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Art, Donation, Music


Are You There God? It's Me, Gidget, Religion

The Pear Tree Notebook (1995-2000)

Could it be true? Do you really mean it when you say ‘I love you’? It all seems so natural… it was meant to be. Together we are, yet so far apart, is it too far to touch your heart? I never wanted to leave your arms, so close to your heart I had finally found where I belong. You held me so close I could feel your need, I could touch your fears—I could feel your pain. But, together, these fade away—I forget a time when heaven wasn’t a placve I could live, and the stars I could not reach. Could it be true by some cruel twist of life, we could never have met… Two lives meant to be together forever separated by mere chance?

You kept me warm—did you feel my fingertip kisses on your soft skin? Curled up nxt to you I could stay forever, warm and safe in your arms. My heart was melting away—did you hear my silent whisper to be yours? Where are the words to describe how it felt to lean close to you—to breath your air of contentment? How do you describe how it feels to be so close to you no longer feel contained by anything? Everything felt so right, it was meant to be, god showered us with his blessings. Not ashamed for him to look down on our embrace, not afraid of his diapproval on our kiss. He sees everything so clear, and now he’s given that gift to me. No longer commanded by body, but thought. In control of myself so I can let go.

Do you think this will wear off? Do you think we’ll forget how it felt to be together? One minute I’m so sure you really do love me, the next my confidence shakes. But I close my eyes and I see us together. I don’t want to surrender myheart to pain. Are you sure, my love, we belong togehtrer, forever and always? I want someon to hold me close and understand, to love me endlessly.


Empty : 12/5/1995 [was this Mikey to me?]

As I sit here in my empty room, I feel the tug of longing in my chest. As I lie here in my empty bed, I think of all the wrods left unspoken, and the chances I may yet have to speak them.

As I live here in my empty life, I realize it’s empty because you’re not in it.

I need your smile to keep me happy. I need your laught to keep me whole, I need your embrace to keep me warm. I need your love to keep me sane.When you are not near me I feel a void begin to form inside me. It starts as a peculiar emptiness near my heart; then it quickly swells and grows, threating to engulf me. I fight it back with thoughts of you; but it keeps returning, keeps stalking me like a lunatic bent on my destruction.

Mikey, I want to do this right. I want to take things by the book, to make sure nothing goes wrong.I’ve never felt so confident about anything, so sure that it was meant to be. I feel like you have been sent to me from Jehovah, and you seem to think the same of me. I want to marry you, althought I’m not surethat would be good to that in the next year. It’s amazing to think that Jehovah has made a provision for us to be together and feel so complete, ofrever. Even though I feel like it’s so right it wouldn’t be smart to trust that feeling from just one day. It would be like living a dream if I was engaged to you in a year. But if we think about that now we may be disillusioning ourselves. It’s a life time decision, and if you’re right for me then I’m not scared to make it.

I guess you’re probably wondering why I’m talking about this right now. I don’t really know—maybe its just waht’s on my mind. Could I wake each morning next to yo? Mikey, I’m content like I am. I have you, you ahve me and as long as you know how I feel about you then I’m okay. I love you Mikey, but we have to be careful. The Watchtower suggest setting limits, that sounds like a good idea to me. We need to find out what we each are really like. Are you ready to love out and support yourself—and someone else? I’m gonna talk to my parents about this weekend. We need to spend some time togehtrr talking, and hanging out. I’d like to sit with you through the assembly, too.

What are you goals? What do you want to do? Where do you want to live? Do you want to have kids? Are you thikning about marriage? When? I can see myself engaged at 17, and married thereafter.