Nibbles

hiding my heart

he called tonight as i was chatting online with corrina. i don’t know whether or not he had thought about wilco, but i had just mentioned it to corrina. i’d been waiting all day, well all weekend really.

it’s interesting the absolute and incomplete way he speaks. he doesn’t want to see me anymore. he doesn’t say how long, he doesn’t acknowledge we work mere doorways apart. he doesn’t say much more than that.

try as i might, i can’t stop fighting. i consider it a failure that we stayed on the phone for so long. meanwhile it felt good because he broke his silence and shared real feelings. it was hard at the end of the conversation because it felt good, and i broke that by focusing on hurting about dave and wilco.

i’m not going to wilco. he’s going to dave.

will i regret that?

i told him about the fear i’ve lived with through our entire relationship. always wondering if he was committed to me. our anniversary. business trips where i felt so utterly alone while he shined and lived it up without me. how bad i feel for having stopped taking care of him while i was so focused on school. how i want to learn certain things, but how insecure i am about doing it. about how much there is to learn together.

i’m so exhausted. i put a countdown on my vista sidebar. “10 days brian” dave matthews, labor day, our anniversary.

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