a divorce and move on apart from each other.

I really can’t see a future, can you?
I can’t see one day when we’ll have kids.
I can’t see one day when our brothers and sisters return.
I can’t see one day when the sun shines on us together.
I can’t see one day when you dance with me.
I can’t see one day when our children are born.
I can’t see one day when they grow up.
I can’t see one day when someone else’s life continues becomes more important than our own.
I can’t see one day when you smile lovingly down at my face.
I can’t see one day when my dad is alive.
I can’t see one day when we live.
I can’t see one day when we live forever.

I don’t want it to be like this. But there seems to be a problem bigger than us.
But, you can’t fix a something that isn’t broken.
And you don’t think that there’s anything broken.

How do you love someone who isn’t themselves?
How do you love someone who isn’t alive?
How do you love someone who doesn’t notice?
How do you love someone who doesn’t reply?
I want to believe in us, but there doesn’t seem much to believe in.
I want to believe in God, but noone seems to be out there.
I want to believe in love, but there is only hate.
I want to believe in you, but you don’t seem to care.

What ever happened to when we used to talk, together?
What ever happened to when we used to cry, together?
What ever happened to when we used to laugh, together?
What ever happened to when we used to work, together?

I try so hard to look forward.
But to what?
I try not to look back,
but you do.

More and more we gain, less and less we have.
Other people envy us.
They think we’re so great.
How they would love to have someone like us,
and to love and to take.
But if only they really knew,
if only they cared.
But no one bothers,
no one dares.

Who wants to admit that something is broken,
Who wants to admit a three-cord bond that is torn?
Who wants to help when evil befalls us,
who wants to carry us thru the storm?
But up to us it is, to make it thru.
Up to us it is, to practice the things we should do.

But so far away the days seems to fade.
So far away when it all seemed so clear.
So here I sit, and there you are.
At the meeting, so close but so far.

What does it take to feel again?
What does it take to live again?
What does it take to avoid death at the end?
This letter, like all, it must end.

Do you fear death, my love, losing my life?
Do you fear the pain in my Mom’s eyes?
Do you fear answering to why I wasn’t happy?
Do you fear trying to pretend it hasn’t happened?

One day I will be gone.
One day you won’t notice.
One day I will be gone.
And no one will notice.

You’ve lost me so far.
They’ve all lost me so far.

They say when God seems far away
you should guess who moved.
I guess I’ve moved, and he doesn’t know my forwarding address.
A friend who doesn’t write,
but cares all the same?

Why doesn’t someone stop me,
from this life that I live?
Why doesn’t someone love me,
from this hate that I give?
When does it all end?

I picture my head, my hair a mess and bloody…
you accidently pushed too hard, and I hit it on the corner of the bed.

I picture my baby, laying in the toilet.
You pushed too hard, and hurt my stomach.

I think it’s better this way.
That I die so others may live.

Don’t worry I won’t kill myself,
I have someone else to do that for me.

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tonight

tonight i went to happy hour with Kei and Chris. i did manage to get five tickets for all us to Young Frankenstein.

i was sitting there at seven when i checked my phone to find out that i had missed meeting up with Olivia. i had had it scheduled for tomorrow, and inadvertantly stood her up. i paid my bill and raced over to the spa to meet her.

afterwards we went to the mall, and she had me go into Tiffany’s and another jewlery store. she wanted to see watches (for paul) and necklaces and earrings. nobody but me knows, but shes buying us the amazing three diamond necklaces and matching earrings. the necklaces are almost $700 each. i didn’t see how much the earrings are. when she told me i told her that they are amazing, but that we love her and that nobody expects that… that if she needs to cut back that they should be the first to go! (she isn’t thinking of it, but thought i could help…) i guess i’m just stunned. no one, no one, has ever been so generous to me before. i don’t own jewelry that expensive, let alone a friend spending over a $1,000 on me! i’m stunned and humbled.

we went from there to ann taylor where i ordered $300 worth of shoes to find one pair that might work. i don’t know why, but they are all $100+ a pair. that’s as much as the dress… but oh well, its nothing compared to what she’s spending. then the lady at the counter said that i could have free shipping if i had an ann taylor card. well, brian owns the card. i looked over at olivia and then realized that it was just easier to call. so i broke the pact and called brian to get his social security number so they could look up the card. then i was just flabbergasted. he was so warm and happy and friendly and easy going. it kills me. my heart wonders if he is reaching out to me, if he misses me. then there is the insecure cynical me that “realizes” that he’s just giving me the nice guy routine, or treating me as a friend, as in here’s my effort because i don’t love you anymore but we can still be friends, right?

olivia and i went to sushi and reed called. he had texted a couple of times tonight. oli and then went upstairs for a bit and i made her tea. she left just before 11 so i could get on this crazy late night conf call i’m on right now.

so yeah, i tried hard to not think of brian today, but i saw him pulling into the garage… i looked right past him, but his face went from a huge smile to flat when he turned and saw me. and then he left his laptop sitting on the table in the conference room as we were all leaving and i had to try so hard not to care, to go over and collect his things or call and see if i should grab it for him. i mean, reasonably, he wasn’t far, but still it was in me to take care of it, of him.

also i stopped this morning on the way into the office to get a mini bottle of advil or tylenol for my purse because brian has said several times lately (and boy it kills every time) that real women always carry pain medicine. well it came in handy because miwa needed some and i had it for her. as she sat down (on the other side of Brian across the aisle) she thanked me and i smiled at her, and realized that brian was looking thinking that maybe i meant him. i think he figured out that i was looking past him, but it just sucked and at the same time maybe it made him feel good for a moment that i was smiling so genuinely, and then crushed to realize it wasn’t for him.

i have to say i feel bad that i wanted him to hurt, but i think in reflection it’s just that i wanted him to realize that he cared. that he cared that my smile wasn’t for him, and maybe there would be a moment where he wished it were for him.

okay, his name has been mentioned several times now in this call. i can’t escape him!

moving on – ok, so i’m planning out my time, both until the end of the month (i’m not going to assume that brian will be done then, but it’s a starting point to plan against) and through the end of september when i start my final quarter as a graduating senior.

mike texted earlier. i called him back after olivia left. he was waiting to board. he said he’d be there for the next hour, but i think he’ll have boarded already. honestly i’d rather not talk to him tonight, i’d rather just stick with my sad thoughts about brian.

oh, tonight made me realize just how much i distrusted brian’s intentions. he bought me the gift certificate from gene juarez (where i started tonight with olivia) and then he comes with a necklace (and i was there too… and said to her that i could never imagine him in there, she said paul or omar either, and i smiled to myself when i realized i could picture him in there far more than them; an odd kind of pride). i don’t know why guys buy gifts when they feel bad or they’ve hurt you. its so sad. why couldn’t he have bought me lingerie when he thought i was irresistable?! or a necklace when he still thought that he was going to marry me?

separately on another tangent it bothers me that i have yet, in our entire relationship, found a meaningful gift for him. i just found one for eilon – but brian, nope. i know that the cabinet was really thoughtful and that it rocks (from a functionality, duration of giving back kind of way) but that’s like getting a vacuum cleaner… or not quite as bad.

last night, did i mention, that i hurried home hoping that he hadn’t tried coming over after the show and gave up because i wasn’t there? i don’t know. but i did. i’m so pathetic. i just love him and want to huggle and snuggle and love him.

i know it’s the right thing to give him time and space, but i’ve felt so unloved (and boring) for so long that i don’t know how long i can hang on. i’m afraid the spirit of our love will have died inside me. at this point it’s all i can do. it just has hurt for so long that i think it’s burned my heart leaving a few embers in ashes.

i think this is why we keep going as we do. classic us is to get back together again, but neither of us has enough constitution to stick out necks out and give more and love until the other can love back. we’re both just too freaking scared and we hobble along until someone gives up and backs up again and then we start the next roller coast dive.

what i wouldn’t give for security. how ironic that i felt most secure when i was in actuality the most insecure.

oh well. who knew i’d be looking forward through the end of summer to school just so i could dive in again. it’ll carry me to the new year, and then i can do whatever i want or need to do.

oh, i have an interview being set up. i’m not certain i really want to – it might really mess with the little clarity i’m trying to work on, but i guess it’s not bad to continue furthering my options.

when i called rachel she was at dinner (she’s just gotten back from india) and hasn’t called me back. i checked out flights today, and like mike know that i was thinking of going. that worries me, i think that i need to establish what seems to be a foregone conclusion, but i’m really tired of thinking i’m safe and that i know where things stand and being slapped in the face. he’s supposed to be back in seattle mid-september or so anyway, so maybe i’ll just do a weekend with rachel and then see him on my own turf.

oh, another side note. i have a perverse daydream of what i’d do to the next guy who tries to take advantage of me in some way. i think about all the options, and i’m working up my mental imagery so i can see it through if ever given (or i should say when i’m given) the opportunity to see my daydream in reality. i think i had a breakthrough moment when i realized that i am afraid of fighting back, of what “he” might do (whoever he should be) to me. i guess it goes back to being fearful of brad, but to be honest i feel like it could be a relief to be hit or something. no body feels sorry for the girl who was taken advantage of who doesn’t have bruises… she should have fought back. let me castrate you mother fucker and then you can knock me fucking in the face. i’ll have my day.

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rome and meaningful people

So as I was reading through the earliest posts the other night (because as a dumb ass I broke my privacy of years and gave this URL to Brian… what was i thinking?!) I came across a post from 2002 where I mention considering moving to Rome with Shelly. Two thoughts struck me at once. First, who in the hell is Shelly? And second, I wanted to move to Rome? I hadn’t even visited for the first time yet!

So here I am thinking I want to write about Mike. Maybe Mike will be a meaningless name one day just as Shelly is, and if that’s the case I want to have record of how he impacted my life.

Tuesday of a week ago I was hanging around in Fremont waiting on Mat to get off work so I could apologize for ditching him the previous week. We had made loose plans (albeit when he’d be drinking and he’s not had a good track record of reliability) to hang out on Tuesday night. At about 7:30 I decided to give up as I hadn’t heard from him, and started walking back to my car parked in the usual locale in Belltown. I was hungry and realized I should take advantage of the choices before going back to the Eastside. This is how I ended up at Wasabi Bistro.

Side story: Incidentally, the day prior while I was at the gym, I thought of Josh McBride and how I should look him up to work out again, and hell, to hang out since I’m amping up my social life in the short time I have before school starts again…

As the waitress is leading me to my seat at the bar, who do I see but Josh sitting there with the most amazing looking model/actress like woman. I don’t know where he finds these girls! We chat for a few minutes, promise to call, and then I head to my seat. For some reason the waitress sat my things next to a single guy at the bar. There was an empty seat on the other side of him, and one at the end of the bar next to my menus. I debated quickly whether it was better to move the menu gracefully down a seat to the end, or just take where I was seated next to this guy. I realized that I would end up chatting him up as another solo diner, so sucked it up and took the assigned seat. We started chatting immediately and had a lot of fun with our conversation. (And I got my sushi first!) I didn’t have a drink, but at this point was still a little bummed from having lost my plans for the evening, so when he finished wolfing down dessert I asked if he’d like to join me at Black Bottle, making it clear that it was just a friendly invitation, and offered to drive him down to his ferry after. He accepted, and off we went. There was just enough time for one drink there, and then I dropped him off. He got my email so we could continue our “interesting” conversation as penpals and then he mentioned he’d be back in Seattle tomorrow either way, leaving it open for me to respond. I said if he’d be interested I’d show him some of the stuff we’d talked about, most being restaurants.

I was in a brilliant mood because I remembered this being like the amazing life I used to have. Meeting random people, and feeling as though I was sparkling. It was like I was back in Rome. Vitality restored. I called Brian, and he wasn’t home yet (phone went to voicemail) and then I got the great idea to drop by and rip the CD for him (I bought the new Brandi Carlile at Swerve on my walk to Wasabi from Pike’s). So I raced upstairs, popped it in, left a postit note and got the hell outta there. Johnny said both “hi” and “bye”, he was smiling at my sing-song voice and happy face. As I was pulling around the corner of Brian’s building he called… we must have missed each other in the elevators. It left an awkward conversation, where I didn’t know what I should do. The confident Angela never would have pulled to the side, I would have stuck to the plan, but unfortunately I’m not that girl right now. I’m dying for his affection, his love, his validation, his anything. I would give anything for him to smile on me, my own personal sunshine. Anyways, I don’t really need to remember the end of that portion of the story or how it made me feel, so moving on…

The next night I pick up Mike and we head to Lake Union’s Blue Water for drinks. Conversation picks up just where it left off… I don’t remember tons of details about what we talked about, but it was just fun easy going conversation like two young kids in grade school goofy to slightly more serious stuff. That night I tell a little of the story about Brian and I. We change venues to go to Thai Tom’s for dinner, and I learn that he’s a Republican. It strikes me as funny because I realize that that means something to me now. (Indication of how much I’ve changed in the past several years.) Dinner was good, then we head to the “cozy, like it gives you a hug when you sit down” place on Captial Hill, Bleu, for after-dinner-prior-to-dropping-him-off-to-go-see-the-boys-drinks. (Yaffe was in town.) I had one lemon drop, and then he ordered a second round, and then we bolted for the ferry. He missed the ferry, Brian told me that there was no reason to come over, and I had to pee. I killed time with him while he waited for the next ferry (which wasn’t until 12.50am!) and actually fell asleep. The next day we met up again (which only happened because I had my violin lesson) though I was feeling pretty miserable. I think I had an allergic reaction or something, because in total I had 4 drinks in 6 hours, with a big dinner. He headed to the airport, and I thought, well that was cool.

I was surprised, not entirely, but still, surprised when he called from Hawaii (this is all business travel) and each day since. I don’t think there’s a day we have chatted at least briefly. He’s this weird buddy who reminds me of a golden retriever while not in a way that makes him pitiful. He’s a solid single guy who’s attractive, dresses well, makes good money, and has a great personality. He’s also Republican and Baptist with an Alabaman southern accent living in Cleveland. He reminds me of how much I’m in love with Brian. Oh, sure, he thinks I’m a moron and he’s a big naysayer for my own good. But looking at him I know that I love Brian. Just as in Italy with Marano, I have no desire, and the thought of dating him. Yag thought he sounded perfect, and that’s when it hit me that it just isn’t. Brian’s the one for me. Sure I can see positive qualities in other people. I can look at people and appreciate “he’s hot” or recognize feeling fantastic like I should with Brian. But it’s not something I want, I want Brian. I love Brian. I want to find that again with him. It’s all I’ve wanted since we first went astray… when we first met and broke each others hearts before we could even admit that we were just right.

So that’s the story of Mike. I’m happy he’s in Cleveland, because I don’t need him getting any ideas, but somehow I’m sure that it’s not about that for him either. We’re two nearly genderless people who can provide a virtual shoulder in a hectic world. And he knows that I love Brian despite as much as he’s trying to kick me to the curb. And somehow I think he doesn’t judge me for that… he just does his best to understand and reason with me.

So I don’t know who Shelly is, and maybe 5 years from now I won’t remember who Mike was. But it’s nice to have people come in and out of your life to be there when you need them.

And Andrea? Well that’s another story. I think it kills him to see me in so much pain. I don’t talk to him right now because I think he can’t reconcile the girl he knew in Rome with the one I am here at home. Frankly I have a hard time doing the same. It’s just insane to see how insecurity wrecks the soul, your confidence, your self-esteem… your sparkle.

I can have Rome here. I know it. And now I know that I have to, even if it means that I lose the love I have sought for so long. Because if I don’t, why would he want me anyway?

It’s nice to know I have support, I have friends. They are friends I’ve known all less than six weeks, but they are my friends. And anyone who would question that, well, they don’t me.

This is my life. I remember this.

Now to meet friends for happy hour!

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i just remembered…

one of the most awesome things about being single – traveling on a whim! i’m looking at tickets for two weeks out.

side note:
had coffee with a friend this morning and after chatting he told me about a choice he made for a girl. he asked if brian would ever do the same for me. i realized i had just posted about that (was it last night?). but’s that’s not really what i’m about. i know what brian is about, i’ve known from the beginning. i’m not going to try to have him compromise his career to take care of my needs. at the same time, i’d like to think that i take care of (or remain aware of) my own, but it’s a choice i make to be with him. i believe that one day there will be time for more travel, or living somewhere with some god damn sunshine. but hey, to be with brian means being in seattle. so i guess the answer is no, but i think maybe one day. but either way, i’m no dummie.

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joy

i just got back from eilon’s place and i’m so elated. it looks so fantastic, he has a real home. it’s cozy and wonderful and amazing. you will be or would be so proud. i was beaming with pride and it was so very hard not to call you and tell you about it. when i experience joy and happiness, i want to share it with you.

i’ve decided that i’d rather feel happy than sad. that i’d rather not sit here and ‘wait’ miserably. that may be harder than i imagine at this point, but i’m going to try.

if i can be happy without you, then surely i could be happy with you if we are together again. and if we aren’t then it only helps that i’ve moved on and found my own happiness.

i just have to swallow the lump in my throat when i realize all the things that i want to share with you, and that i can’t… i must move on. i think that’s what you want me to do. this isn’t our summer. you warned me in the spring, and i’ve been in denial ever since. besides, you don’t even appreciate summer or even Dave like i do. so it’s okay, you wouldn’t get it anyway.

today it’s been rolling around in mind what you said last night (was that only last night, it seems like so much has moved inside me). you said that you used to find me irresistable. you couldn’t resist me.

i know i can be that again.

Come see
I swear by now
I’m playing time against my troubles
I’m coming slow but speeding
Do you wish a dance and while
I’m in the front
The play on time is won
But the difficulty is coming here
I will go in this way
And find my own way out
I won’t tell you to stay
But I’m coming to much more
Me.
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wilco

are you thinking of me? do you miss me? or at least just feel a little sad that i’m missing it?

i feel oddly content, sad, and just thinking of you. hoping you’re having a good time, and feeling that warm feeling of love. and hoping that maybe, just maybe, you think of me at least for one small moment fondly.

on the other hand, it would kill to know you didn’t think of me at all, or that you did and you were glad i wasn’t there or that it was with a bad thought.

i wish i wouldn’t have told you that i didn’t miss you when you called. that wasn’t the truth, i just didn’t know any better. the truth is that i had missed you. and then let go of you.

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the backstory

they say first you get mad, then you get even.

not me.

i get mad, frustrated and hurt all in one devastating ball that usually comes with a runny nose that needs blowing.

and it’s usually, or at least lately, because i’m feeling pretty stupid about something.

the backstory on last night…

on sunday night i was shopping online for folding lawn chairs so i could pick up two for the show, to surprise brian.

the day before that i cleaned my house and organized things and made it pretty and neat… just in case brian was going to spend the night after the show. (it needed it anyway, but it was specifically to please him)

and you want to know the sad thing? i would give anything to have him show up to sleep in my bed tonight.

[reflection: one night two weeks ago he showed up after a dinner and said that he wasn’t planning on spending the night. i smirked to cover the pain that he’d lie, that he couldn’t tell the truth. the truth is he packed a bag before he left his house… unless he planned on staying at someone else’s house?!]

another side note: jana spoke of him coming to north carolina, i thought that was this week… if so, i take a little bit of comfort in the fact that she didn’t know that he’d changed his mind. course if he did go, i don’t think i could handle it. what does your heart do when its already broken…? just break into smaller pieces until its dust? i guess that’s true. i guess that’s how you stopping love someone else.

i worry that when/if we get back together again that he won’t be able to love me in a way so as to convince me that he really is there and invested. that he really wants to be with me. that he chooses me. that he is committed to me, to us.

after all that we’ve gone through and will have been through, what can you do to start fresh? how do you symbolize a new beginning?

does he know that he’s going to have to come to me? does he know that he has all the power? does he know he holds my heart in his hand as it bleeds to death?

i thought he knew that i was waiting for him to claim me as his girl again before i left for italy. i think that was even in writing somewhere.

maybe he really didn’t want to… maybe he thought about it and didn’t realize he wanted me until after i was gone.

why would you be so careless about such a special thing?

all our relationship has been built upon how very god damn technical he is about everything. remember the arguments over whether we were dating or seeing each other? when did he first call me his girlfriend?

technically we’ve been broken up since april, friday the thirteenth.

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can’t… stop… blogging…

“ok fyi it might not be charlie, I’m not sure who gets the ticket… “

in being honest with myself i have to admit that i believe this means that he’s “prepping” me for one day finding out that a cute chick who was previously identified “got” the ticket.

i don’t believe him when he says that when he said “if i’d have known [that we weren’t dating] then i would have done things differently” means that he wouldn’t have made different choices when presented with options i’ll never be aware of.

i wonder if he knows/remembers that HE was the one with the control. that he was the one who broke up with me. that he never claimed me again. that he never bothered to mention that i was his girlfriend again. it didn’t stop me from acting in accord with that [insert proper girlfriend reaction and behavior with Marano here]… but it still hurt like hell.

ok. so in the interest that i can drop this, because it’s a current hurt and not one that i can just bury but instead need to vent on, i’ll vent here and hope that i never bring it up again.

july 5th-7th, “our guest jana”. it was a great way to end a holiday away, missing my boyfriend. i couldn’t understand why he hadn’t called. i was trying to be cool about it. he was flying home (took more than a day of flying) and then he was surely exhausted, and then it was july 4th. but i became a mad woman, missing him, and wondering why he didn’t miss me too?

then i go to show rachel his photos. the internet connection had died in sorrento… it’s funny, i wouldn’t have seen anything there… but days later it’s staring me in the face.

no wonder he didn’t have time to call.

my trip was boring compared to his weekend.

the worst are the few photos of just her at the barbeque. not group shots… photos of everyone. no, just a couple of just her. her looking at him.

brian mentioned last night how people are sweeter to you when they feel guilty.

i wonder when he bought the locket.

P.S. I wish I knew what he was thinking when he posted these pictures… did he mean to hurt me? Did he think that I wouldn’t care (how could he ever imagine that I could be secure enough to deal with them)? The only reason I try hard to believe she means nothing is because I can’t really believe that he was so mean. He couldn’t possibly have thought at all about how it would feel to see these photos. Therefore, he really couldn’t have meant anything by it… but that’s why his comment about having done different things if he’d known haunts me. that’s why she haunts me. they just look like they’re having so damn much fun. they look good together. and to think i was missing him. it makes me so very sad. he didn’t call until the weekend.

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fix me

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

High up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
If you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face

And I…
Tears stream down on your face
I promise you
I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face

And I…
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

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for the duration

its so hard not to email brian. i’m used to communicating, or maybe it’s just because now i can’t. i start emails and have to close them and turn here instead.

just was wondering…

“if you could ask me to do something, to be something, to focus on or change something while i’m waiting and giving you time and space, what would it be?”

i just realize that i’m inclined to wait because it preserves the moment, the love, the inclination to love and adore him and not instead to return to the pain of rejection, of “commitment” that came to such a crushing end.

i realized in writing that sentence that i don’t know what he wants from me other than to go the fuck away. i don’t know how to best be ready for us if that should be what happens. i am taking violin lessons and italian lessons during the week, and besides this week, i see my therapist weekly. nights are the parts that are hard. thankfully right now i’m just really tired, and i will be tomorrow night too because i’ve committed myself to plans so i won’t be sitting at home missing a show. (instead i’ll be out doing the same, but whatever.) so tomorrow night, wednesday, i’ll hopefully have a quiet night at home either reading, or watching some movie (i want to rent “Little Miss Sunshine”)… i guess in that moment i hit on the point of what bothers me about this whole thing in relationships where people need time and space. things change, people change, moments are had and passed, and people grow during that time and space. i’ve been wanting to see Little Miss Sunshine with Brian since Andrea told me how good it was. but i’ve been waiting patiently because i want it to be a good experience… but meanwhile i’m dying to lose myself in a good movie… if i give in and see it, it’ll be a moment passed for us. sure someone might say that that’s trival and i’m way too into experiences… but i am.

i’ve enjoyed all the experiences with brian. last night he mentioned the foriegn flick that i netflixed and then he watched after i immediately passed out. in some distant way that’s validation to me that movies are, just like concerts, and other things, special moments to be treasured with someone you love.

another example? i have the fremont outdoor theater on my calendar for Saturday night. i added it last week, and i don’t think i ever sent it to brian. i was just hoping that after all the visitors had finally cleared out of town that we would have settled into something that would have allowed for us to experience that for the first time, together.

but i realized that waiting isn’t healthy. but i still don’t want to go see the show without him. i don’t want to see Little Miss Sunshine and not share it with him. but what AM i supposed to do?

both school and brian have made me feel like befriending or rekindling a friendship would be unfair during this short time period. they would serve as temporary friends who would be dropped as soon as either the school quarter starts, or brian and i reconcile. and if we don’t reconcile…

i guess that’s the other thing that sucks about this. i really do just have to sit and wait. i hope brian remembers that i loved rome before i thought that he’d ever hate me. the two inclinations are not interwined. unfortunately i know that his needs, his career are more important (to him) than me (or being with me, if i need to be elsewhere)… so while in rome andrea helped me work through my independence and realizing what it is that i specifically wanted. what i want is to be happy. i want to be able to give back and to have a full life. bottom line is that i want my confidence and security back. that’s a complicated little thing… it’s intertwined in both my relationship with brian, my relationships with others, and my career.

my relationship with brian has left me nothing less than devastated. i never felt truly secure. he has a tendency (understatement) to speak in absolutes. if i like the beach it’d be a deal breaker because he can’t stand it. religion was always under the covers.

fuck. jesus christ. how the fuck did i forget that? last night when i told him how it is that i never felt/knew that he was committed to me for pretty much the duration of our relationship he seemed flabbergasted and as if i had insulted him. well i just recalled the misery of waiting, waiting, waiting to have “that conversation”…. you know the one where we’d talk about our future, evaluate the concerns i knew he had about religion (and lay some of those to rest, and hopefully leave him a little more at ease) but we never could… every time i would approach it, it was as if he didn’t want to break the moment… it left me feeling like the conclusion of that conversation was to be dreaded… that he was just preserving our time together until he told me that he could never marry me because _______. i never really wanted to push; me and my insecurity. i didn’t want to see like that girl who was pushing for marriage. i don’t want to be labelled as the girl who says “we need to have a talk” (though i’ve certainly earned it by now, haven’t i?).

why don’t i stop to realize these things before it’s done so much damage. i sit here and wonder how my self-esteem could be so devastated when seemingly our relationship should have helped build it along the way. well i miss so many obvious things. it’s not like i’d say (before it popped out of my mouth last night and sounded true) that brian wasn’t really committed to me. as a matter of fact, i would say that we are, but we just don’t talk about it… i’m sure i’ve told corrina that before. it was barbara (and now janice) who pointed out that we’ve been casual about each other the entire relationship, that we’ve always been one foot out, that we haven’t truly committed to each other, as barbara would say “have each others backs”, or as i saw to be fighting for each other (mutually).

in a conversation about two weeks ago with barbara i told her that we have always been out of sync, when one of us is more invested the other one is protecting them selves, more distanced. we’re never both 100% invested, secure, and loving at the same time.

i’m rambling. i do that. i do it when i’m tired especially. i’m sitting here wondering why goldfarb is still sitting in his office.

the sun keeps trying to make its way out. i’ve felt bad all day because i don’t want it to. i thought i was being selfish, that my motivation is that i didn’t want his night to be pleasant.

i’m happy because i just realized (as i look out and still hope that clouds cover again) that it’s not about that… i just don’t want to be missing out. i gallantly said that wilco is his thing, but music is my thing. and if i didn’t know him, i’d be there. but as long as it’s crappy weather outside i can tell myself that i don’t want to be. i know it’s not the truth, but it’ll get me through the night.

btw, i cry in the shower. i can’t believe the unbelievably bad timing of not having a shower. i need to cry.

i need to cry for all the things i’m so sorry for
i need to cry for all the things i wished i’d done
i need to cry for all the simple decisions i wished i’d made differently
i need to cry for all that’s been wasted between us
i need to cry for all that’s been lost along the way
i need to cry for all that we might miss out of
i need to cry for all that we might never know
i need to cry for that we might have been
i need to cry for the past
i need to cry for the present
i need to cry for the future
i need to cry for all the fears i hold inside
i need to cry for the fact that he might find me boring again one day
i need to cry for the fear that he might not tell me so
i need to cry for the terror that he’d stay with me “for the kids”
i need to cry for the horror that we got here
i need to cry for the shame that so much of it was preventable
i need to cry for the regret that i couldn’t save us
i need to cry for us
i need to cry for me
i need to cry for you

i need a shower.

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so exhausted

i’m so exhausted but i’m just plugging away at stuff to get things cleaned up and moving workwise.

meanwhile i am a very vaguely sad. when brian walks by my door (three times today, this is day one of “not seeing each other”) he looks in at me. i don’t know whether he’s trying to catch my eye (which incidentally i’m trying to avoid to avoid the pain) or if he just can’t help it. ah! he just walked by and shot me a look. i guess he’s packing up to leave for the show (tonight is wilco… my ticket turned out to not be mine since he paid for it).

i’m tired. i don’t really feel much. i guess i’m kind of numb.

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my to do list

i keep writing notes on crazy things like the top of my daniel’s broiler leftovers box, jersey mike’s paper napkins and backs of reciepts. i don’t want to forget these ideas, so i’m going to put them here. i’m not sure why i’m apologizing to myself for this – i guess it’s just because it seems to break the purist spirit of this blog.

  • make a list of things forgive …. forget; need to stop remembering the past, it’s the past and we (can) have a great future and the pieces of the past are what brought us here
  • post the “irony” image that janice showed me last week. it’s a good sentiment, backdate it to the right day
  • start a “timeless” photo album that chronicles all the good memories — i’ll never be a creative memories girl, but i can do that.
  • “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” i just learned that this quote is from seven habits of highly effective people. i own it (or used to) and never read it, maybe that would be a good enzyme for current growth spurt
  • document my thinking on rome, moving, hopes, goals, work, etc. need to understand each of the facets of what’s going on in my life right now because the lines aren’t cut and dry. i have to examine them together, not individually.
  • examine the fear of starting grad school. a three year commitment. a commitment i’d willingly make if we were commited, but i guess my fear is proof of my underlying feeling that the commitment wasn’t there. should we have talked marriage more? future? it never seemed to be an issue until i realized i’d assumed our future was secure and together right up until being dumped.
  • can i treat him like a prince after giving time and space, or will i have lost my “reckless abandon” rush and be more cautious, reserved, insecure, etc? could he deal with that, and we rebuild together, or will he be angry? i say angry, i guess, because i’d expect him to want to punish me and for me to make recompense. does times and space negate recompense? can we get out of the “you owe me” mode that we keep getting into? is it just me that’s felt that way?
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hiding my heart

he called tonight as i was chatting online with corrina. i don’t know whether or not he had thought about wilco, but i had just mentioned it to corrina. i’d been waiting all day, well all weekend really.

it’s interesting the absolute and incomplete way he speaks. he doesn’t want to see me anymore. he doesn’t say how long, he doesn’t acknowledge we work mere doorways apart. he doesn’t say much more than that.

try as i might, i can’t stop fighting. i consider it a failure that we stayed on the phone for so long. meanwhile it felt good because he broke his silence and shared real feelings. it was hard at the end of the conversation because it felt good, and i broke that by focusing on hurting about dave and wilco.

i’m not going to wilco. he’s going to dave.

will i regret that?

i told him about the fear i’ve lived with through our entire relationship. always wondering if he was committed to me. our anniversary. business trips where i felt so utterly alone while he shined and lived it up without me. how bad i feel for having stopped taking care of him while i was so focused on school. how i want to learn certain things, but how insecure i am about doing it. about how much there is to learn together.

i’m so exhausted. i put a countdown on my vista sidebar. “10 days brian” dave matthews, labor day, our anniversary.

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lying to himself

i think it’s just in his nature not to be honest. i don’t take it personally anymore, but i suppose it’s also something that keeps me from trusting his words. it’s not malicious, i think its second nature and well intentioned, but that doesn’t keep me from feeling like i can’t trust things he says or feels…

wilco: he said he hadn’t thought of wilco or what not when he called… but he immediately charlie needed a ticket.

commitment: he said about a week ago that he “had made that choice… i chose when you were in italy” and then i realized that would have been his motivation for buying me the necklace. isn’t that choice, the choice to choose me, the definition of commitment? (he thought i was crazy when i said i didn’t know that he had committed to me… that he’s never chosen me… but evidentally i was right… though that isn’t to diminish the commitment he’d made to our relationship, he’d only committed to me just a few weeks ago.)

i don’t feel like pointing these things out would help much, but i’d prefer to start chronicling things i think to help me learn how to maneuver through our relationship better. to better understand him and the complicated way he thinks and doesn’t.

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Fallen Angel

When all the world falls down at your feet
But it isn’t the whole world really, just yours
The heart is sadden, the spirit downtrodden
And you’re left to wonder why must you go on

Such a complicated web of relationships
Where not one can be trusted to be unbiased in all
The lover is the co-worker of whom you’re ashamed to see you in all your failure
To know that his business would be better off without you
To wonder if that’s why he’d send you to Rome

A friend who began as a mentor, an excuse for cocktails really
A competitor, another to whom you’re too ashamed to admit how far you’ve fallen
Who peers into your personal life, where you’ve let her in
And even there she pities you, all you’ve become and all that’s been done
For you’d she cry and it breaks your heart

A mother who hoped that her daughter would have so much more
Who told stories of terror and fear and complacency, of getting by
Who thought that none of this would be befall us
Who would be so terribly disappointed to learn the truth
Disappointed to know I’ve become everything she’s wished not

A pal who’s like a brother, who at the same time he envies you he laments your decline
To whom it seems ungrateful to complain, after all I take for granted what he seeks to obtain
Who jokes the jokes that strike the deepest
Of who you’ve been told you treat beneath you
Who’s devotion is taken for granted each time the sun shines on you

And a best friend who strikes at what matters most
The core of who you remember once being
The one who watched you fall an angel from grace
The one who could truly say you’ve risen from the ashes
The one who put the last nail in the coffin, confirmed all that you are and are not

There’s a candle burning in the world tonight
For another child who vanished out of sight
And a heart is broken, another prayer in vain
There’s a million tears that fill a sea of pain

Sometimes I stare out my window
My thoughts all drift into space
Sometimes I wonder if there’s a better place

Tell me, where do fallen angels go
I just don’t know
Where do fallen angels go
They keep falling, falling, falling…

Now the times is frightening
Can’t ignore the facts
There’s so many people
Just slippin’ through the cracks

So many ashes are scattered
So many rivers run dry
Sometimes your Heaven is Hell and you don’t know why

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Nibbles

painting gives you plenty of time to think…

and i was just thinking…

i wonder when you might ever call me just to say “good night” again

or when you might say “i love you” when we hang up the phone

i wonder if we’ll ever dance in the living room again

and maybe the fumes are getting to me, but now i wonder if ever i might get a chance to make a good memory against that concrete pillar

i wonder if i’ll ever get to see us together as i see us in my heart

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logic

you are my best friend, and you always want to be my best friend

as my best friend you love me and want the best for me, for me to be healthy and safe

your finest moments in loving me are in my worst moments of living where you demonstrate just that. you put yourself and your heart and your feelings aside to care for me, to take care of me, to help me heal, so that i may one day become a secure and confident woman as i remember being as a little girl.

this all feels fantastic. this feels like what love should be. i don’t know what love is, but if it isn’t that, what else is there?

then i am sad.

this is my messed up logic.

what point is there in becoming that amazing me that you and and i believe in, if it isn’t for you? why would you invest so much in me and treasure the outcome? why would you love me so much and not love me?

there are many things i don’t understand. this is the one that overshadows me every day, and has since the spring.

all my logic can do is to say that you don’t love me in that way. but i don’t know what it is that would be missing so that could possibly be true. we connect by just looking into each others eyes when we lay our heads down beside each other. we connect in the most intimate of movements and motion.

so when i lose my sense of self and i say over and over “i don’t understand”, maybe you can at least understand what i mean.

i’m just emailing. i don’t want responses. i just want to share. i want to send the thoughts from the deepest depths of exploring my heart and soul out there into the world to the only one i put faith in.

if we aren’t lovers at least being friends can really mean something.

if i can’t be loved, i just want to be understood.

i was content today when you guys came to see eilon’s house. you seemed happy and i was happy. at little sad, but happy. that made me happy. to see you at ease, relaxed.

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jana

i’m sitting here my heart being crushed under the weight of jealous. one twitter at a time.

it’s 100+ in N. Carolina.

No worries, he has a couch, wink wink.

we’re going to g. love tonight. i thought this song is so appropriate. i’m trying to make sure i never look back and wonder, never wonder if i could have done something more, wonder what would have been if.

this is brian’s song. he won’t know he’s singing until it’s too late.

your words don’t come easily no more
i wonder what your doing every second that i’m not with you

and now i see what i put you through
i should be gone
something keeps me hanging on
it’s instinct

but all this pain i feel doesn’t phase you
it’s funny what the drugs will do
and now i’m crying

now how could someone spend so much time so close
and almost so far away
how could two people stay together so long
just because they’re afraid to walk away

<

p align=”center”>i swear to god we’re breaking up this time

the time is so wrong but the feelings so right
won’t you let me kick it just one more time
won’t you let me love you and hug you and squeeze you tight
won’t you be my darlin tonight
kiss me one more time before you turn your back forever
now you’re walking away

look me in the eye and smile like you did the very first time i called your name
tell me everything’s gonna be alright
even though i can’t hold back these tears
for five long years i was afraid to give it up
now you’re gonna leave me and my best friend is gone
i swear to god we’re breaking up this time

why won’t you let me love you baby
startin from scratch

why won’t you let me love you baby
startin from scratch

you’re my friend, and my sister, my lover
i don’t wanna find another to replace you
start all over again, start all over again

i swear to god we’re breaking up this time

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unreal

i came here because i don’t know where else to go. some place that i can pour out my heart and be true. i feel bad because brian is hurting, but its so hard to comfort him. he told me that i’m selfish, and he’s right. i am broken, and the more that night is dragged out over and over again in my head the more i fall apart into tiny fractions of frisures of shards of soul. as i see myself from brian’s eyes i must wonder do i even have a soul? seeing the images in my head i hate myself for being so broken. for sitting there and taking it. for being fearful. he pulled my hair and yanked my head back. any cry trying to escape was trapped in my throat as it closed from the angle. i thought of veronica in that moment, and i felt sorry for her. other than that i remember legs. what a strange and literally disembodied memory. i don’t know why, but i distinctly remember three times. i guess i could be wrong, i guess it could be that it was one instance, and just three moments of clarity, but i really don’t think so. i wonder how it is that i could have lain there, freezing, in a bed soaked nearly edge-to-edge in urine.

yeah, so it’s all a little unreal to me. i can’t quite grasp everything. i can’t piece it together to understand how it is that i ended up here. it seems so long ago that i was happy, that life was good, we were solid and stable and meant-to-be. then the next day it was over. but i don’t have to recount that, the heartbreak is written out in my previous entries.

i just keep going over it again and again. i feel so stupid. i had been so happy. happy relatively speaking. i was so happy because brian had to have sent him to check on me, to ask me out. i was happy to be going out. i was happy because it meant brian was thinking of me. i texted him as i was driving there “where is my lemon drop martini”. i don’t remember if there was one waiting on me or not, but that’s what i drank. i don’t know how many, i don’t remember what else. i remember him protecting me from the other guys when they started pushing too much. or at least that’s how it seemed to me. i thought i was safe. i thought it was a good night. i think i beat him in pool. i remember that it was a good night. i remember being hopeful about us. i wasn’t boring, and he’d tell you that we had fun. there was hope. it seems to me that i was looking forward to going home. to climb into my bed. i announced i was leaving and headed out the door. he followed, and then his friend. they said i shouldn’t drive home. i resisted, i wanted to be home. as i told reed tonight, i had a secret dream that maybe you’d show up, or be waiting on me. but i relented. i knew you’d be happier that i didn’t drive.

i just thinking of how i thought i was safe. i asked for pajamas. i crawled into bed. i couldn’t tell you whether or not he was there. whether or not he was asleep. i felt safe. i was safe. and then there was the nightmare. i cried. in the morning i woke alone. i dressed. i went home.

i showered and i cried. i picked up the pieces, and i carried on. what choice do i have than to be okay?

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