Here’s the deal. Right now, I’m not the same adorable loving resilient girl I used to be, as much as you’d wish it so.
My life is nothing like what it used to be.
There are no simple answers that you can offer and just make it better—as much as you and I would like that to be. And trust me, I would love that to be the case.
When I met you, I offended you immediately because I saw in you my father.
Perhaps it’s at that point that I should have stepped away, realizing that we have different needs for this relationship.
One day I do hope to be married and in loving arms. However, after spending the past year being chased by several men all older than 45 years old, I knew that I wanted someone more reasonably near my age. I’m sorry to put it this way, but I would prefer to try to be honest and truthful and clear, than to unfortunately confuse the situation more… I look at my body and feel as though I am beautiful and it seems as though I’m a my peak. I want to share that, and enjoy the same, in the person that I would be with. I don’t want to trade my youthful years, how ever few I may be given for a relationship with someone who is in decline. I’ve also learned in my experience with older men that they are far more volatile, presumably for that same reason. Whether or not it’s stated, people get it. I also learned that I don’t like being the topic of conversation for everyone at dinner, in that is she a trophy wife in training, or is it a dad and daughter, or uncle? for the entire restaurant.
All that said, everything you felt from me is true. I am attracted to you—your personality, and your appearance. But when you asked about five years from now how it is that you’d be (forgive me, you didn’t say lover, but same concept as whatever word you used) in my life then I realized we were still off base. In five years I don’t know that you’ll be alive, nor I. Regardless, romantically, in five years I’ll be 37 years. I hope to be in love and happily married to someone who will likely be 45ish. Nothing can change the fact that as I age, you age.
I’m so so so very sorry that it appears that I never should have spent time with you. I thought we could have a relationship and just be. I like your presence in my life.
Things I should address otherwise… when you call me “ger, ger” it bothered me. I have a beautiful meaningful name. Ava Angela Marie is something of an honor from the Catholic perspective. “Ava” means given name for a girl. In latin, it’s “Ave”. Angela is “heavenly angel” and “Marie” in latin is “Maria” (as in Spanish class: “Mi nombre es Angela Maria”). Therefore my name means the Angel Maria, hence, Ave (Angel) Maria. “Ger ger” sounded like someone trying to sound out something, even to the extent that it reminded me of a disabled child stuttering. I couldn’t even identify where in that sound (name?) there was something of me. Regardless, in the end I decided that it took what was me, and demeaned it. Now, I completely understand that it was with loving intent, and thus there was the difficulty in how to convey to you that I didn’t feel your intent in your nickname for me. Meanwhile, look at what a beautiful and honorable name I was given from my grandmother Madonna!
Right now I’m less able to deal with conflict. I have been, unquestionably, under extreme stress this past year. I have very little support, none locally, and therefore have not been able to do anything but stand firm as I can to weather this storm. Unfortunately, there has been damage to my personality, my strength, my endurance, my resilience. I’m resist feeling fearful, and feel vulnerable, worn and tired. There isn’t anyone in my life that makes it easier. While I’ve been unemployed for greater than a year, it’s my family that comes to ME for money. I have no one to rely on for resources, whether that be a warm hug, someone to listen, someone who actually assists in getting things done, etc.
Right now the way I look at my life, given the dire circumstances I’ve come to be in is this:
- Priority 1 is to fix the car repossession, and apparent fraudulent loan. Otherwise I have a $38k loan on NOTHING.
- Priority 2 is to get help fixing the Telcentris wages and expenses owed. I contacted a lawyer. That’s worth $30k+.
- Priority 3 to complete the claim with the state department regarding sexual harassment at Telcentris. The interview is Dec 7th.
- Priority 4 to get my emotional health back in order so that I can eventually go back to work.
My unemployment benefits cover the cost of my apartment. I wish I didn’t have rent, because then that money could be put towards my living expenses (and paying the debt carried because of Telcentris until I get the money from them) but that’s not the case. Therefore, as of this morning, I have decided to look at my rent as being “covered” (by the unemployment) for the next year (which is when it expires, I believe…?) and thus I’m seeking to make money enough to cover living (and paying debt).
I am not trying to be a rock star right now. I’m not seeking another $140k job like I had before. I’m not capable of being in an office or working with people. I have been living in solitude because I can’t even manage the daily relationships I have in the social circles of simply Harry’s and the coffee shop. As evidence, I was specifically warned by the coffee shop owner (about my strange behavior) and I heard something similar, second hand, regarding Harry’s.
Right now, for better or worse, I have chosen to return to my patterns of being a Jehovah’s Witness. Like Harriet said, it’s comforting. It’s also the only thing I’ve got to do each week.
Yes, this is my simple, sad life.
My intent is to complete the “program” with the Witnesses so that I can be “reinstated” (which means I can be social, not just attend meetings) which may take up to six months or so. After that, that means my mother and family will no longer be “breaking the rules” as it were to talk to me, and associate with me. Then I can look around at my life and see what I can do. Moving? Working?
I don’t know.
Five years from now I can’t even imagine. Right now, I worry about where the money comes from to buy my once a day Harry’s (which usually equates to being both my breakfast and lunch, or lunch and dinner). Right now I’m worrying about how I can once again be a independent healthy stable individual in some number of months from now.
Right now I’m trying not to allow anything else to “happen” to me. However, each day I am reminded again of how much easier things are when you have money, and how much harder they are when you don’t. How much easier it is when you have someone supporting you, and how lonely and hard it is when you don’t.
I have no ability to deal with extra drama, demands, and being critiqued. I just don’t have anything left to “take” it. Before you got here, everyone took all I had. My security, my love, my happiness, my smile, my…
Yes, I am responsible. Silly me, I grew up in a world that simply doesn’t exist. Where when you give freely to others, they give back.
This is my life right now. I appreciated having you in it. But I’m not certain that it’s healthy for you, given what you’ve said, and I don’t want to be in an imbalanced relationship.
I don’t have any friends, and I’m not in the position to make any any time soon.
I need to be healthy and happy. That isn’t to the exclusion of you—to be clear—but my statement of need.
There you go. That’s all I have to be able to contribute to the context of what happened the other day, and in response to your text messages.
— @ang @baxley @spunkygidget
Begin forwarded message:On Nov 17, 2011, at 12:52 PM, Tangled Fainter wrote:
Thanks for taking the time to write. Your note only reaffirms what I have known since the moment we met ;that you are a wickedly smart. The letter also confirms what I said to you many times. You are a fabulous writer. I hope you take these skills and utilize them in every way possible to climb out of the quicksand that had descended like a monsoon on your life. You can do it.
Do I like to hear that I am to old for you? That I represent a father figure. You damn well know that I hate both of those thoughts. Had you been clearer with them at the outset of our friendship I would have exited your life much faster. I don’t view my life in as dire as a way as you espouse—- that I could be dead in 5 years—— even though of course you are right. I live my life like I’m going to live a long time. I exercise, watch my alcohol intake, try to eat reasonably well and try to stay on top of the challenges that all of us facing trying to live in a world with such a high level of acrimony.
Do I desire to exclude you from my life. No I don’t but I have choices to make and my own “to do” list that I update every day. I told you the first night we had dinner at Alphonso’s that I did not appreciate that you didn’t say “thank you”. You still don’t say thank you to me which makes me ask myself why would I want to be spending my hard earned money on someone who doesn’t even articulate appreciation. And every meal I buy , you eat half of and take the rest of it home. I’m all for not wasting food but your apparent expectation of such saddened me to no end. And yes Angela, I have been going to Harry’s for 20 years and now people who talked to me eagerly every time I came in look at me like I offend them. Is there any question in my mind this started when I began showing up with you? And yet when we are together at times I feel like I’m in such a special space. A privileged and honored place with someone who is truly special.
Just call me confused and disappointed at this moment. Believe me , even though I am wildly attracted to you, the best thing we ever did was to not get involved. I’m sure you will easily find someone closer to your age to spend your life with. I hope that person shows up for you very soon. Again thanks for taking time to write. I am limited in my time to respond as I am at work. Take care of yourself.
—TangledFrom: “Angela M. Baxley” Subject: Re: context, explanation? Date: November 17, 2011 at 1:27:49 PM PST To: Tangled Fainter
I’d rather pay you back than live with your thoughts on that matter on my conscience. How much money would cover the balance of your generosity?
Also, I took half the food home, as I typically do, because I have a small stomach. Also, after this summer I’ve found a fondness for sweets that I never had before, and I usually like something sweet (which means saving room). At Harry’s I take half my food home, and half the time I order a cinnamon roll to go, which I eat as a dessert late that night. Generally I split it in half, and eat half the next day.
It’s only American’s who eat portions so large.
I feel embarrassed that I would even explain myself, but it’s my reputation and character, which I believe is worth defending.
I agree that there is no excuse for not saying the words “thank you”, however it is a leap to assume that I’m not thankful simply for lacking the courtesy of the words. Likewise, it would be a fallacy to believe someone who is always thanking you means it truly and sincerely. I learned that lesson this summer.
Once again, I’m just going to say I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry.
I didn’t mean that you specifically might be dead. I live a life with the reality that my father died at age 24. Death has no regard for age. My point was merely that I have no idea, one or both of us may be dead.
I’m sorry that you feel I’ve not been appreciative. I was withdrawn this past interaction. I thought I had been quite appreciative when I was with you in Pasadena. I’m so very sorry that you felt used for your money. You know what’s sad? Every relationship I’ve ever had I’ve always paid my own way. I’m not used to being paid for, thus I suppose I’m not used to “thank you”. Even in friendships, it’s been I who’s paid for others, not the other way around. Thus, I’m sorry. I’m really really so very sorry.
I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean about Harry’s other than perhaps that’s where you thought people were looking at us? I only meant that in a forward thinking sense.
I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt your feelings. At least now I can cry. Somehow I can’t seem to cry for myself, but I am crying because I hurt you.
I’m so very sorry.
I’ve never been accused of using someone for money before. I wondered why you made such a big deal out of telling me that you weren’t rich. Now that makes sense. You thought I was a gold digger.
I’ve got to get out of California.
— @ang @baxley @spunkygidget