Nibbles

“Gordon”

9:35:37 PM Ang: I’ll let Cap/Josie and Gordon know. I just wanted to be with close friends given circumstances, so not attending any of the rest of the parties. Join me at my place if you guys feel like it. Your birthday present will hold until your mood improves.

 

9:35:43 PM Ang: Remember, you are loved.

 

9:39:06 PM Tara: what are the given circumstances?

 

9:39:17 PM Ang: its not important

 

9:39:20 PM Ang: focus on yourself

 

9:39:39 PM Ang: i guess at the very least, it’s thanksgiving. find what you’re thankful for

 

9:40:04 PM Ang: this between a canadian who’s already had hers, and a JW who doesn’t have family nor know the celebration

 

9:40:12 PM Ang: but all irony aside, the point remains

 

9:42:36 PM Tara: i appreciate that you are saving my feelings, but what are you talking about? something happened with your family?

 

9:42:54 PM Ang: no not really that big of a deal.

 

9:42:57 PM Ang: Gordon just has a new girl

 

9:43:08 PM Ang: i’ve been waiting around for you to get done being mad so we could talk

 

9:43:22 PM Ang: or at least celebrate you

 

9:43:26 PM Tara: im not mad at you

 

9:43:32 PM Tara: im just mad at life right now

 

9:43:33 PM Ang: well i wouldn’t be able to tell

 

9:43:39 PM Tara: but im getting over it

 

9:44:04 PM Tara: this must be a super new thing with Gordon

 

9:44:17 PM Ang: he met her last week on sunday

 

9:44:21 PM Ang: and i cried all weekend

 

9:44:39 PM Ang: i guess that’s as new as it gets really

 

9:44:45 PM Ang: it doesn’t matter

 

9:44:51 PM Tara: of course it does

 

9:45:03 PM Ang: no. it doesn’t. because he doesn’t want me to even call him.

 

9:45:08 PM Tara: regardless of your romantic involvment, you two are very close

 

9:45:19 PM Tara: oh, you must have had a falling out i dont know about

 

9:45:21 PM Ang: well i’ve spent the weekend in silence

 

9:45:30 PM Ang: brian so concerned he flew down last night to see me

 

9:45:44 PM Ang: i just wish everyone would TALK to each other

 

9:45:55 PM Ang: silence and going off into dark corners makes for very sad very disconnected people

 

9:46:01 PM Ang: this isn’t doing anyone any good

 

9:46:39 PM Ang: Gordon took his time off these past several weeks, so when i call on friday so happy to announce that “i’m ready”

 

9:46:45 PM Ang: i realize he’s done

 

9:46:59 PM Ang: i didn’t just tell trammel about you

 

9:47:08 PM Ang: it was obvious from the conversation, it’s natural course

 

9:47:15 PM Ang: because he was talking about removing people on twitter

 

9:47:17 PM Ang: and sean’s post

 

9:47:38 PM Ang: and ironically now that tantek has no friends he’s decided to bury the hatchet and say we can have brunch

 

9:47:49 PM Ang: everyone needs to stop being so fickle

 

9:47:50 PM Ang: and get with it

 

9:47:56 PM Ang: all we have is each other

 

9:48:09 PM Ang: or at least, that’s the case for some of us

 

9:48:27 PM Ang: and maybe that’s a selfish viewpoint, but it sure wouldn’t hurt the world to imagine that we’re all all we’ve got

 

9:48:47 PM Tara: for me at least, sometimes i just need space. so i can collect my thoughts.

 

9:48:56 PM Ang: well i don’t know you well enough.

 

9:49:06 PM Ang: so i’ve spent the weekend believing i have lost all of my best friends

 

9:49:13 PM Ang: and feeling stupid for calling them “best” friends

 

9:49:16 PM Ang: except for brian

 

9:49:23 PM Ang: brian i can because i loved him for three years

 

9:49:27 PM Ang: but gone nonetheless

 

9:49:35 PM Ang: so i guess i’m hurt

 

9:49:47 PM Ang: don’t just drop off the planet like that

 

9:49:50 PM Ang: tell me what you need better

 

9:50:02 PM Ang: i made Gordon mad because i didn’t know how to walk away

 

9:50:11 PM Ang: and i was terrified of contacting you

 

9:50:13 PM Ang: but i needed someone

 

9:50:25 PM Ang: fuck it – life really sucks sometimes

 

9:50:30 PM Ang: and i’m not the kind of person to get all emotional

 

9:50:35 PM Ang: nor to ask for help

 

9:50:42 PM Ang: but it killed me

 

9:50:45 PM Ang: it’s your birthday kid

 

9:50:53 PM Ang: and all i could feel is your pain

 

9:50:56 PM Ang: and your silence

 

9:51:00 PM Ang: and Gordon’s anger

 

9:51:05 PM Ang: and my heart break

 

9:52:46 PM Tara: well i think it probably just came down to bad timing in so many ways. I have been very upset about a lot of things lately and they just got to the boiling point and I needed a break from the world. i wasn’t unavailable, im just not on twitter. im sorry you felt like you couldn’t talk to me….but I did respond to all your texts and such. most people have been contacting me by IM and text and email and Facebook.

 

9:53:15 PM Ang: you specifically sent me a text saying you were going off the grid for the weekend

 

9:53:25 PM Ang: when i recieved your decline for girls night i assume the weekend was extended

 

9:53:29 PM Tara: ya, for the weekend

 

9:53:31 PM Tara: no no

 

9:53:40 PM Tara: eva invited me and sean to dinner for my bday

 

9:53:54 PM Ang: after being so very harshly rebuked by the person that means the most in the world to me (and apparently doesn’t know/believe that) i wasn’t going to take a chance on pissing you off

 

9:54:00 PM Tara: there isn’t a comments thing when you decline an invite.

 

9:54:13 PM Ang: see this is why people need to talk

 

9:54:40 PM Ang: i’m not upset that you declined but rather had nothing else to go by as a sign of whether or not the tara whiteflag had been raised

 

9:54:57 PM Tara: sorry. i should have sent you a note to tell you why i couldn’t make it

 

9:55:21 PM Ang: no. don’t be sorry. just know that i’ve been so concerned. and hopeful that i didn’t make your “not true friends” list

 

9:55:32 PM Tara: ha. no

 

9:55:33 PM Ang: you and Gordon are all that i’ve built here

 

9:55:39 PM Ang: and half of that is gone

 

9:56:01 PM Ang: actually you both decided you wanted time and space on friday

 

9:56:06 PM Tara: Gordon isn’t gone, he is just figuring stuff out. you guys will have to figure out how you are going to be going forward if you are both dating others

 

9:56:17 PM Ang: he said he doesn’t want to date multiple people

 

9:56:20 PM Ang: he’s dating “her”

 

9:56:33 PM Ang: i pretty much went psycho

 

9:56:37 PM Ang: as evidenced by my blog

 

9:56:46 PM Ang: and all the IM’s, emails and DM’s i sent him privately

 

9:57:00 PM Ang: and showing up at 3am to proclaim i believed in love and would fight for him

 

9:57:13 PM Ang: he told me in no uncertain terms that it was over

 

9:57:21 PM Ang: he didn’t have feelings for me anymore

 

9:58:00 PM Ang: he fell for her on sunday, fucked me on wednesday (and left), and i realized that there was someone else on friday while nursing him to health

 

9:58:37 PM Ang: ironic. because i had finally by thursday cleared all the dating/sex karma away

 

9:58:41 PM Ang: i’m not sleeping with anyone

 

9:58:45 PM Ang: and even brian seems to get that

 

9:59:15 PM Tara: perhaps thats a good thing

 

9:59:20 PM Ang: what is?

 

9:59:22 PM Tara: start fresh

 

9:59:28 PM Tara: have a good break from boys and sex

 

9:59:37 PM Tara: go to italy

 

9:59:39 PM Ang: i am in love with Gordon

 

9:59:39 PM Tara: have fun

 

9:59:42 PM Tara: oh

 

9:59:43 PM Ang: there is no starting fresh

 

9:59:47 PM Tara: oh i see

 

9:59:58 PM Ang: i have been

 

10:00:03 PM Ang: i thought you knew this

 

10:00:15 PM Ang: i couldn’t dishonor him by being with him while i was trying to figure out fidelity

 

10:00:24 PM Tara: well i thought you were figuring it out still

 

10:00:25 PM Ang: being == dating him publically

 

10:00:28 PM Ang: so did i

 

10:00:34 PM Ang: see what not talking gets you?

 

10:00:40 PM Ang: i respect his space and he shuts me off

 

10:01:06 PM Ang: i was so excited to see him wednesday at Mighty

 

10:01:18 PM Ang: but i tried to stay “cool” because he hadn’t given me the “go ahead” sign

 

10:01:31 PM Ang: i don’t know

 

10:01:34 PM Ang: it doesn’t matter

 

10:01:42 PM Ang: i’m sorry

 

10:01:46 PM Ang: i didn’t mean to dump this on you

 

10:02:00 PM Ang: i guess i’m just spilling because you’re the only one who comes close to knowing how i feel

 

10:02:12 PM Ang: and even you don’t because i masked it all behind a brave face

 

10:02:16 PM Ang: casual

 

10:02:17 PM Ang: whatever

 

10:02:25 PM Ang: fear masked

 

10:02:29 PM Ang: i wasn’t good enough

 

10:02:30 PM Ang: now i am

 

10:02:35 PM Ang: but he doesn’t want me anymore

 

10:02:51 PM Ang: i can’t believe i missed the whole point

 

10:02:55 PM Ang: he loved me just as i was

 

10:03:45 PM Tara: Well, I know that you care for him deeply. That being said, there were aspects to Gordon that you were struggling with. Did you decide that they could be overlooked?

 

10:04:41 PM Ang: it took me a bit to grow used to loving Gordon, because he stood in stark contrast to what i’ve known, to what i most recently loved.

 

10:04:50 PM Ang: i feared that contrast and feared that it wasn’t “true”

 

10:04:56 PM Ang: that i was in love with an idea

 

10:05:02 PM Ang: or with how he treated me, but not him

 

10:05:13 PM Ang: i used excuses to keep a distance from him

 

10:05:21 PM Ang: things to help me rationalize why we shouldn’t be

 

10:05:32 PM Tara: i see

 

10:05:36 PM Ang: all cycling around that he is an amazing and thoughtful and kind person

 

10:05:40 PM Ang: who didn’t deserve a mess

 

10:05:49 PM Ang: i carried with me the baggage of brian

 

10:05:59 PM Ang: him constantly feeling as though i had or would cheat on him

 

10:06:02 PM Ang: i never did

 

10:06:04 PM Ang: i never would

 

10:06:07 PM Ang: but i started to believe that

 

10:06:25 PM Ang: that’s why when i met Gordon, and i actually knew at that time that i would be a free woman soon

 

10:06:33 PM Ang: (and might have already been i need to check the date)

 

10:06:37 PM Ang: i didn’t pursue

 

10:06:42 PM Ang: i didn’t start anything

 

10:06:49 PM Ang: i did give him my number, but i told him that i had a boyfriend

 

10:07:07 PM Ang: then in between i forgot about that guy with the amazing smile, and sparkly blue eyes

 

10:07:28 PM Ang: when i got here, and he started to pursue i was filled with so much fear

 

10:07:40 PM Ang: in seattle i had started my “get it out of my system” quest

 

10:07:49 PM Ang: to prove that sex doesn’t matter if it isn’t tied to love

 

10:07:53 PM Ang: and i’ve learned so much

 

10:08:00 PM Ang: and i proved to myself, without a doubt

 

10:08:07 PM Ang: that i only want to be with one person

 

10:08:12 PM Ang: that’s what i’ve always believed

 

10:08:24 PM Ang: but now i know

 

10:08:31 PM Ang: because i always wanted Gordon

 

10:08:37 PM Ang: i wouldn’t know this if it weren’t for him

 

10:08:52 PM Ang: its ironic that how we’ve come to be is the only course that seems to have cleared up that thought

 

10:09:02 PM Ang: but it’s also the course that’s caused me to lose him

 

10:09:10 PM Ang: what i’ve told him is different than what you’ve heard

 

10:09:17 PM Ang: because i’m terrified of being the fool

 

10:09:25 PM Ang: of

 

10:09:29 PM Ang: “falling in love too fast”

 

10:09:34 PM Ang: but then you guys happened

 

10:09:42 PM Ang: but he’d already stepped away from me

 

10:09:42 PM Tara: you started feeling this way before he told you that he is seeing someone?

 

10:09:50 PM Ang: it’s been this way for quite a while

 

10:09:58 PM Ang: the only point is that i was still trying to clean up my mess

 

10:10:02 PM Ang: i’ve talked to every boy

 

10:10:08 PM Ang: spent time alone

 

10:10:13 PM Ang: thought about what i really want

 

10:10:24 PM Ang: i respected a “fresh start” because that’s what i really wanted too

 

10:10:30 PM Ang: i don’t know how he never viewed me as whore

 

10:10:41 PM Ang: but i don’t want the father of my children to think of their mother that way

 

10:10:45 PM Ang: you know?

 

10:10:48 PM Ang: i wanted to be good enough

 

10:10:57 PM Ang: i wanted to be “pure”

 

10:11:31 PM Ang: Gordon and i talked about portions of this, but i didn’t really figure it out clearly until after this night that the two of us layed on his floor and i had a crazy reaction

 

10:11:39 PM Ang: and seeing stephen helped

 

10:11:47 PM Ang: and i needed to have the end with brian

 

10:11:52 PM Ang: the end being brian really getting it

 

10:11:58 PM Ang: which i don’t think he did until last night

 

10:12:12 PM Ang: last night he hugged me because my heart was broken for someone else

 

10:12:19 PM Ang: i told him all of this stuff

 

10:12:27 PM Ang: about how much i carried with me from our relationship

 

10:12:30 PM Ang: and how it’s led me here

 

10:12:45 PM Tara: wow

 

10:12:51 PM Ang: i feel like i failed though

 

10:12:54 PM Tara: that is quite the spiritual journey

 

10:12:57 PM Ang: Gordon waited so long

 

10:13:04 PM Ang: i had no idea he wouldn’t make the last week

 

10:13:11 PM Ang: i thought we had an understanding

 

10:13:22 PM Ang: that after brian came then i would be ready

 

10:13:35 PM Ang: i felt like i owed brian a weekend to really understand

 

10:13:44 PM Ang: respect for the length of our relationship

 

10:14:00 PM Ang: i didn’t want to lose our friendship because he wouldn’t get it all the way from seattle

 

10:14:05 PM Ang: and never see him again because of his pride

 

10:14:09 PM Ang: he was such a dick

 

10:14:13 PM Ang: and i took a week to recover

 

10:14:19 PM Ang: but now even he’s good

 

10:14:23 PM Ang: but it’s all too late

 

10:14:34 PM Ang: what’s worse is that i have no plans

 

10:14:46 PM Ang: i literally made no plans for anything because i was going to be with Gordon

 

10:15:09 PM Ang: i’m here for thanksgiving because he wanted us to stay in town for Tramsgiving

 

10:15:25 PM Ang: and Tram is doing the off the grid thing i imagine – no Tramsgiving

 

10:15:34 PM Ang: we were supposed to be in NC

 

10:15:37 PM Ang: him meeting my sister

 

10:15:43 PM Ang: and my nieces

 

10:15:46 PM Ang: which kills me

 

10:15:49 PM Ang: because he wants kids

 

10:15:56 PM Ang: and i wanted him to see my family

 

10:16:07 PM Ang: the other night i even told him about our children

 

10:16:10 PM Ang: they are in rosetta stone

 

10:16:17 PM Ang: two blonde kids

 

10:16:20 PM Ang: a boy and a girl

 

10:16:23 PM Ang: i know i sound crazy

 

10:16:35 PM Ang: but that was me

 

10:16:39 PM Ang: and now i’m so lost

 

10:16:44 PM Ang: i don’t even know how to understand all this

 

10:16:56 PM Ang: i told you about asking him to move in, didn’t i?

 

10:17:01 PM Tara: no

 

10:17:03 PM Ang: i did

 

10:17:06 PM Ang: several weeks ago

 

10:17:13 PM Tara: oh wow

 

10:17:19 PM Tara: what did he say?

 

10:17:24 PM Ang: he was shocked

 

10:17:28 PM Ang: i didn’t go about it the best way

 

10:17:32 PM Ang: i was way too practical

 

10:17:33 PM Ang: again me

 

10:17:35 PM Ang: you know

 

10:17:45 PM Ang: easier to reason out why it’s a good idea

 

10:17:48 PM Ang: finanically and stuff

 

10:17:57 PM Ang: than to be able to grapple with the big hugeness of the step

 

10:18:01 PM Ang: i’ve never lived with anyone

 

10:18:07 PM Ang: i’ve dated several people for 3+ years

 

10:18:10 PM Ang: and never even considered it

 

10:18:18 PM Ang: but i love being next to him

 

10:18:46 PM Ang: we had some tough times in the past couple months while we essentially lived together

 

10:18:52 PM Ang: but nothing that we couldn’t/didn’t learn from

 

10:18:56 PM Ang: or at least i know the mistake

 

10:18:57 PM Ang: s

 

10:19:06 PM Ang: i need to have a car so i can get things done on the weekend

 

10:19:10 PM Ang: while he likes to do nothing on the weekend

 

10:19:29 PM Ang: and he loves to watch his “violence” while i don’t really like seeing it

 

10:19:49 PM Ang: and because i didn’t have the car usually i couldn’t get away as much

 

10:19:57 PM Ang: so we spent a bit more time together than we should have

 

10:20:14 PM Ang: but still, i now know i could be stuck on an island with him the rest of my life and not eat him out of annoyance

 

10:20:22 PM Ang: 🙂

 

10:20:25 PM Ang: that was a joke

 

10:20:33 PM Tara: haha

 

10:20:33 PM Ang: i’m feeling better

 

10:20:37 PM Ang: some what

 

10:20:43 PM Ang: the hardest part is that i asked him one question

 

10:20:48 PM Ang: i mean i asked him a million

 

10:20:53 PM Ang: but i asked only one that really mattered

 

10:21:09 PM Ang: i asked him if he knew that i was going to wrap him in my love on (this past) friday

 

10:21:11 PM Ang: he said no

 

10:21:31 PM Ang: i had the whole weekend planned, daydream style in my head

 

10:21:50 PM Ang: we don’t make big concrete plans, but the general idea is a common one that we’ve had for all these weekends together

 

10:21:56 PM Ang: movie and popcorn on the couch

 

10:22:02 PM Ang: him and homework, me and server migration

 

10:22:14 PM Ang: making love on the couch, the chair and finally making it up to the bed

 

10:22:16 PM Ang: again another routine

 

10:22:21 PM Ang: and how i’ve missed that!!!!!!

 

10:22:32 PM Ang: and sunday i’d go do my thing, and he’d veg

 

10:22:38 PM Ang: and then i’d come back and whatever

 

10:22:54 PM Ang: and thanksgiving – such a wonderful coming out party

 

10:22:58 PM Ang: finally to be the girl on his arm

 

10:23:12 PM Ang: to be able to look at him and not have to mask the adoration in my eyes

 

10:23:27 PM Ang: to be able to snuggle up when the other couples got close

 

10:23:42 PM Ang: my birthday – i wanted just one present – him. to celebrate us.

 

10:23:48 PM Tara: that would have been nice to see

 

10:23:57 PM Ang: december 6th would be 6 months from when this started

 

10:24:03 PM Tara: he just said flat out no?

 

10:24:07 PM Ang: yup

 

10:24:15 PM Ang: he wouldn’t even open up his heart to me

 

10:24:19 PM Ang: he held so stiff

 

10:24:26 PM Ang: his eyes were cold

 

10:24:33 PM Ang: he resisted me with everything he had

 

10:24:41 PM Ang: finally at almost 5am he relented

 

10:24:46 PM Ang: the softness returned

 

10:24:51 PM Ang: but i think it was more pity than anything

 

10:25:00 PM Ang: he’s turned his heart cold to me

 

10:25:39 PM Ang: i think that’s pretty much all there is to tell

 

10:25:47 PM Ang: except that i was also ready to ask about going to christmas with him

 

10:25:56 PM Ang: he had taken the invitiation back a long time ago

 

10:26:04 PM Ang: (i was horrified – to think he’d bring the whore home?!)

 

10:26:09 PM Ang: but i was going to ask

 

10:26:29 PM Ang: and if he wanted to be home with family and stuff alone, then i was going to go home to heather i think

 

10:26:50 PM Ang: (somewhere nuetral, “home” is hard since my mom and all)

 

10:27:04 PM Ang: but he was only going to be gone a short time anyway

 

10:27:11 PM Ang: and to think! to celebrate new years!

 

10:27:25 PM Ang: i also had wanted him to go home with me for tday

 

10:27:32 PM Ang: but he kept wanting to stay here for tramsgiving

 

10:27:38 PM Ang: and i didn’t want to take that away from him

 

10:27:42 PM Ang: i figured there was plenty of time

 

10:27:50 PM Ang: the worst has been i’ve avoided my sister

 

10:27:56 PM Ang: she and mackenzie keep asking about Gordon

 

10:28:12 PM Ang: (mackenzie is my neice who he would talk with on skype while i was in NC)

 

10:28:49 PM Ang: ok

 

10:28:51 PM Ang: well i think i’m done

 

10:28:54 PM Ang: that’s all there is to tell

 

10:29:00 PM Ang: my brain is now empty

 

10:29:02 PM Tara: wait

 

10:29:05 PM Tara: who is the girl?

 

10:29:08 PM Ang: i have no idea

 

10:29:13 PM Ang: but [redacted] thinks it’s [redacted]

 

10:29:21 PM Ang: because he said that it “knew” on sunday

 

10:29:24 PM Ang: he hung out with a girl

 

10:29:26 PM Tara: what?

 

10:29:29 PM Ang: and she was so easy to hang out with

 

10:29:29 PM Tara: [redacted]

 

10:29:30 PM Ang: yeah

 

10:29:31 PM Ang: i know

 

10:29:32 PM Tara: what?

 

10:29:35 PM Tara: she is with [redacted]

 

10:29:44 PM Ang: but sunday was the night that [redacted] walked with Gordon from [redacted’s] place to Gordons

 

10:29:54 PM Ang: and they hung out and watched tv and ate dinner

 

10:30:00 PM Ang: which is exactly what Gordon said

 

10:30:03 PM Ang: he just didn’t say who

 

10:30:09 PM Ang: and “she” is on the east coast

 

10:30:18 PM Ang: and only has three days off for christmas

 

10:30:24 PM Tara: that seems crazy

 

10:30:24 PM Ang: because i asked if he invited her to xmas

 

10:30:28 PM Ang: it is crazy

 

10:30:30 PM Tara: [redacted] said he has been chasing her for a year

 

10:30:39 PM Tara: and was so excited to be dating her

 

10:30:40 PM Ang: but knowing that his girl is unlikely doesn’t make me feel better

 

10:30:42 PM Tara: he was gushing about her

 

10:30:46 PM Ang: it’s not about how he feels about her

 

10:30:50 PM Ang: it’s about how he feels about me

 

10:30:52 PM Ang: that he gave up

 

10:30:56 PM Ang: and didn’t give a shit

 

10:31:01 PM Ang: yeah, [redacted] doesn’t know

 

10:31:02 PM Tara: of course he cares

 

10:31:03 PM Ang: if it is her

 

10:31:08 PM Ang: and [redacted] is a player

 

10:31:12 PM Ang: according to [redacted]

 

10:31:21 PM Ang: and would have no interest in Gordon

 

10:31:25 PM Ang: besides “liking” him

 

10:31:32 PM Ang: a personality like yours and mine

 

10:31:40 PM Ang: where people think you like them

 

10:31:44 PM Ang: but you’re just being you

 

10:31:53 PM Ang: i don’t hold out hope it’s her

 

10:31:59 PM Tara: but here’s the thing, Gordon and you went thru ups and downs. and he waited for you and adores you. he can’t just turn that off. no one can

 

10:32:00 PM Ang: because i don’t want to even get wrapped up in that

 

10:32:27 PM Tara: so maybe he sees somethign else to pay attention to b/c he just needed a break

 

10:32:41 PM Tara: and maybe it was hard on him when Brian was here.

 

10:32:47 PM Tara: i mean Brian did stay at your place

 

10:32:57 PM Tara: and i have no idea about any of this…just guessing. i never talked to him about it

 

10:33:23 PM Tara: sean even said that it must have been awkward for Gordon to be at your party and see Brian’s stuff all in your room

 

10:33:40 PM Tara: im not saying this to make you feel bad, just trying to understand where Gordon is at

 

10:33:52 PM Tara: he’s probably hurt. maybe doesn’t totally trust that you really want just him

 

10:34:02 PM Ang: i really didn’t realize how people would view that until several people asked (separately) where brian was staying

 

10:34:10 PM Ang: yeah, but i’ve fucked up big

 

10:34:25 PM Ang: he said that all of this has just made him want to run essentially

 

10:34:29 PM Ang: that i wasn’t helping

 

10:34:38 PM Ang: he was so cold

 

10:34:42 PM Ang: not cold like other people

 

10:34:45 PM Ang: but cold for him

 

10:35:05 PM Tara: i dont know him well enough to tell you what to do about this

 

10:35:11 PM Ang: please don’t take this the wrong way, but i even threatened to rape him

 

10:35:15 PM Tara: i dont know if you should give him space, or keep reminding him how you feel

 

10:35:26 PM Ang: and he said he would fight me

 

10:35:32 PM Ang: and i said i would never do that to someone

 

10:35:44 PM Ang: i left my keys on the stairs

 

10:35:52 PM Ang: because i knew i couldn’t be trusted to stay away

 

10:35:56 PM Ang: i have these note cards

 

10:36:02 PM Ang: sticky pad with designs on each page

 

10:36:06 PM Ang: think hallmark cutiesy

 

10:36:15 PM Ang: and i thought of putting them on his door

 

10:36:20 PM Ang: one next to another

 

10:36:23 PM Ang: but upside down

 

10:36:29 PM Ang: just to be funny/symbolic

 

10:36:37 PM Ang: then i thought he’d think i was crazy

 

10:36:45 PM Ang: i had been busy dreaming up “new” things for us

 

10:36:53 PM Ang: because i have “used” so many experiences with other people

 

10:37:01 PM Ang: i guess that’s sort of off subject

 

10:37:06 PM Ang: but just more of how i’d been planning

 

10:37:14 PM Ang: i couldn’t wait

 

10:37:25 PM Ang: and it didn’t really hit me until after the talk with aj

 

10:37:34 PM Ang: when i was free from every guy and all expectations

 

10:38:00 PM Ang: and while i thought i totally knew how i felt this weekend

 

10:38:16 PM Ang: it wasn’t until waking up next to brian and wanting him (Gordon) so bad

 

10:38:28 PM Ang: realizing that he’d completely erradicated all feeling for brian

 

10:38:47 PM Ang: it was so powerful

 

10:38:52 PM Ang: and brian knew all of this too

 

10:39:05 PM Ang: i even had it out with the guy that hurt Gordon the most

 

10:39:10 PM Tara: well at least you know you are over Brian

 

10:39:10 PM Ang: it’s on my blog what happened there

 

10:39:14 PM Tara: ok ill read it

 

10:39:14 PM Ang: i knew before

 

10:39:20 PM Ang: i just had to do it gracefully

 

10:39:24 PM Tara: i see

 

10:39:32 PM Tara: so what are you going to do?

 

10:39:35 PM Ang: wait

 

10:39:56 PM Ang: for the past few days it really sucked because Gordon came immediately on wednesday (when he entered)

 

10:40:01 PM Ang: and it left me with a huge whole

 

10:40:05 PM Ang: wanting, you know

 

10:40:11 PM Ang: and now that that’s subsided

 

10:40:14 PM Ang: i can wait

 

10:40:23 PM Ang: but that fucked with my head so much

 

10:40:28 PM Ang: hence the rape comment

 

10:40:29 PM Ang: i think

 

10:40:30 PM Ang: i don’t know

 

10:40:38 PM Ang: i feel bad about that

 

10:41:05 PM Ang: i guess i just felt that he’d let me in to his heart, that i could break through his wall if he’d lose those defenses

 

10:41:13 PM Ang: my sadness moment

 

10:41:19 PM Ang: to try to use sex to get the guy

 

10:41:34 PM Ang: i’m so embarrassed

 

10:41:39 PM Ang: please don’t tell anyone that

 

10:41:46 PM Ang: but i feel so bad so much i’ve kept from you

 

10:41:53 PM Ang: but i don’t know how to tell the truth

 

10:42:07 PM Ang: the truth, in as much as the underlying honesty of feelings

 

10:42:12 PM Ang: so much of it i’m sorting out as i go

 

10:42:21 PM Ang: i can figure out other people so easy

 

10:42:27 PM Ang: but i take longer with myself

 

10:42:33 PM Ang: i don’t mean to have mislead you along the way

 

10:42:38 PM Ang: about how i feel about him

 

10:42:51 PM Ang: i was honestly mad when you suggested (we were walking one day) that i leave him alone

 

10:43:04 PM Ang: he was when we were talking about the changes i was watching him make and how i liked all of them

 

10:43:22 PM Ang: i’m sorry, i must be tiring you

 

10:43:40 PM Ang: please, be honored that i’ve held all of this for you

 

10:43:48 PM Ang: you’ve really become a friend for me

 

10:44:01 PM Ang: i’m not sure i know how to really show that stuff

 

10:44:17 PM Ang: because my friends were all willing to drop me as soon as I was no longer a JW

 

10:44:26 PM Ang: and its taken alot to redefine what it means

 

10:45:36 PM Tara: well, i understand that. im trying to figure out the whole friend thing too. its been very hard for me but i think im figuring it out

 

10:46:07 PM Tara: like i said. i was never mad at you. it was just timing. even if the trammell thing didn’t happen, i still would have taken a break

 

10:46:20 PM Tara: but i should have said to you that despite my off the grid status, i am still available if you need me

 

10:46:28 PM Tara: friends needing me trumps being off the grid

 

10:46:37 PM Ang: i think that it’s all okay

 

10:46:44 PM Ang: i might have hidden all of what i felt

 

10:46:50 PM Ang: if you’d have been available

 

10:46:56 PM Ang: done the “fuck it” kind of thing

 

10:47:03 PM Ang: i’ve never cried so much before

 

10:47:11 PM Ang: i cried all day friday, and through saturday

 

10:47:22 PM Ang: i’m not done, but it’s just sporadic

 

10:47:31 PM Ang: like when i got home from shopping

 

10:47:39 PM Ang: shopping i realized i don’t have him to buy for

 

10:47:45 PM Ang: it’s just a shock

 

10:47:52 PM Ang: i thought we were us still

 

10:47:59 PM Ang: and we were just taking time so we could start fresh

 

10:48:02 PM Ang: and there was a moment

 

10:48:09 PM Ang: he asked me to get togetehr

 

10:48:35 PM Ang: i thought we were going to have a “serious” conversation

 

10:48:40 PM Ang: and i asked him to do it that night

 

10:48:46 PM Ang: (so i wouldn’t die waiting)

 

10:48:52 PM Ang: and he met me, we went to Little Star

 

10:48:57 PM Ang: I didn’t realize it was a date

 

10:49:11 PM Ang: he made a comment about my not having my period “boding well” for his getting laid

 

10:49:16 PM Ang: and i realized i was hurt

 

10:49:24 PM Ang: because thats a reference to sex

 

10:49:26 PM Ang: not making love

 

10:49:39 PM Ang: and then he mentioned or clarified about the date somewhere in conversation

 

10:49:48 PM Ang: and then i realized how horrible and awkard a date it was

 

10:49:56 PM Ang: because i was waiting for the shoe to drop

 

10:50:02 PM Ang: and he was evaluating what it’s like to date me

 

10:50:05 PM Ang: i failed that date

 

10:50:13 PM Ang: we went back to my house and i was morose

 

10:50:18 PM Ang: it really did feel dead

 

10:50:19 PM Ang: different

 

10:50:23 PM Ang: his lips were lifeless

 

10:50:26 PM Ang: and parched

 

10:50:37 PM Ang: we stared at each other heads side-by-side on the couch

 

10:50:41 PM Ang: i was dying inside

 

10:50:45 PM Ang: but told myself that it was good

 

10:50:51 PM Ang: that we really could start fresh then

 

10:50:55 PM Ang: and i waited

 

10:51:07 PM Ang: i waited for him to call, for us to have a real date

 

10:51:38 PM Ang: and more than anything i figured he was waiting because the timeline was supposed to go AFTER the housewarming weekend when i made sure brian had “closure”

 

10:51:53 PM Tara: i see

 

10:52:04 PM Ang: i don’t remember what the point wa

 

10:52:06 PM Ang: was

 

10:52:34 PM Tara: you were just saying that you had a lot of emotions over the weekend and really thought about things and you may not have been prepared to share with me then like you are now

 

10:52:41 PM Ang: oh

 

10:52:47 PM Ang: well to leave on a good note

 

10:52:55 PM Ang: so maybe you will be happy somewhat

 

10:53:21 PM Ang: the moment i knew that he was “the one” — that there was truly and absolutely no reservation at all that i wanted to be with that man and no one else

 

10:53:34 PM Ang: it was when you and sean were saying goodbye to Brian

 

10:53:39 PM Ang: and he and i were in the kitchen

 

10:53:51 PM Ang: he gave me his patented Gordon hug

 

10:53:58 PM Ang: that i imagine has a special thing in it for just me

 

10:54:07 PM Ang: but the one where he picks you up off your feet

 

10:54:14 PM Ang: (i like watching him hug ali like that)

 

10:54:22 PM Ang: and he kissed me quickly a couple of times

 

10:54:27 PM Ang: i wish i had been more responsive

 

10:54:40 PM Ang: but i didn’t want our “first” moment together to be there

 

10:54:46 PM Ang: in the midst of brian being an ass

 

10:54:53 PM Ang: and just so brief before he had to go

 

10:55:02 PM Ang: that night i thought about going over to Gordons house

 

10:55:04 PM Ang: surprising him

 

10:55:10 PM Ang: sleeping next to him

 

10:55:17 PM Ang: i’d missed him so bad for so long at that point

 

10:55:26 PM Ang: it doesn’t feel natural without him by my side

 

10:55:40 PM Ang: but i make everything happen with us

 

10:55:45 PM Ang: i’ve controlled everything

 

10:55:51 PM Ang: and i didn’t want to take that away from him

 

10:55:53 PM Ang: his choice

 

10:55:57 PM Ang: to tell me when he was ready

 

10:56:01 PM Ang: and the “fresh start” was done

 

10:56:11 PM Ang: if i had

 

10:56:16 PM Ang: we wouldn’t be having this conversation

 

10:56:33 PM Tara: man, i really hope he gives you guys a chance

 

10:57:13 PM Ang: me too

 

10:57:27 PM Ang: i nearly threw up the night i bought the ticket to europe

 

10:57:40 PM Ang: i hope that that doesn’t ruin all chance

 

10:57:44 PM Ang: the final straw

 

10:57:54 PM Ang: but i have to go away

 

10:58:02 PM Ang: i can’t respect his wishes sitting here

 

10:58:05 PM Ang: i need to clear my head

 

10:58:11 PM Ang: because if this is really over

 

10:58:16 PM Ang: i really feel like i have nothing

 

10:58:23 PM Ang: and you know,

 

10:58:26 PM Ang: i don’t regret that

 

10:58:38 PM Ang: i put my all into being ready for this relationship

 

10:58:51 PM Ang: i haven’t built a life, because it was going to be us building our life togehter

 

10:59:04 PM Ang: but if it isn’t to be i’ve got a lot of figuring out what i’m going to do

 

10:59:31 PM Ang: btw, i want you to know

 

10:59:35 PM Ang: i’ve never been like this before

 

10:59:45 PM Ang: i think it comes from that every relationship has ended naturally

 

10:59:53 PM Ang: of natural evolution of life and romance and love

 

11:00:11 PM Ang: its easy to come to terms with those things

 

11:00:20 PM Ang: this is just different

 

11:00:26 PM Ang: but i guess it’s good to have experienced it

 

11:00:32 PM Ang: nonetheless, let me shut up

 

11:00:35 PM Ang: thanks for listening

 

11:00:52 PM Ang: and thanks for holding the truth about my love

 

11:01:09 PM Ang: i wish i could tell the world

 

11:01:14 PM Ang: but they just wouldn’t understand 🙂

 

11:01:56 PM Tara: well i think they would understand that you love someone. And that you needed time to let go of a past love before committing to a new one

 

11:02:06 PM Tara: that you needed a break in between

 

11:02:16 PM Tara: but that break included Gordon and i think thats when it got fuzzy

 

11:02:44 PM Ang: yeah, its strange

 

11:02:52 PM Ang: i don’t know whether to be happy that i did have at least that with him

 

11:03:01 PM Ang: or wish that it had never happened so it could be different

 

11:03:10 PM Ang: i’ve always believed in things as they are

 

11:03:21 PM Ang: but i just might have found the second regret in my life

 

11:03:38 PM Ang: well, good night my love

 

11:03:40 PM Ang: sweet dreams

 

11:03:47 PM Ang: i am excited to give you your present

 

11:03:52 PM Ang: but only when you feel better

 

11:03:58 PM Ang: you have made me happy

 

11:04:03 PM Ang: that i could share my love/emotion with you

 

11:04:10 PM Ang: please carry that happiness to bed with you

 

11:04:16 PM Ang: i know that everything will work out

 

11:04:24 PM Ang: i just don’t have much faith in understanding that right now

 

11:04:34 PM Ang: but i guess that’s the part that friends are for 🙂

 

11:04:43 PM Ang: sweet sweet dreams

 

11:04:47 PM Ang: and love that boy of yors

 

11:04:48 PM Ang: yours

 

11:05:02 PM Tara: ok. i hope you can get some sleep. im glad you felt you could share with me.

 

11:05:18 PM Tara: we can chat more tomorrow about turkey day plans and try to coordinate something

 

11:05:33 PM Ang: good night

 

11:05:35 PM Tara: nite!

 

11:05:36 PM Ang: xoxo

 

11:05:37 PM Tara: xox

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