Much like Carrie of Sex-and-the-City fame had her Mr. Big, we’ll leave the cousin-in-law known as the “Cabbage Patch Cousin-in-Law” and otherwise nameless. You know, to protect me from lawsuit, and not so much as protecting the not-so-innocent.
She’s been in the picture for nearly half my life. When we were all young, back when everyone used to get together on the holidays at Grandma’s house, she first entered the picture. My cousin’s previous girlfriend was really sweet, but had been given to awkward loud belches which seemed hardly possible from her petite frame, but alas, that’s how she’ll be remembered. The next girlfriend was Cabbage Patch. She too had been aware of the previous girlfriend and made fun of her belching. That’s all I remember of that.
It seems a year later they were getting married. She really wanted me to come out for the wedding, but my cousin had met her in college and they were way out in the middle of America land. She told me all about her best friend she wanted me to meet—he was going to sing at her wedding. She got married. He got married. I got married. Years pass.
I’m divorced and the scene is back at Grandma’s house. I had gotten it into my mind to take my Orange County born-and-bred southern California Jewish boyfriend to Indiana in February—his first time meeting the family. What isn’t hilarious about that idea?
The Cabbage Patch cousin-in-law and my cousin drove from middle of America to meet us in Indiana for the mini cousin reunion. Growing up in different parts of the country, we really hadn’t gotten to spend too much time together besides holidays. Now here we all were drinking—grown ups!
Cabbage Patch took to my SoCal boyfriend like white on rice. I think she dug that he was totally squeezable in that she’s got a few more pounds than extra herself kind of way. Another night later though and she comes diving in at me—he doesn’t believe in Jesus?!
I’m not sure what part of obvious she had missed.
The next night as he and I were literally standing by the door leaving to head back to California, she brings it up—she wants me to meet her best friend—who is just split up from his wife. (You remember, that one from years before that sang at her wedding.)
I was aghast. Honestly, I don’t remember what I said, if anything at all. I just remember Brian and I looking at each other. We were outta there.
Cut to years later. After four years of dating, I moved to San Francisco leaving my SoCal Jews-don’t-believe-in-Jesus boyfriend behind. (We’re still friends to this day.) Cabbage Patch cousin-in-law is visiting her best friend—you remember the one: the one I’ve been hearing about for the past FOURTEEN YEARS—in San Diego for Memorial Day, and I should come visit her! Um, yeah. Not happening…
We can meet half-way! She pestered me via email (oh, how I missed the days of snail mail) telling me all about her best friend who gets a little frisky when he drinks and how much fun we’d all have. Um, no. Besides, she has no idea that there is no half-way between San Francisco and San Diego.
Then I realize that I’m going to be in LA that weekend anyway. I give in, and agree to drive down to meet up with her and stay.
To be honest, it was more about the fact that I had met an adorable guy that weekend at a vineyard in Napa who also happened to be from San Diego, and we’d been texting back-and-forth.
I drive down from LA, and meet cute-vineyard boy (a blonde haired blue eyed Jewish boy) for sushi and hang with him and his friends that night. We danced and had a blast. The next morning “breakfast” is burgers and eventually I finally head over to see her and her best friend she’s been nagging me about for the last half of my life.
… to be continued.
tomorrow i meet with the convened committee to determine whether or not i am fit to enter the congregation again. my third time. first baptized, second reinstated, now a third. i said that i would never return if ever i would be cast out again, and its interesting because now i know that my commitment is so very different from the way i viewed it before. it’s not about being in or out, but rather the ultimate answer to life the universe and everything. no, not 42, unless you jest and yes, i think that’s okay as long as we’re talking the same language. meanwhile i see that the world is just one big universe of those who mostly have no clue, and a few people who are in the know. i finished battlestar galatica and wonder how different my life would have been to have watched it so many years ago with my friends. at the very same time i was losing myself to apathy. i am kara thrace. the stories i could tell could fill another series. alas, i’m happy to live for tonight and move into tomorrow and see what shall be. for none of these worldly, fleshly things matter. i’m a girl who isn’t scared to die, and hopes to do so for the honor of her god. let your kingdom come…
11/8/09 i wonder if i ever knew you.
i feel such the fool.
i loved you and believed you were the one. my only one. i never believed
11/28/08 i was in love just a few hours ago. and keeping a secret. i’ve never really had a pregnancy scare before. now i’m late. going on three days. a website lets you track your period, and therefore i know that i am VERY consistent.
stickel just left. i am a wreck. i think the clonazepam is taking affect. i feel calmer. i am trying hard not to reach out. to dan. to her. to her sister. i’m trying hard, but i feel so out of control. i went to take a pregnancy test, one that i had from when Nikki was pregnant, but it wasn’t there. instead there was a plan b box in the container. it totally struck me. too far past to be able to do anything about it (and where did the plan b come from?!).
i was a coward. i didn’t tell him straigh
i just spent hours on the phone with micheal. i am grateful for him making me feel again. i thanked him.
The concept of a chill struck my mind. My back to the world, its the reflection of the cars passing a front my favorite sidewalk coffee shop that busies my laptop as I try to focus beyond at the words on my screen. I turn to iTunes for music to bring the focus with a failed attempt at the finding the Ozark Mountain Daredevil’s—wrong iTunes library— opting instead for Bob Dylan.
It’s programming you see. He and I tangled encoded cords between each other. I allowed his access for nearly a year and a half—surely I’m still on his mind?
Early on he sent his manuscript, supplied with Russian vodka and vermouth to accompany my reading. Next came chapters written for me, each addressed with a letter and a mix tape style custom-made CD, each with their own custom designed cover and inside sleeve, music for me to listen to as I read, drove, or lingered over my laptop on a gray and dreary day at the coffee shop.
It’s by those memories that suddenly I feel more than just the concept of a chill. The acuity of the moment felt like an expired breath seeking the intimate exposures of my skin, my neck flexed momentarily as I wished to glance over my shoulder, but resisted.
Yes, it’s programming. The scripts are simple, and something that I believe women had a command of, before, well, before some point in history. Now men reach out for the power of persuasion with Bible bound Neil Strauss inspired manuals, and for those who know both the powers of romance and persuasion possibilities seem limitless.
Where could I find someone with whom I might banter over the idea of the sociological influences in transitions from matriarchal to patriarchal societies? I hear there’s a woman who has written about some sort of archetype of a man, considering from the Nephilim to Luke Skywalker, and I wonder what conclusions she’s come to…? I decide, if I could be anyone in Star Wars, I’d be an Ewok.
He sent me books. Yes, real books—real, bound books—mostly printed by Vintage. We shared a passion for the noir of Raymond Chandler, but he was the one to introduce me to Cissy, and the civilized drifter’s life behind the scenes.
It went from being a modern age Facebook stalker kind of thing to a bona fide romance of the mind. A slow seduction kept so through the chastity of Internet inspired indifference, though he was a suitor without regard to if I’d read his letters and his writing, listened to his CDs, or considered his martini.
Maybe he doesn’t know that I merely stacked his affections, eventually ending up with an entire collection of CDs, a bookshelf of books, a bottle of wine, and finally the beginnings of a complete outfit one-item-at-a-time like winning items clothing from a game of strip poker.
The night we were to finally meet in person couldn’t have been anything I’d have dreamed up. Beyond the reason everyone gathered for me that night, of first shock there was my mother from whom I’d been estranged for the past ten years in from North Carolina, then it turns out that my friend just happened to be in from Boston, and was headed south from Orange County in his rental car to come see me, and finally was the what had been the best laid plan to finally lay my eyes on the flesh of the dandy. Managing two men, an old friend, and suitor of love, before my mother’s eyes was an exercise in performing reality on the crowded stage of surreal.
That night as he was leaving he kissed me. I could barely hear the whisper of his breath as my ear lingered too close to his lustful heart beat. As I broke the embrace I knew—we are what he writes of.
Drawn to my side again, we shared a morning of Robin Henkel at my coffee shop, we walked the beach to small cove amid the rocks of the small cliff where the ocean meets an abrupt end and settled in on the sand. I set aside W. Somerset Maugham, my words giving in to his embrace, his kiss. My body was distracted by the strength in his, my mind fell with my shoulder to the sand as distance lost its way in the space between us.
The next time we’d meet would be the last.
The length of your recovery is determined by the extent of your injuries. And it’s not always successful. No matter how hard we work at it. Some wounds might never fully heal. You might have to adjust to a whole new way of living. Things may have changed too radically to ever go back to what they were. You might not even recognize yourself. It’s like you haven’t recovered anything at all. You’re a whole new person with a whole new life.—Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy
i am writing because i hope that it relieves some of the despair and i will keep fantasy as just that.
i am thinking of the sharp knife in the kitchen. buying that knife in seattle gave me the only thing i own that i think i can kill myself with.
i imagine just sending him one last text. please tell my mother i love her, and see that my body makes it home to her.
i will climb in the bathtub, a warm bath, take the bottle of clonazepam. i googled it, apparently i can’t overdose on it, but it would knock me into a stupor which would leave me the courage to die.
i don’t know which is more humiliating, the betrayal, or being left to die in the mire he’s left behind.
i’ve called him 15 times with no response. i am a wasted worthless woman.
i have attracted the same man to my side twice.
i lost both of them.
i wanted to love. i would forgive and love.
once i slept with a knife and feared dying.
now i will sleep in death with a knife, i fear living.
9:35:37 PM Ang: I’ll let Cap/Josie and Gordon know. I just wanted to be with close friends given circumstances, so not attending any of the rest of the parties. Join me at my place if you guys feel like it. Your birthday present will hold until your mood improves.
9:35:43 PM Ang: Remember, you are loved.
9:39:06 PM Tara: what are the given circumstances?
9:39:17 PM Ang: its not important
9:39:20 PM Ang: focus on yourself
9:39:39 PM Ang: i guess at the very least, it’s thanksgiving. find what you’re thankful for
9:40:04 PM Ang: this between a canadian who’s already had hers, and a JW who doesn’t have family nor know the celebration
9:40:12 PM Ang: but all irony aside, the point remains
9:42:36 PM Tara: i appreciate that you are saving my feelings, but what are you talking about? something happened with your family?
9:42:54 PM Ang: no not really that big of a deal.
9:42:57 PM Ang: Gordon just has a new girl
9:43:08 PM Ang: i’ve been waiting around for you to get done being mad so we could talk
9:43:22 PM Ang: or at least celebrate you
9:43:26 PM Tara: im not mad at you
9:43:32 PM Tara: im just mad at life right now
9:43:33 PM Ang: well i wouldn’t be able to tell
9:43:39 PM Tara: but im getting over it
9:44:04 PM Tara: this must be a super new thing with Gordon
9:44:17 PM Ang: he met her last week on sunday
9:44:21 PM Ang: and i cried all weekend
9:44:39 PM Ang: i guess that’s as new as it gets really
9:44:45 PM Ang: it doesn’t matter
9:44:51 PM Tara: of course it does
9:45:03 PM Ang: no. it doesn’t. because he doesn’t want me to even call him.
9:45:08 PM Tara: regardless of your romantic involvment, you two are very close
9:45:19 PM Tara: oh, you must have had a falling out i dont know about
9:45:21 PM Ang: well i’ve spent the weekend in silence
9:45:30 PM Ang: brian so concerned he flew down last night to see me
9:45:44 PM Ang: i just wish everyone would TALK to each other
9:45:55 PM Ang: silence and going off into dark corners makes for very sad very disconnected people
9:46:01 PM Ang: this isn’t doing anyone any good
9:46:39 PM Ang: Gordon took his time off these past several weeks, so when i call on friday so happy to announce that “i’m ready”
9:46:45 PM Ang: i realize he’s done
9:46:59 PM Ang: i didn’t just tell trammel about you
9:47:08 PM Ang: it was obvious from the conversation, it’s natural course
9:47:15 PM Ang: because he was talking about removing people on twitter
9:47:17 PM Ang: and sean’s post
9:47:38 PM Ang: and ironically now that tantek has no friends he’s decided to bury the hatchet and say we can have brunch
9:47:49 PM Ang: everyone needs to stop being so fickle
9:47:50 PM Ang: and get with it
9:47:56 PM Ang: all we have is each other
9:48:09 PM Ang: or at least, that’s the case for some of us
9:48:27 PM Ang: and maybe that’s a selfish viewpoint, but it sure wouldn’t hurt the world to imagine that we’re all all we’ve got
9:48:47 PM Tara: for me at least, sometimes i just need space. so i can collect my thoughts.
9:48:56 PM Ang: well i don’t know you well enough.
9:49:06 PM Ang: so i’ve spent the weekend believing i have lost all of my best friends
9:49:13 PM Ang: and feeling stupid for calling them “best” friends
9:49:16 PM Ang: except for brian
9:49:23 PM Ang: brian i can because i loved him for three years
9:49:27 PM Ang: but gone nonetheless
9:49:35 PM Ang: so i guess i’m hurt
9:49:47 PM Ang: don’t just drop off the planet like that
9:49:50 PM Ang: tell me what you need better
9:50:02 PM Ang: i made Gordon mad because i didn’t know how to walk away
9:50:11 PM Ang: and i was terrified of contacting you
9:50:13 PM Ang: but i needed someone
9:50:25 PM Ang: fuck it – life really sucks sometimes
9:50:30 PM Ang: and i’m not the kind of person to get all emotional
9:50:35 PM Ang: nor to ask for help
9:50:42 PM Ang: but it killed me
9:50:45 PM Ang: it’s your birthday kid
9:50:53 PM Ang: and all i could feel is your pain
9:50:56 PM Ang: and your silence
9:51:00 PM Ang: and Gordon’s anger
9:51:05 PM Ang: and my heart break
9:52:46 PM Tara: well i think it probably just came down to bad timing in so many ways. I have been very upset about a lot of things lately and they just got to the boiling point and I needed a break from the world. i wasn’t unavailable, im just not on twitter. im sorry you felt like you couldn’t talk to me….but I did respond to all your texts and such. most people have been contacting me by IM and text and email and Facebook.
9:53:15 PM Ang: you specifically sent me a text saying you were going off the grid for the weekend
9:53:25 PM Ang: when i recieved your decline for girls night i assume the weekend was extended
9:53:29 PM Tara: ya, for the weekend
9:53:31 PM Tara: no no
9:53:40 PM Tara: eva invited me and sean to dinner for my bday
9:53:54 PM Ang: after being so very harshly rebuked by the person that means the most in the world to me (and apparently doesn’t know/believe that) i wasn’t going to take a chance on pissing you off
9:54:00 PM Tara: there isn’t a comments thing when you decline an invite.
9:54:13 PM Ang: see this is why people need to talk
9:54:40 PM Ang: i’m not upset that you declined but rather had nothing else to go by as a sign of whether or not the tara whiteflag had been raised
9:54:57 PM Tara: sorry. i should have sent you a note to tell you why i couldn’t make it
9:55:21 PM Ang: no. don’t be sorry. just know that i’ve been so concerned. and hopeful that i didn’t make your “not true friends” list
9:55:32 PM Tara: ha. no
9:55:33 PM Ang: you and Gordon are all that i’ve built here
9:55:39 PM Ang: and half of that is gone
9:56:01 PM Ang: actually you both decided you wanted time and space on friday
9:56:06 PM Tara: Gordon isn’t gone, he is just figuring stuff out. you guys will have to figure out how you are going to be going forward if you are both dating others
9:56:17 PM Ang: he said he doesn’t want to date multiple people
9:56:20 PM Ang: he’s dating “her”
9:56:33 PM Ang: i pretty much went psycho
9:56:37 PM Ang: as evidenced by my blog
9:56:46 PM Ang: and all the IM’s, emails and DM’s i sent him privately
9:57:00 PM Ang: and showing up at 3am to proclaim i believed in love and would fight for him
9:57:13 PM Ang: he told me in no uncertain terms that it was over
9:57:21 PM Ang: he didn’t have feelings for me anymore
9:58:00 PM Ang: he fell for her on sunday, fucked me on wednesday (and left), and i realized that there was someone else on friday while nursing him to health
9:58:37 PM Ang: ironic. because i had finally by thursday cleared all the dating/sex karma away
9:58:41 PM Ang: i’m not sleeping with anyone
9:58:45 PM Ang: and even brian seems to get that
9:59:15 PM Tara: perhaps thats a good thing
9:59:20 PM Ang: what is?
9:59:22 PM Tara: start fresh
9:59:28 PM Tara: have a good break from boys and sex
9:59:37 PM Tara: go to italy
9:59:39 PM Ang: i am in love with Gordon
9:59:39 PM Tara: have fun
9:59:42 PM Tara: oh
9:59:43 PM Ang: there is no starting fresh
9:59:47 PM Tara: oh i see
9:59:58 PM Ang: i have been
10:00:03 PM Ang: i thought you knew this
10:00:15 PM Ang: i couldn’t dishonor him by being with him while i was trying to figure out fidelity
10:00:24 PM Tara: well i thought you were figuring it out still
10:00:25 PM Ang: being == dating him publically
10:00:28 PM Ang: so did i
10:00:34 PM Ang: see what not talking gets you?
10:00:40 PM Ang: i respect his space and he shuts me off
10:01:06 PM Ang: i was so excited to see him wednesday at Mighty
10:01:18 PM Ang: but i tried to stay “cool” because he hadn’t given me the “go ahead” sign
10:01:31 PM Ang: i don’t know
10:01:34 PM Ang: it doesn’t matter
10:01:42 PM Ang: i’m sorry
10:01:46 PM Ang: i didn’t mean to dump this on you
10:02:00 PM Ang: i guess i’m just spilling because you’re the only one who comes close to knowing how i feel
10:02:12 PM Ang: and even you don’t because i masked it all behind a brave face
10:02:16 PM Ang: casual
10:02:17 PM Ang: whatever
10:02:25 PM Ang: fear masked
10:02:29 PM Ang: i wasn’t good enough
10:02:30 PM Ang: now i am
10:02:35 PM Ang: but he doesn’t want me anymore
10:02:51 PM Ang: i can’t believe i missed the whole point
10:02:55 PM Ang: he loved me just as i was
10:03:45 PM Tara: Well, I know that you care for him deeply. That being said, there were aspects to Gordon that you were struggling with. Did you decide that they could be overlooked?
10:04:41 PM Ang: it took me a bit to grow used to loving Gordon, because he stood in stark contrast to what i’ve known, to what i most recently loved.
10:04:50 PM Ang: i feared that contrast and feared that it wasn’t “true”
10:04:56 PM Ang: that i was in love with an idea
10:05:02 PM Ang: or with how he treated me, but not him
10:05:13 PM Ang: i used excuses to keep a distance from him
10:05:21 PM Ang: things to help me rationalize why we shouldn’t be
10:05:32 PM Tara: i see
10:05:36 PM Ang: all cycling around that he is an amazing and thoughtful and kind person
10:05:40 PM Ang: who didn’t deserve a mess
10:05:49 PM Ang: i carried with me the baggage of brian
10:05:59 PM Ang: him constantly feeling as though i had or would cheat on him
10:06:02 PM Ang: i never did
10:06:04 PM Ang: i never would
10:06:07 PM Ang: but i started to believe that
10:06:25 PM Ang: that’s why when i met Gordon, and i actually knew at that time that i would be a free woman soon
10:06:33 PM Ang: (and might have already been i need to check the date)
10:06:37 PM Ang: i didn’t pursue
10:06:42 PM Ang: i didn’t start anything
10:06:49 PM Ang: i did give him my number, but i told him that i had a boyfriend
10:07:07 PM Ang: then in between i forgot about that guy with the amazing smile, and sparkly blue eyes
10:07:28 PM Ang: when i got here, and he started to pursue i was filled with so much fear
10:07:40 PM Ang: in seattle i had started my “get it out of my system” quest
10:07:49 PM Ang: to prove that sex doesn’t matter if it isn’t tied to love
10:07:53 PM Ang: and i’ve learned so much
10:08:00 PM Ang: and i proved to myself, without a doubt
10:08:07 PM Ang: that i only want to be with one person
10:08:12 PM Ang: that’s what i’ve always believed
10:08:24 PM Ang: but now i know
10:08:31 PM Ang: because i always wanted Gordon
10:08:37 PM Ang: i wouldn’t know this if it weren’t for him
10:08:52 PM Ang: its ironic that how we’ve come to be is the only course that seems to have cleared up that thought
10:09:02 PM Ang: but it’s also the course that’s caused me to lose him
10:09:10 PM Ang: what i’ve told him is different than what you’ve heard
10:09:17 PM Ang: because i’m terrified of being the fool
10:09:25 PM Ang: of
10:09:29 PM Ang: “falling in love too fast”
10:09:34 PM Ang: but then you guys happened
10:09:42 PM Ang: but he’d already stepped away from me
10:09:42 PM Tara: you started feeling this way before he told you that he is seeing someone?
10:09:50 PM Ang: it’s been this way for quite a while
10:09:58 PM Ang: the only point is that i was still trying to clean up my mess
10:10:02 PM Ang: i’ve talked to every boy
10:10:08 PM Ang: spent time alone
10:10:13 PM Ang: thought about what i really want
10:10:24 PM Ang: i respected a “fresh start” because that’s what i really wanted too
10:10:30 PM Ang: i don’t know how he never viewed me as whore
10:10:41 PM Ang: but i don’t want the father of my children to think of their mother that way
10:10:45 PM Ang: you know?
10:10:48 PM Ang: i wanted to be good enough
10:10:57 PM Ang: i wanted to be “pure”
10:11:31 PM Ang: Gordon and i talked about portions of this, but i didn’t really figure it out clearly until after this night that the two of us layed on his floor and i had a crazy reaction
10:11:39 PM Ang: and seeing stephen helped
10:11:47 PM Ang: and i needed to have the end with brian
10:11:52 PM Ang: the end being brian really getting it
10:11:58 PM Ang: which i don’t think he did until last night
10:12:12 PM Ang: last night he hugged me because my heart was broken for someone else
10:12:19 PM Ang: i told him all of this stuff
10:12:27 PM Ang: about how much i carried with me from our relationship
10:12:30 PM Ang: and how it’s led me here
10:12:45 PM Tara: wow
10:12:51 PM Ang: i feel like i failed though
10:12:54 PM Tara: that is quite the spiritual journey
10:12:57 PM Ang: Gordon waited so long
10:13:04 PM Ang: i had no idea he wouldn’t make the last week
10:13:11 PM Ang: i thought we had an understanding
10:13:22 PM Ang: that after brian came then i would be ready
10:13:35 PM Ang: i felt like i owed brian a weekend to really understand
10:13:44 PM Ang: respect for the length of our relationship
10:14:00 PM Ang: i didn’t want to lose our friendship because he wouldn’t get it all the way from seattle
10:14:05 PM Ang: and never see him again because of his pride
10:14:09 PM Ang: he was such a dick
10:14:13 PM Ang: and i took a week to recover
10:14:19 PM Ang: but now even he’s good
10:14:23 PM Ang: but it’s all too late
10:14:34 PM Ang: what’s worse is that i have no plans
10:14:46 PM Ang: i literally made no plans for anything because i was going to be with Gordon
10:15:09 PM Ang: i’m here for thanksgiving because he wanted us to stay in town for Tramsgiving
10:15:25 PM Ang: and Tram is doing the off the grid thing i imagine – no Tramsgiving
10:15:34 PM Ang: we were supposed to be in NC
10:15:37 PM Ang: him meeting my sister
10:15:43 PM Ang: and my nieces
10:15:46 PM Ang: which kills me
10:15:49 PM Ang: because he wants kids
10:15:56 PM Ang: and i wanted him to see my family
10:16:07 PM Ang: the other night i even told him about our children
10:16:10 PM Ang: they are in rosetta stone
10:16:17 PM Ang: two blonde kids
10:16:20 PM Ang: a boy and a girl
10:16:23 PM Ang: i know i sound crazy
10:16:35 PM Ang: but that was me
10:16:39 PM Ang: and now i’m so lost
10:16:44 PM Ang: i don’t even know how to understand all this
10:16:56 PM Ang: i told you about asking him to move in, didn’t i?
10:17:01 PM Tara: no
10:17:03 PM Ang: i did
10:17:06 PM Ang: several weeks ago
10:17:13 PM Tara: oh wow
10:17:19 PM Tara: what did he say?
10:17:24 PM Ang: he was shocked
10:17:28 PM Ang: i didn’t go about it the best way
10:17:32 PM Ang: i was way too practical
10:17:33 PM Ang: again me
10:17:35 PM Ang: you know
10:17:45 PM Ang: easier to reason out why it’s a good idea
10:17:48 PM Ang: finanically and stuff
10:17:57 PM Ang: than to be able to grapple with the big hugeness of the step
10:18:01 PM Ang: i’ve never lived with anyone
10:18:07 PM Ang: i’ve dated several people for 3+ years
10:18:10 PM Ang: and never even considered it
10:18:18 PM Ang: but i love being next to him
10:18:46 PM Ang: we had some tough times in the past couple months while we essentially lived together
10:18:52 PM Ang: but nothing that we couldn’t/didn’t learn from
10:18:56 PM Ang: or at least i know the mistake
10:18:57 PM Ang: s
10:19:06 PM Ang: i need to have a car so i can get things done on the weekend
10:19:10 PM Ang: while he likes to do nothing on the weekend
10:19:29 PM Ang: and he loves to watch his “violence” while i don’t really like seeing it
10:19:49 PM Ang: and because i didn’t have the car usually i couldn’t get away as much
10:19:57 PM Ang: so we spent a bit more time together than we should have
10:20:14 PM Ang: but still, i now know i could be stuck on an island with him the rest of my life and not eat him out of annoyance
10:20:22 PM Ang: 🙂
10:20:25 PM Ang: that was a joke
10:20:33 PM Tara: haha
10:20:33 PM Ang: i’m feeling better
10:20:37 PM Ang: some what
10:20:43 PM Ang: the hardest part is that i asked him one question
10:20:48 PM Ang: i mean i asked him a million
10:20:53 PM Ang: but i asked only one that really mattered
10:21:09 PM Ang: i asked him if he knew that i was going to wrap him in my love on (this past) friday
10:21:11 PM Ang: he said no
10:21:31 PM Ang: i had the whole weekend planned, daydream style in my head
10:21:50 PM Ang: we don’t make big concrete plans, but the general idea is a common one that we’ve had for all these weekends together
10:21:56 PM Ang: movie and popcorn on the couch
10:22:02 PM Ang: him and homework, me and server migration
10:22:14 PM Ang: making love on the couch, the chair and finally making it up to the bed
10:22:16 PM Ang: again another routine
10:22:21 PM Ang: and how i’ve missed that!!!!!!
10:22:32 PM Ang: and sunday i’d go do my thing, and he’d veg
10:22:38 PM Ang: and then i’d come back and whatever
10:22:54 PM Ang: and thanksgiving – such a wonderful coming out party
10:22:58 PM Ang: finally to be the girl on his arm
10:23:12 PM Ang: to be able to look at him and not have to mask the adoration in my eyes
10:23:27 PM Ang: to be able to snuggle up when the other couples got close
10:23:42 PM Ang: my birthday – i wanted just one present – him. to celebrate us.
10:23:48 PM Tara: that would have been nice to see
10:23:57 PM Ang: december 6th would be 6 months from when this started
10:24:03 PM Tara: he just said flat out no?
10:24:07 PM Ang: yup
10:24:15 PM Ang: he wouldn’t even open up his heart to me
10:24:19 PM Ang: he held so stiff
10:24:26 PM Ang: his eyes were cold
10:24:33 PM Ang: he resisted me with everything he had
10:24:41 PM Ang: finally at almost 5am he relented
10:24:46 PM Ang: the softness returned
10:24:51 PM Ang: but i think it was more pity than anything
10:25:00 PM Ang: he’s turned his heart cold to me
10:25:39 PM Ang: i think that’s pretty much all there is to tell
10:25:47 PM Ang: except that i was also ready to ask about going to christmas with him
10:25:56 PM Ang: he had taken the invitiation back a long time ago
10:26:04 PM Ang: (i was horrified – to think he’d bring the whore home?!)
10:26:09 PM Ang: but i was going to ask
10:26:29 PM Ang: and if he wanted to be home with family and stuff alone, then i was going to go home to heather i think
10:26:50 PM Ang: (somewhere nuetral, “home” is hard since my mom and all)
10:27:04 PM Ang: but he was only going to be gone a short time anyway
10:27:11 PM Ang: and to think! to celebrate new years!
10:27:25 PM Ang: i also had wanted him to go home with me for tday
10:27:32 PM Ang: but he kept wanting to stay here for tramsgiving
10:27:38 PM Ang: and i didn’t want to take that away from him
10:27:42 PM Ang: i figured there was plenty of time
10:27:50 PM Ang: the worst has been i’ve avoided my sister
10:27:56 PM Ang: she and mackenzie keep asking about Gordon
10:28:12 PM Ang: (mackenzie is my neice who he would talk with on skype while i was in NC)
10:28:49 PM Ang: ok
10:28:51 PM Ang: well i think i’m done
10:28:54 PM Ang: that’s all there is to tell
10:29:00 PM Ang: my brain is now empty
10:29:02 PM Tara: wait
10:29:05 PM Tara: who is the girl?
10:29:08 PM Ang: i have no idea
10:29:13 PM Ang: but [redacted] thinks it’s [redacted]
10:29:21 PM Ang: because he said that it “knew” on sunday
10:29:24 PM Ang: he hung out with a girl
10:29:26 PM Tara: what?
10:29:29 PM Ang: and she was so easy to hang out with
10:29:29 PM Tara: [redacted]
10:29:30 PM Ang: yeah
10:29:31 PM Ang: i know
10:29:32 PM Tara: what?
10:29:35 PM Tara: she is with [redacted]
10:29:44 PM Ang: but sunday was the night that [redacted] walked with Gordon from [redacted’s] place to Gordons
10:29:54 PM Ang: and they hung out and watched tv and ate dinner
10:30:00 PM Ang: which is exactly what Gordon said
10:30:03 PM Ang: he just didn’t say who
10:30:09 PM Ang: and “she” is on the east coast
10:30:18 PM Ang: and only has three days off for christmas
10:30:24 PM Tara: that seems crazy
10:30:24 PM Ang: because i asked if he invited her to xmas
10:30:28 PM Ang: it is crazy
10:30:30 PM Tara: [redacted] said he has been chasing her for a year
10:30:39 PM Tara: and was so excited to be dating her
10:30:40 PM Ang: but knowing that his girl is unlikely doesn’t make me feel better
10:30:42 PM Tara: he was gushing about her
10:30:46 PM Ang: it’s not about how he feels about her
10:30:50 PM Ang: it’s about how he feels about me
10:30:52 PM Ang: that he gave up
10:30:56 PM Ang: and didn’t give a shit
10:31:01 PM Ang: yeah, [redacted] doesn’t know
10:31:02 PM Tara: of course he cares
10:31:03 PM Ang: if it is her
10:31:08 PM Ang: and [redacted] is a player
10:31:12 PM Ang: according to [redacted]
10:31:21 PM Ang: and would have no interest in Gordon
10:31:25 PM Ang: besides “liking” him
10:31:32 PM Ang: a personality like yours and mine
10:31:40 PM Ang: where people think you like them
10:31:44 PM Ang: but you’re just being you
10:31:53 PM Ang: i don’t hold out hope it’s her
10:31:59 PM Tara: but here’s the thing, Gordon and you went thru ups and downs. and he waited for you and adores you. he can’t just turn that off. no one can
10:32:00 PM Ang: because i don’t want to even get wrapped up in that
10:32:27 PM Tara: so maybe he sees somethign else to pay attention to b/c he just needed a break
10:32:41 PM Tara: and maybe it was hard on him when Brian was here.
10:32:47 PM Tara: i mean Brian did stay at your place
10:32:57 PM Tara: and i have no idea about any of this…just guessing. i never talked to him about it
10:33:23 PM Tara: sean even said that it must have been awkward for Gordon to be at your party and see Brian’s stuff all in your room
10:33:40 PM Tara: im not saying this to make you feel bad, just trying to understand where Gordon is at
10:33:52 PM Tara: he’s probably hurt. maybe doesn’t totally trust that you really want just him
10:34:02 PM Ang: i really didn’t realize how people would view that until several people asked (separately) where brian was staying
10:34:10 PM Ang: yeah, but i’ve fucked up big
10:34:25 PM Ang: he said that all of this has just made him want to run essentially
10:34:29 PM Ang: that i wasn’t helping
10:34:38 PM Ang: he was so cold
10:34:42 PM Ang: not cold like other people
10:34:45 PM Ang: but cold for him
10:35:05 PM Tara: i dont know him well enough to tell you what to do about this
10:35:11 PM Ang: please don’t take this the wrong way, but i even threatened to rape him
10:35:15 PM Tara: i dont know if you should give him space, or keep reminding him how you feel
10:35:26 PM Ang: and he said he would fight me
10:35:32 PM Ang: and i said i would never do that to someone
10:35:44 PM Ang: i left my keys on the stairs
10:35:52 PM Ang: because i knew i couldn’t be trusted to stay away
10:35:56 PM Ang: i have these note cards
10:36:02 PM Ang: sticky pad with designs on each page
10:36:06 PM Ang: think hallmark cutiesy
10:36:15 PM Ang: and i thought of putting them on his door
10:36:20 PM Ang: one next to another
10:36:23 PM Ang: but upside down
10:36:29 PM Ang: just to be funny/symbolic
10:36:37 PM Ang: then i thought he’d think i was crazy
10:36:45 PM Ang: i had been busy dreaming up “new” things for us
10:36:53 PM Ang: because i have “used” so many experiences with other people
10:37:01 PM Ang: i guess that’s sort of off subject
10:37:06 PM Ang: but just more of how i’d been planning
10:37:14 PM Ang: i couldn’t wait
10:37:25 PM Ang: and it didn’t really hit me until after the talk with aj
10:37:34 PM Ang: when i was free from every guy and all expectations
10:38:00 PM Ang: and while i thought i totally knew how i felt this weekend
10:38:16 PM Ang: it wasn’t until waking up next to brian and wanting him (Gordon) so bad
10:38:28 PM Ang: realizing that he’d completely erradicated all feeling for brian
10:38:47 PM Ang: it was so powerful
10:38:52 PM Ang: and brian knew all of this too
10:39:05 PM Ang: i even had it out with the guy that hurt Gordon the most
10:39:10 PM Tara: well at least you know you are over Brian
10:39:10 PM Ang: it’s on my blog what happened there
10:39:14 PM Tara: ok ill read it
10:39:14 PM Ang: i knew before
10:39:20 PM Ang: i just had to do it gracefully
10:39:24 PM Tara: i see
10:39:32 PM Tara: so what are you going to do?
10:39:35 PM Ang: wait
10:39:56 PM Ang: for the past few days it really sucked because Gordon came immediately on wednesday (when he entered)
10:40:01 PM Ang: and it left me with a huge whole
10:40:05 PM Ang: wanting, you know
10:40:11 PM Ang: and now that that’s subsided
10:40:14 PM Ang: i can wait
10:40:23 PM Ang: but that fucked with my head so much
10:40:28 PM Ang: hence the rape comment
10:40:29 PM Ang: i think
10:40:30 PM Ang: i don’t know
10:40:38 PM Ang: i feel bad about that
10:41:05 PM Ang: i guess i just felt that he’d let me in to his heart, that i could break through his wall if he’d lose those defenses
10:41:13 PM Ang: my sadness moment
10:41:19 PM Ang: to try to use sex to get the guy
10:41:34 PM Ang: i’m so embarrassed
10:41:39 PM Ang: please don’t tell anyone that
10:41:46 PM Ang: but i feel so bad so much i’ve kept from you
10:41:53 PM Ang: but i don’t know how to tell the truth
10:42:07 PM Ang: the truth, in as much as the underlying honesty of feelings
10:42:12 PM Ang: so much of it i’m sorting out as i go
10:42:21 PM Ang: i can figure out other people so easy
10:42:27 PM Ang: but i take longer with myself
10:42:33 PM Ang: i don’t mean to have mislead you along the way
10:42:38 PM Ang: about how i feel about him
10:42:51 PM Ang: i was honestly mad when you suggested (we were walking one day) that i leave him alone
10:43:04 PM Ang: he was when we were talking about the changes i was watching him make and how i liked all of them
10:43:22 PM Ang: i’m sorry, i must be tiring you
10:43:40 PM Ang: please, be honored that i’ve held all of this for you
10:43:48 PM Ang: you’ve really become a friend for me
10:44:01 PM Ang: i’m not sure i know how to really show that stuff
10:44:17 PM Ang: because my friends were all willing to drop me as soon as I was no longer a JW
10:44:26 PM Ang: and its taken alot to redefine what it means
10:45:36 PM Tara: well, i understand that. im trying to figure out the whole friend thing too. its been very hard for me but i think im figuring it out
10:46:07 PM Tara: like i said. i was never mad at you. it was just timing. even if the trammell thing didn’t happen, i still would have taken a break
10:46:20 PM Tara: but i should have said to you that despite my off the grid status, i am still available if you need me
10:46:28 PM Tara: friends needing me trumps being off the grid
10:46:37 PM Ang: i think that it’s all okay
10:46:44 PM Ang: i might have hidden all of what i felt
10:46:50 PM Ang: if you’d have been available
10:46:56 PM Ang: done the “fuck it” kind of thing
10:47:03 PM Ang: i’ve never cried so much before
10:47:11 PM Ang: i cried all day friday, and through saturday
10:47:22 PM Ang: i’m not done, but it’s just sporadic
10:47:31 PM Ang: like when i got home from shopping
10:47:39 PM Ang: shopping i realized i don’t have him to buy for
10:47:45 PM Ang: it’s just a shock
10:47:52 PM Ang: i thought we were us still
10:47:59 PM Ang: and we were just taking time so we could start fresh
10:48:02 PM Ang: and there was a moment
10:48:09 PM Ang: he asked me to get togetehr
10:48:35 PM Ang: i thought we were going to have a “serious” conversation
10:48:40 PM Ang: and i asked him to do it that night
10:48:46 PM Ang: (so i wouldn’t die waiting)
10:48:52 PM Ang: and he met me, we went to Little Star
10:48:57 PM Ang: I didn’t realize it was a date
10:49:11 PM Ang: he made a comment about my not having my period “boding well” for his getting laid
10:49:16 PM Ang: and i realized i was hurt
10:49:24 PM Ang: because thats a reference to sex
10:49:26 PM Ang: not making love
10:49:39 PM Ang: and then he mentioned or clarified about the date somewhere in conversation
10:49:48 PM Ang: and then i realized how horrible and awkard a date it was
10:49:56 PM Ang: because i was waiting for the shoe to drop
10:50:02 PM Ang: and he was evaluating what it’s like to date me
10:50:05 PM Ang: i failed that date
10:50:13 PM Ang: we went back to my house and i was morose
10:50:18 PM Ang: it really did feel dead
10:50:19 PM Ang: different
10:50:23 PM Ang: his lips were lifeless
10:50:26 PM Ang: and parched
10:50:37 PM Ang: we stared at each other heads side-by-side on the couch
10:50:41 PM Ang: i was dying inside
10:50:45 PM Ang: but told myself that it was good
10:50:51 PM Ang: that we really could start fresh then
10:50:55 PM Ang: and i waited
10:51:07 PM Ang: i waited for him to call, for us to have a real date
10:51:38 PM Ang: and more than anything i figured he was waiting because the timeline was supposed to go AFTER the housewarming weekend when i made sure brian had “closure”
10:51:53 PM Tara: i see
10:52:04 PM Ang: i don’t remember what the point wa
10:52:06 PM Ang: was
10:52:34 PM Tara: you were just saying that you had a lot of emotions over the weekend and really thought about things and you may not have been prepared to share with me then like you are now
10:52:41 PM Ang: oh
10:52:47 PM Ang: well to leave on a good note
10:52:55 PM Ang: so maybe you will be happy somewhat
10:53:21 PM Ang: the moment i knew that he was “the one” — that there was truly and absolutely no reservation at all that i wanted to be with that man and no one else
10:53:34 PM Ang: it was when you and sean were saying goodbye to Brian
10:53:39 PM Ang: and he and i were in the kitchen
10:53:51 PM Ang: he gave me his patented Gordon hug
10:53:58 PM Ang: that i imagine has a special thing in it for just me
10:54:07 PM Ang: but the one where he picks you up off your feet
10:54:14 PM Ang: (i like watching him hug ali like that)
10:54:22 PM Ang: and he kissed me quickly a couple of times
10:54:27 PM Ang: i wish i had been more responsive
10:54:40 PM Ang: but i didn’t want our “first” moment together to be there
10:54:46 PM Ang: in the midst of brian being an ass
10:54:53 PM Ang: and just so brief before he had to go
10:55:02 PM Ang: that night i thought about going over to Gordons house
10:55:04 PM Ang: surprising him
10:55:10 PM Ang: sleeping next to him
10:55:17 PM Ang: i’d missed him so bad for so long at that point
10:55:26 PM Ang: it doesn’t feel natural without him by my side
10:55:40 PM Ang: but i make everything happen with us
10:55:45 PM Ang: i’ve controlled everything
10:55:51 PM Ang: and i didn’t want to take that away from him
10:55:53 PM Ang: his choice
10:55:57 PM Ang: to tell me when he was ready
10:56:01 PM Ang: and the “fresh start” was done
10:56:11 PM Ang: if i had
10:56:16 PM Ang: we wouldn’t be having this conversation
10:56:33 PM Tara: man, i really hope he gives you guys a chance
10:57:13 PM Ang: me too
10:57:27 PM Ang: i nearly threw up the night i bought the ticket to europe
10:57:40 PM Ang: i hope that that doesn’t ruin all chance
10:57:44 PM Ang: the final straw
10:57:54 PM Ang: but i have to go away
10:58:02 PM Ang: i can’t respect his wishes sitting here
10:58:05 PM Ang: i need to clear my head
10:58:11 PM Ang: because if this is really over
10:58:16 PM Ang: i really feel like i have nothing
10:58:23 PM Ang: and you know,
10:58:26 PM Ang: i don’t regret that
10:58:38 PM Ang: i put my all into being ready for this relationship
10:58:51 PM Ang: i haven’t built a life, because it was going to be us building our life togehter
10:59:04 PM Ang: but if it isn’t to be i’ve got a lot of figuring out what i’m going to do
10:59:31 PM Ang: btw, i want you to know
10:59:35 PM Ang: i’ve never been like this before
10:59:45 PM Ang: i think it comes from that every relationship has ended naturally
10:59:53 PM Ang: of natural evolution of life and romance and love
11:00:11 PM Ang: its easy to come to terms with those things
11:00:20 PM Ang: this is just different
11:00:26 PM Ang: but i guess it’s good to have experienced it
11:00:32 PM Ang: nonetheless, let me shut up
11:00:35 PM Ang: thanks for listening
11:00:52 PM Ang: and thanks for holding the truth about my love
11:01:09 PM Ang: i wish i could tell the world
11:01:14 PM Ang: but they just wouldn’t understand 🙂
11:01:56 PM Tara: well i think they would understand that you love someone. And that you needed time to let go of a past love before committing to a new one
11:02:06 PM Tara: that you needed a break in between
11:02:16 PM Tara: but that break included Gordon and i think thats when it got fuzzy
11:02:44 PM Ang: yeah, its strange
11:02:52 PM Ang: i don’t know whether to be happy that i did have at least that with him
11:03:01 PM Ang: or wish that it had never happened so it could be different
11:03:10 PM Ang: i’ve always believed in things as they are
11:03:21 PM Ang: but i just might have found the second regret in my life
11:03:38 PM Ang: well, good night my love
11:03:40 PM Ang: sweet dreams
11:03:47 PM Ang: i am excited to give you your present
11:03:52 PM Ang: but only when you feel better
11:03:58 PM Ang: you have made me happy
11:04:03 PM Ang: that i could share my love/emotion with you
11:04:10 PM Ang: please carry that happiness to bed with you
11:04:16 PM Ang: i know that everything will work out
11:04:24 PM Ang: i just don’t have much faith in understanding that right now
11:04:34 PM Ang: but i guess that’s the part that friends are for 🙂
11:04:43 PM Ang: sweet sweet dreams
11:04:47 PM Ang: and love that boy of yors
11:04:48 PM Ang: yours
11:05:02 PM Tara: ok. i hope you can get some sleep. im glad you felt you could share with me.
11:05:18 PM Tara: we can chat more tomorrow about turkey day plans and try to coordinate something
11:05:33 PM Ang: good night
11:05:35 PM Tara: nite!
11:05:36 PM Ang: xoxo
11:05:37 PM Tara: xox
Angela [10:20 PM]:
hopefully that is the end of insecurity. and as brian told you “we’re giving it a go”
Amy [10:21 PM]:
i actually haven’t spoken with brian yet but thats what i assumed
Angela [10:22 PM]:
uh, are you sure?
brian didn’t call you?
I guess someone is still one foot out. How the hell am I supposed to feel secure when I can’t even trust things he voluntarily tells me?
This is the same crushing feeling that broke me in Italy. Knowing that you don’t need me. I miss you and desire you and you’re don’t even know. You replace me with friends and laughter and life. I sit and cry.
That night I realized why you wouldn’t want me. You were right. I was boring. Lifeless. Jealous. A loser with no confidence and no self-esteem. I’m not put together, I don’t have a dazzling smile.
You have plans, and I’m hanging onto a sad friendship that would be better off dead. Nobody wants me. And I understand why. I’m sad, pathetic, and worthless. Brad had it right in the beginning. He was a loser, but I was lower.
I’m pathetic. Dreams are shattered and reality is a darker shade of grey than the Seattle sky.
Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street
She thinks, “Hey,
How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,
But I can’t get out of this place”
There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together – to grey
And it breaks her heart
How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn’t listen
There’s still a hope in her it might
She says, “I pray
But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place”
There’s loneliness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together – to grey
And it breaks her heart
There’s a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It’d take the work out of the courage
But she says, “Please
There’s a crazy man that’s creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world”
There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It’s more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together – to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
well that really sucks. keller tells brian i’ve posted photos (which when i posted i knew he’d know immediately) but in a negative light. brian tells me tonight and my first reaction was a little bit of surprise because i had already changed the album title, details, and basically the overall tone. i had originally posted them as a reaction to the hurt and because people who thought i was a cheater in rome. anyone can look at those photos and imagine a little more level playing field. at the very least it leveled my heart.
in any case, i knew last week that keller was not my friend. i IM’ed him and emailed him, and he didn’t respond. no, instead he emailed brian and asked for my ticket. charlie needed one. why not ditch the girl? would brian have uninvited me if it weren’t for keller? i guess i’ll never know because brian’s so fucked in the head he couldn’t tell the truth one way or another. but i’ll always believe we would have gone together… because what he did instead is low class.
what’s even worse is the conversation that it motivated. thanks keller. and you didn’t even use the ticket. 10 years from now i will remember that. you won’t be in my wedding. you did nothing to help us, you were a naysayer.
so in the end – yeah, i shouldn’t have sent the email, because i already knew that keller wasn’t my friend. a real friend would have helped brian figure out what he really wants, how he really feels, not helping him follow some woman hater script. a real friend would have checked on me to see how i was doing. a real friend would have responded to my IM & email even if to say “I don’t know (what the plan with the show is)”. a real friend would have seen the photos and emailed me to say, “hey, are you sure you wanna do that because people might think…” But, no, Keller wasn’t a real friend. Keller isn’t a real friend.
Nothing like a relationship in the lurch to determine who is and isn’t.
Oh – and I’m not going to be in a relationship where it can’t be completely open and honest. What I did in emailing Keller violated that trust, but it can and will be earned back. There’s a reason the law has protection for married couples.
Starting a new post with my positive happy thoughts…
My lemonade is yummy, and as long as there are no crossing paths I’m happy I stopped to get it.
And Rachel called back just as I was walking in to meet Jeremy. Things didn’t go as well as she hoped with Giuseppe. We chatted for a moment and she was thrilled with the idea of having me come visit. I now just need to find a ticket for cheap enough. I used to go to the city all the time when I was single. I wish there was some way to figure out how many times I went in those couple of years. (Couple… was it only two?) Last I recall I had gone nine times, but that was a long time ago. In any case, it’ll be nice to be with her. She knows exactly how I feel about Brian. She was the last person to see me in love.
Now all I need to do is find a ticket.
i had lunch with Jeremy at this barbeque place that was really quite good in Pioneer Square. It was on First and might be called Longhorn or something. They serve sweet tea, which was a perk. Anyway I was then headed to Dad Watson’s which was my original intention after my violin lesson, before getting sidetracked to have lunch with Jeremy. I was crusing down First and then passed Cherry Street. Earlier I had considered my old haunt, Uptown Espresso, but I just wasn’t in the mood for coffee… I love the tea at Dad Watson’s. But lemonade, now that’s a whole ‘nother thing! I circled the block looking for parking (and in a split moment when making the decision realized that I wasn’t quite sure how to get to Fremont from Belltown, I always come the opposite route). I circle all the way around back to a spot in front of the church. Then I start to feel bad. As I pay for my parking I start to feel bad…
Am I on his turf. Is it uncomfortable to be so close? What if he drives right by here? I reason that it’s easier to get to Capital Hill later for the show. It’s easier to park here. I can’t believe I’m going through these thoughts. I can’t believe I can’t go where I want in this city. But maybe that’s the point. Maybe it’s not my city, maybe it’s his. I used to hang out in Belltown quite a bit before we met. Top Pot, Uptown, Wasabi, Shorties (yuck!), The Waterfront, The Edgewater bar… but somehow now I feel uncomfortable and I’m sitting here thinking of leaving. Cherry Street is on the shady side of the street anyway. It’s kind of cold here. Maybe I’ll get my 2 hour meters worth out of it and then run.
Is it any wonder I can’t stand the thought of staying if we’re not together. Who’d get what neighborhoods in the breakup? I claim dibs on Fremont but, he’s had a longer claim than I have even if I spend more time there lately. UW is obviously mine with no debate. Cap Hill would be mine. But I guess I’d have to give up Belltown. Sorry – I’d put up a fight for that. But not today, it’s too windy and cold.
Damn it. I was in a great mood too. I should have turned off 1st in Pioneer Square. I never should have driven through here. And I shouldn’t be sitting here now. I think I’d have a heart attack if he wandered across me. Geez, this is messed up isn’t it?
it’s a shame that this was written because he had given me some horrible news and i was locked, crying in the bathroom. but maybe if you can get past the first line then you can see why i believed in us.
Never in my life have I ever been so ashamed. Truly, honestly, I have no idea what happened – but I can promise to you it meant nothing. For the first time in my entire life I finally have a treasure who has entered into it – someone with energy, character, charisma, intelligence, and more. The list of your positive traits goes on and on, but more importantly to me is that you make me a better person, make me strive to be a better person, to be the best person I can possibly be for you. I do this because I am in love with. I don’t love you – it is so much deeper, I can honestly say I am in love with you – when I go to sleep I think of you. When I’m at work and stressed, I think of you, when I’m lonely I wish I was with you – there is nothing more that I want in my life then you – you are the end all and the be – my whole perspective on everything has changed. I look at going out with friends differently, I look at other couples differently because I wonder if what they have is as wonderful as what I have with you – you are so special it is amazing. I look at other women differently – I think about them in terms of what you would say… You are the tops, the most beautiful, most amazing, most caring, most adoring person a guy could have in his life. I am blessed to have you in my life – I am the happiest I have been in many many years.
I had to sit down and write this because I didn’t know what to do – my mind is spinning uncontrollably right now – -the fact I hurt you for no reason, for no explanation and for NO meaning – that kills me inside, I want it to go away, I would do anything. The fact you are in there right now, not wanting to be with me when all I want to do is hold the person who I love and cherish from the bottom of my heart, with every ounce and ability I have inside me right now, to grovel on my knees to let you feel how much I love you – you can feel it – you can see it – you know it – it emanates from me – it consumes me – and I LOVE IT.
it’s funny how when you’re in the groggy state of sleep that you’re trying to shake off that it seems things get shaken around a bit in your head and pieces fall together to form interesting thoughts… sometimes they’re odd images of nonsense, and sometimes it’s shocking what you come up with.
since the wilco show sami and keller have been doing wall-to-wall flirting which shows up on my news feed. i haven’t had time to figure out how to filter some of this stuff away. i also know that tim sneath has a green card and jeff sandquist is going to fry’s. i guess that is why sami was in my mind. and then i thought about keller knowing and him not knowing that sami doesn’t know…
then i realized wait a minute.
he slept with her best friend.
sami == justin
but while justin claims it didn’t happen or doesn’t remember (therefore it wasn’t intentional) and i don’t know what the fuck happened and how…
they did it knowing, intentionally and on going.
funny how i forget the worst things about brian growing up. i remember the incident with the lawsuit in school (which wasn’t a him thing) but i forget that in the grand scheme of things he’d better drop it.
just to make sure i’m not still groggy and missing something, i’m going to go through this to be sure.
hannah and he were broken up.
so where we
but was it different?
no, she loved him and thought they were just broken up for distance sake
- proof points: brian flew her out to Seattle at least once on his dime. he hid me from her long after we’d been seeing each other. he knew better than to bring sami anyway around, but not enough about women’s intuition than to hide the flowers.
they still hooked up after and during this going on, he was sleeping with her and her best friend
differences: brian did it knowingly, ongoing, and would never have told her. be based not telling her on his perspective of the relationship knowing that wasn’t the shared truth.
when this first happened, he said something about telling hannah because she would probably enjoy it. he’s right. in her eyes justice was served.
i have no heart to make conclusions. i’m just happy to know that justin claims it didn’t happen or has absolutely no memory of it. and i’m not much better. but we were broken up, he broke up with me, and it didn’t happen like brian did with sami. i’m not like that. i may not be redeemed, but i’m certainly not worse than him.
and i would never wish any of brian’s past doings on himself. i don’t think he’s strong enough to survive what he’s done to others. i would rather protect him and see him be a better person. that was the best statement he’s every made about me, that he’s a better person with me.
you know i haven’t been proud of how i’ve been feeling lately. so lost, so desparate, so angry, so abandoned, so unloved. most of all i haven’t been proud of how felt like it wasn’t worth living if brian had given up on me. on us.
but the end of that last post shocks me. i can’t believe what i wrote. sure, janice takes the week of the week i have something to start talking about! it made me think of how much no one really knows. of the fear i used to live with. how i used to hate that there weren’t any bruises. it wasn’t bad enough for anyone to help, but enough to destroy me. i’ve known for a long time that justin reminded me of brad. that attitude.
i feel like it’s the worst idea to write this, but i wish that i could have vengence. i couldn’t comprehend what was going on then, but i can now. why did i shrink back in fear? i could have stopped it. i could have destroyed him. and it’s funny, what brad did to me doesn’t seem as bad. i’d prefer that to what justin did. brad only did that to me once.
i guess i don’t spend alot of time thinking back (haha, i just broke from my tears that were about to start when i realized that brian hates when people write “a lot” as “alot”. god i love him. i’ve tried so hard to fix that error after he casually mentioned it once!)
what was my point? i guess that i don’t spend a lot [sic] of time thinking back because it’s so bad. it’s a nightmare i lived. but i don’t know that i learned a grander lesson from it. sure i don’t think i’ll ever let a guy threaten me physically anymore, but that’s not because i hit back, it’s because i won’t get into that situation. i’ll walk away. fact is i’m scared shitless of being fucked up by some guy. of finally getting the shit kicked out of me the way i’ve always feared. but you can’t always protect yourself from getting into the situation. i could get mugged, and i guess i would just let it happen. i think that’s different, but still. point is, i walked right into this mess thinking i was safe. and when it came down to it i just let it happen to me. i’m just like my mother. i remember her telling me when i was young that she just let it happen because it was easy than fighting back and arguing with her brother over whether or not his friend just raped her. i’m not better than my mother.
i think i might find a self defense class. but what i really want is the ability to devastate some mans ability to ever think of having children the next time someone comes anywhere near crossing the line. i fucking dare them. but see that’s just how it works. you have to be sure he’s warranted it, because you can’t take it back. it reminds me of what my dad told matthew once when matt was pissed. he said “hit me. but make it count, kid. you’d better lay me out because you only have one shot.” i imagine that’s the gist of it. that’s why i never fought back.
i remember one night putting a knife under my side of the bed. brad found it. that’s the night the gouge was put in the kitchen wall. i held to the knife with all my might because i knew at that point it was a stupid idea because now i was fucked. he pinned me to the wall (why do i still remember so vividly the colors of those walls?) and kept smashing my wrist against the wall. i remember being afraid on two accounts then… not only what he’d do to me after he got it free from my hand, but also that it would fall to my feet and i wasn’t wearing shoes, and there was alot of skin along the way. i don’t remember the end of the story. i probably begged. i don’t know. i think that was the same night that i had written the poem below.
truth be told, i don’t want to work through this shit, i just want to be protected and forgiven. i don’t want to turn these stories over in my head, analyze them, look for flaws in my behaviors, figure out what caused what, and all that. it’s a life i can’t even picture as being mine. and i lived it for four years. i just want to forget.
but i want to learn how to hurt a man. there is a movie i’ve always secretly liked. it’s with jennifer lopez and it’s called “enough”. and there is an older one with julia roberts called “sleeping with the enemy”, but that one didn’t strike me as much as enough did.
okay. i feel slightly better. i’m not raging inside. i’m exhausted. i think i’m taking a sleeping pill again tonight. olivia suggested sleeping on the couch… apparently that’s why i slept so well while my brother was here. apparently it’s because it feels like someone is sleeping beside you.
oh, and on that note, i’ll have to note that for all that brad did to me after i was rid of him the hardest thing to do was to sleep alone. i guess that is what i’m going through again. at least i’m not my mother. she knew that he was never coming back.
i’m so tired.
October 1999, Lest it should be forgotten.
I sit here in the dark. I feel pretty much nothing inside.
You are in a better place, but without me.
I don’t know what to say or do.
I can’t leave because you won’t let me live without you.
Death is not an option until Life is a reality. How can you die until you’ve lived?
I wonder if I will be here, and it’ll all be the same, many years from now.
I wonder if we’ll get a divorce and move on apart from each other.
I really can’t see a future, can you?
I can’t see one day when we’ll have kids.
I can’t see one day when our brothers and sisters return.
I can’t see one day when the sun shines on us together.
I can’t see one day when you dance with me.
I can’t see one day when our children are born.
I can’t see one day when they grow up.
I can’t see one day when someone else’s life continues becomes more important than our own.
I can’t see one day when you smile lovingly down at my face.
I can’t see one day when my dad is alive.
I can’t see one day when we live.
I can’t see one day when we live forever.
I don’t want it to be like this. But there seems to be a problem bigger than us.
But, you can’t fix a something that isn’t broken.
And you don’t think that there’s anything broken.
How do you love someone who isn’t themselves?
How do you love someone who isn’t alive?
How do you love someone who doesn’t notice?
How do you love someone who doesn’t reply?
I want to believe in us, but there doesn’t seem much to believe in.
I want to believe in God, but noone seems to be out there.
I want to believe in love, but there is only hate.
I want to believe in you, but you don’t seem to care.
What ever happened to when we used to talk, together?
What ever happened to when we used to cry, together?
What ever happened to when we used to laugh, together?
What ever happened to when we used to work, together?
I try so hard to look forward.
But to what?
I try not to look back,
but you do.
More and more we gain, less and less we have.
Other people envy us.
They think we’re so great.
How they would love to have someone like us,
and to love and to take.
But if only they really knew,
if only they cared.
But no one bothers,
no one dares.
Who wants to admit that something is broken,
Who wants to admit a three-cord bond that is torn?
Who wants to help when evil befalls us,
who wants to carry us thru the storm?
But up to us it is, to make it thru.
Up to us it is, to practice the things we should do.
But so far away the days seems to fade.
So far away when it all seemed so clear.
So here I sit, and there you are.
At the meeting, so close but so far.
What does it take to feel again?
What does it take to live again?
What does it take to avoid death at the end?
This letter, like all, it must end.
Do you fear death, my love, losing my life?
Do you fear the pain in my Mom’s eyes?
Do you fear answering to why I wasn’t happy?
Do you fear trying to pretend it hasn’t happened?
One day I will be gone.
One day you won’t notice.
One day I will be gone.
And no one will notice.
You’ve lost me so far.
They’ve all lost me so far.
They say when God seems far away
you should guess who moved.
I guess I’ve moved, and he doesn’t know my forwarding address.
A friend who doesn’t write,
but cares all the same?
Why doesn’t someone stop me,
from this life that I live?
Why doesn’t someone love me,
from this hate that I give?
When does it all end?
I picture my head, my hair a mess and bloody…
you accidently pushed too hard, and I hit it on the corner of the bed.
I picture my baby, laying in the toilet.
You pushed too hard, and hurt my stomach.
I think it’s better this way.
That I die so others may live.
Don’t worry I won’t kill myself,
I have someone else to do that for me.
tonight i went to happy hour with Kei and Chris. i did manage to get five tickets for all us to Young Frankenstein.
i was sitting there at seven when i checked my phone to find out that i had missed meeting up with Olivia. i had had it scheduled for tomorrow, and inadvertantly stood her up. i paid my bill and raced over to the spa to meet her.
afterwards we went to the mall, and she had me go into Tiffany’s and another jewlery store. she wanted to see watches (for paul) and necklaces and earrings. nobody but me knows, but shes buying us the amazing three diamond necklaces and matching earrings. the necklaces are almost $700 each. i didn’t see how much the earrings are. when she told me i told her that they are amazing, but that we love her and that nobody expects that… that if she needs to cut back that they should be the first to go! (she isn’t thinking of it, but thought i could help…) i guess i’m just stunned. no one, no one, has ever been so generous to me before. i don’t own jewelry that expensive, let alone a friend spending over a $1,000 on me! i’m stunned and humbled.
we went from there to ann taylor where i ordered $300 worth of shoes to find one pair that might work. i don’t know why, but they are all $100+ a pair. that’s as much as the dress… but oh well, its nothing compared to what she’s spending. then the lady at the counter said that i could have free shipping if i had an ann taylor card. well, brian owns the card. i looked over at olivia and then realized that it was just easier to call. so i broke the pact and called brian to get his social security number so they could look up the card. then i was just flabbergasted. he was so warm and happy and friendly and easy going. it kills me. my heart wonders if he is reaching out to me, if he misses me. then there is the insecure cynical me that “realizes” that he’s just giving me the nice guy routine, or treating me as a friend, as in here’s my effort because i don’t love you anymore but we can still be friends, right?
olivia and i went to sushi and reed called. he had texted a couple of times tonight. oli and then went upstairs for a bit and i made her tea. she left just before 11 so i could get on this crazy late night conf call i’m on right now.
so yeah, i tried hard to not think of brian today, but i saw him pulling into the garage… i looked right past him, but his face went from a huge smile to flat when he turned and saw me. and then he left his laptop sitting on the table in the conference room as we were all leaving and i had to try so hard not to care, to go over and collect his things or call and see if i should grab it for him. i mean, reasonably, he wasn’t far, but still it was in me to take care of it, of him.
also i stopped this morning on the way into the office to get a mini bottle of advil or tylenol for my purse because brian has said several times lately (and boy it kills every time) that real women always carry pain medicine. well it came in handy because miwa needed some and i had it for her. as she sat down (on the other side of Brian across the aisle) she thanked me and i smiled at her, and realized that brian was looking thinking that maybe i meant him. i think he figured out that i was looking past him, but it just sucked and at the same time maybe it made him feel good for a moment that i was smiling so genuinely, and then crushed to realize it wasn’t for him.
i have to say i feel bad that i wanted him to hurt, but i think in reflection it’s just that i wanted him to realize that he cared. that he cared that my smile wasn’t for him, and maybe there would be a moment where he wished it were for him.
okay, his name has been mentioned several times now in this call. i can’t escape him!
moving on – ok, so i’m planning out my time, both until the end of the month (i’m not going to assume that brian will be done then, but it’s a starting point to plan against) and through the end of september when i start my final quarter as a graduating senior.
mike texted earlier. i called him back after olivia left. he was waiting to board. he said he’d be there for the next hour, but i think he’ll have boarded already. honestly i’d rather not talk to him tonight, i’d rather just stick with my sad thoughts about brian.
oh, tonight made me realize just how much i distrusted brian’s intentions. he bought me the gift certificate from gene juarez (where i started tonight with olivia) and then he comes with a necklace (and i was there too… and said to her that i could never imagine him in there, she said paul or omar either, and i smiled to myself when i realized i could picture him in there far more than them; an odd kind of pride). i don’t know why guys buy gifts when they feel bad or they’ve hurt you. its so sad. why couldn’t he have bought me lingerie when he thought i was irresistable?! or a necklace when he still thought that he was going to marry me?
separately on another tangent it bothers me that i have yet, in our entire relationship, found a meaningful gift for him. i just found one for eilon – but brian, nope. i know that the cabinet was really thoughtful and that it rocks (from a functionality, duration of giving back kind of way) but that’s like getting a vacuum cleaner… or not quite as bad.
last night, did i mention, that i hurried home hoping that he hadn’t tried coming over after the show and gave up because i wasn’t there? i don’t know. but i did. i’m so pathetic. i just love him and want to huggle and snuggle and love him.
i know it’s the right thing to give him time and space, but i’ve felt so unloved (and boring) for so long that i don’t know how long i can hang on. i’m afraid the spirit of our love will have died inside me. at this point it’s all i can do. it just has hurt for so long that i think it’s burned my heart leaving a few embers in ashes.
i think this is why we keep going as we do. classic us is to get back together again, but neither of us has enough constitution to stick out necks out and give more and love until the other can love back. we’re both just too freaking scared and we hobble along until someone gives up and backs up again and then we start the next roller coast dive.
what i wouldn’t give for security. how ironic that i felt most secure when i was in actuality the most insecure.
oh well. who knew i’d be looking forward through the end of summer to school just so i could dive in again. it’ll carry me to the new year, and then i can do whatever i want or need to do.
oh, i have an interview being set up. i’m not certain i really want to – it might really mess with the little clarity i’m trying to work on, but i guess it’s not bad to continue furthering my options.
when i called rachel she was at dinner (she’s just gotten back from india) and hasn’t called me back. i checked out flights today, and like mike know that i was thinking of going. that worries me, i think that i need to establish what seems to be a foregone conclusion, but i’m really tired of thinking i’m safe and that i know where things stand and being slapped in the face. he’s supposed to be back in seattle mid-september or so anyway, so maybe i’ll just do a weekend with rachel and then see him on my own turf.
oh, another side note. i have a perverse daydream of what i’d do to the next guy who tries to take advantage of me in some way. i think about all the options, and i’m working up my mental imagery so i can see it through if ever given (or i should say when i’m given) the opportunity to see my daydream in reality. i think i had a breakthrough moment when i realized that i am afraid of fighting back, of what “he” might do (whoever he should be) to me. i guess it goes back to being fearful of brad, but to be honest i feel like it could be a relief to be hit or something. no body feels sorry for the girl who was taken advantage of who doesn’t have bruises… she should have fought back. let me castrate you mother fucker and then you can knock me fucking in the face. i’ll have my day.
So as I was reading through the earliest posts the other night (because as a dumb ass I broke my privacy of years and gave this URL to Brian… what was i thinking?!) I came across a post from 2002 where I mention considering moving to Rome with Shelly. Two thoughts struck me at once. First, who in the hell is Shelly? And second, I wanted to move to Rome? I hadn’t even visited for the first time yet!
So here I am thinking I want to write about Mike. Maybe Mike will be a meaningless name one day just as Shelly is, and if that’s the case I want to have record of how he impacted my life.
Tuesday of a week ago I was hanging around in Fremont waiting on Mat to get off work so I could apologize for ditching him the previous week. We had made loose plans (albeit when he’d be drinking and he’s not had a good track record of reliability) to hang out on Tuesday night. At about 7:30 I decided to give up as I hadn’t heard from him, and started walking back to my car parked in the usual locale in Belltown. I was hungry and realized I should take advantage of the choices before going back to the Eastside. This is how I ended up at Wasabi Bistro.
Side story: Incidentally, the day prior while I was at the gym, I thought of Josh McBride and how I should look him up to work out again, and hell, to hang out since I’m amping up my social life in the short time I have before school starts again…
As the waitress is leading me to my seat at the bar, who do I see but Josh sitting there with the most amazing looking model/actress like woman. I don’t know where he finds these girls! We chat for a few minutes, promise to call, and then I head to my seat. For some reason the waitress sat my things next to a single guy at the bar. There was an empty seat on the other side of him, and one at the end of the bar next to my menus. I debated quickly whether it was better to move the menu gracefully down a seat to the end, or just take where I was seated next to this guy. I realized that I would end up chatting him up as another solo diner, so sucked it up and took the assigned seat. We started chatting immediately and had a lot of fun with our conversation. (And I got my sushi first!) I didn’t have a drink, but at this point was still a little bummed from having lost my plans for the evening, so when he finished wolfing down dessert I asked if he’d like to join me at Black Bottle, making it clear that it was just a friendly invitation, and offered to drive him down to his ferry after. He accepted, and off we went. There was just enough time for one drink there, and then I dropped him off. He got my email so we could continue our “interesting” conversation as penpals and then he mentioned he’d be back in Seattle tomorrow either way, leaving it open for me to respond. I said if he’d be interested I’d show him some of the stuff we’d talked about, most being restaurants.
I was in a brilliant mood because I remembered this being like the amazing life I used to have. Meeting random people, and feeling as though I was sparkling. It was like I was back in Rome. Vitality restored. I called Brian, and he wasn’t home yet (phone went to voicemail) and then I got the great idea to drop by and rip the CD for him (I bought the new Brandi Carlile at Swerve on my walk to Wasabi from Pike’s). So I raced upstairs, popped it in, left a postit note and got the hell outta there. Johnny said both “hi” and “bye”, he was smiling at my sing-song voice and happy face. As I was pulling around the corner of Brian’s building he called… we must have missed each other in the elevators. It left an awkward conversation, where I didn’t know what I should do. The confident Angela never would have pulled to the side, I would have stuck to the plan, but unfortunately I’m not that girl right now. I’m dying for his affection, his love, his validation, his anything. I would give anything for him to smile on me, my own personal sunshine. Anyways, I don’t really need to remember the end of that portion of the story or how it made me feel, so moving on…
The next night I pick up Mike and we head to Lake Union’s Blue Water for drinks. Conversation picks up just where it left off… I don’t remember tons of details about what we talked about, but it was just fun easy going conversation like two young kids in grade school goofy to slightly more serious stuff. That night I tell a little of the story about Brian and I. We change venues to go to Thai Tom’s for dinner, and I learn that he’s a Republican. It strikes me as funny because I realize that that means something to me now. (Indication of how much I’ve changed in the past several years.) Dinner was good, then we head to the “cozy, like it gives you a hug when you sit down” place on Captial Hill, Bleu, for after-dinner-prior-to-dropping-him-off-to-go-see-the-boys-drinks. (Yaffe was in town.) I had one lemon drop, and then he ordered a second round, and then we bolted for the ferry. He missed the ferry, Brian told me that there was no reason to come over, and I had to pee. I killed time with him while he waited for the next ferry (which wasn’t until 12.50am!) and actually fell asleep. The next day we met up again (which only happened because I had my violin lesson) though I was feeling pretty miserable. I think I had an allergic reaction or something, because in total I had 4 drinks in 6 hours, with a big dinner. He headed to the airport, and I thought, well that was cool.
I was surprised, not entirely, but still, surprised when he called from Hawaii (this is all business travel) and each day since. I don’t think there’s a day we have chatted at least briefly. He’s this weird buddy who reminds me of a golden retriever while not in a way that makes him pitiful. He’s a solid single guy who’s attractive, dresses well, makes good money, and has a great personality. He’s also Republican and Baptist with an Alabaman southern accent living in Cleveland. He reminds me of how much I’m in love with Brian. Oh, sure, he thinks I’m a moron and he’s a big naysayer for my own good. But looking at him I know that I love Brian. Just as in Italy with Marano, I have no desire, and the thought of dating him. Yag thought he sounded perfect, and that’s when it hit me that it just isn’t. Brian’s the one for me. Sure I can see positive qualities in other people. I can look at people and appreciate “he’s hot” or recognize feeling fantastic like I should with Brian. But it’s not something I want, I want Brian. I love Brian. I want to find that again with him. It’s all I’ve wanted since we first went astray… when we first met and broke each others hearts before we could even admit that we were just right.
So that’s the story of Mike. I’m happy he’s in Cleveland, because I don’t need him getting any ideas, but somehow I’m sure that it’s not about that for him either. We’re two nearly genderless people who can provide a virtual shoulder in a hectic world. And he knows that I love Brian despite as much as he’s trying to kick me to the curb. And somehow I think he doesn’t judge me for that… he just does his best to understand and reason with me.
So I don’t know who Shelly is, and maybe 5 years from now I won’t remember who Mike was. But it’s nice to have people come in and out of your life to be there when you need them.
And Andrea? Well that’s another story. I think it kills him to see me in so much pain. I don’t talk to him right now because I think he can’t reconcile the girl he knew in Rome with the one I am here at home. Frankly I have a hard time doing the same. It’s just insane to see how insecurity wrecks the soul, your confidence, your self-esteem… your sparkle.
I can have Rome here. I know it. And now I know that I have to, even if it means that I lose the love I have sought for so long. Because if I don’t, why would he want me anyway?
It’s nice to know I have support, I have friends. They are friends I’ve known all less than six weeks, but they are my friends. And anyone who would question that, well, they don’t me.
This is my life. I remember this.
Now to meet friends for happy hour!
one of the most awesome things about being single – traveling on a whim! i’m looking at tickets for two weeks out.
had coffee with a friend this morning and after chatting he told me about a choice he made for a girl. he asked if brian would ever do the same for me. i realized i had just posted about that (was it last night?). but’s that’s not really what i’m about. i know what brian is about, i’ve known from the beginning. i’m not going to try to have him compromise his career to take care of my needs. at the same time, i’d like to think that i take care of (or remain aware of) my own, but it’s a choice i make to be with him. i believe that one day there will be time for more travel, or living somewhere with some god damn sunshine. but hey, to be with brian means being in seattle. so i guess the answer is no, but i think maybe one day. but either way, i’m no dummie.
i just got back from eilon’s place and i’m so elated. it looks so fantastic, he has a real home. it’s cozy and wonderful and amazing. you will be or would be so proud. i was beaming with pride and it was so very hard not to call you and tell you about it. when i experience joy and happiness, i want to share it with you.
i’ve decided that i’d rather feel happy than sad. that i’d rather not sit here and ‘wait’ miserably. that may be harder than i imagine at this point, but i’m going to try.
if i can be happy without you, then surely i could be happy with you if we are together again. and if we aren’t then it only helps that i’ve moved on and found my own happiness.
i just have to swallow the lump in my throat when i realize all the things that i want to share with you, and that i can’t… i must move on. i think that’s what you want me to do. this isn’t our summer. you warned me in the spring, and i’ve been in denial ever since. besides, you don’t even appreciate summer or even Dave like i do. so it’s okay, you wouldn’t get it anyway.
today it’s been rolling around in mind what you said last night (was that only last night, it seems like so much has moved inside me). you said that you used to find me irresistable. you couldn’t resist me.
i know i can be that again.
are you thinking of me? do you miss me? or at least just feel a little sad that i’m missing it?
i feel oddly content, sad, and just thinking of you. hoping you’re having a good time, and feeling that warm feeling of love. and hoping that maybe, just maybe, you think of me at least for one small moment fondly.
on the other hand, it would kill to know you didn’t think of me at all, or that you did and you were glad i wasn’t there or that it was with a bad thought.
i wish i wouldn’t have told you that i didn’t miss you when you called. that wasn’t the truth, i just didn’t know any better. the truth is that i had missed you. and then let go of you.
they say first you get mad, then you get even.
i get mad, frustrated and hurt all in one devastating ball that usually comes with a runny nose that needs blowing.
and it’s usually, or at least lately, because i’m feeling pretty stupid about something.
the backstory on last night…
on sunday night i was shopping online for folding lawn chairs so i could pick up two for the show, to surprise brian.
the day before that i cleaned my house and organized things and made it pretty and neat… just in case brian was going to spend the night after the show. (it needed it anyway, but it was specifically to please him)
and you want to know the sad thing? i would give anything to have him show up to sleep in my bed tonight.
[reflection: one night two weeks ago he showed up after a dinner and said that he wasn’t planning on spending the night. i smirked to cover the pain that he’d lie, that he couldn’t tell the truth. the truth is he packed a bag before he left his house… unless he planned on staying at someone else’s house?!]
another side note: jana spoke of him coming to north carolina, i thought that was this week… if so, i take a little bit of comfort in the fact that she didn’t know that he’d changed his mind. course if he did go, i don’t think i could handle it. what does your heart do when its already broken…? just break into smaller pieces until its dust? i guess that’s true. i guess that’s how you stopping love someone else.
i worry that when/if we get back together again that he won’t be able to love me in a way so as to convince me that he really is there and invested. that he really wants to be with me. that he chooses me. that he is committed to me, to us.
after all that we’ve gone through and will have been through, what can you do to start fresh? how do you symbolize a new beginning?
does he know that he’s going to have to come to me? does he know that he has all the power? does he know he holds my heart in his hand as it bleeds to death?
i thought he knew that i was waiting for him to claim me as his girl again before i left for italy. i think that was even in writing somewhere.
maybe he really didn’t want to… maybe he thought about it and didn’t realize he wanted me until after i was gone.
why would you be so careless about such a special thing?
all our relationship has been built upon how very god damn technical he is about everything. remember the arguments over whether we were dating or seeing each other? when did he first call me his girlfriend?
technically we’ve been broken up since april, friday the thirteenth.
“ok fyi it might not be charlie, I’m not sure who gets the ticket… “
in being honest with myself i have to admit that i believe this means that he’s “prepping” me for one day finding out that a cute chick who was previously identified “got” the ticket.
i don’t believe him when he says that when he said “if i’d have known [that we weren’t dating] then i would have done things differently” means that he wouldn’t have made different choices when presented with options i’ll never be aware of.
i wonder if he knows/remembers that HE was the one with the control. that he was the one who broke up with me. that he never claimed me again. that he never bothered to mention that i was his girlfriend again. it didn’t stop me from acting in accord with that [insert proper girlfriend reaction and behavior with Marano here]… but it still hurt like hell.
ok. so in the interest that i can drop this, because it’s a current hurt and not one that i can just bury but instead need to vent on, i’ll vent here and hope that i never bring it up again.
july 5th-7th, “our guest jana”. it was a great way to end a holiday away, missing my boyfriend. i couldn’t understand why he hadn’t called. i was trying to be cool about it. he was flying home (took more than a day of flying) and then he was surely exhausted, and then it was july 4th. but i became a mad woman, missing him, and wondering why he didn’t miss me too?
then i go to show rachel his photos. the internet connection had died in sorrento… it’s funny, i wouldn’t have seen anything there… but days later it’s staring me in the face.
no wonder he didn’t have time to call.
my trip was boring compared to his weekend.
the worst are the few photos of just her at the barbeque. not group shots… photos of everyone. no, just a couple of just her. her looking at him.
brian mentioned last night how people are sweeter to you when they feel guilty.
i wonder when he bought the locket.
P.S. I wish I knew what he was thinking when he posted these pictures… did he mean to hurt me? Did he think that I wouldn’t care (how could he ever imagine that I could be secure enough to deal with them)? The only reason I try hard to believe she means nothing is because I can’t really believe that he was so mean. He couldn’t possibly have thought at all about how it would feel to see these photos. Therefore, he really couldn’t have meant anything by it… but that’s why his comment about having done different things if he’d known haunts me. that’s why she haunts me. they just look like they’re having so damn much fun. they look good together. and to think i was missing him. it makes me so very sad. he didn’t call until the weekend.
When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
High up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
If you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
Tears stream down on your face
I promise you
I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
its so hard not to email brian. i’m used to communicating, or maybe it’s just because now i can’t. i start emails and have to close them and turn here instead.
just was wondering…
“if you could ask me to do something, to be something, to focus on or change something while i’m waiting and giving you time and space, what would it be?”
i just realize that i’m inclined to wait because it preserves the moment, the love, the inclination to love and adore him and not instead to return to the pain of rejection, of “commitment” that came to such a crushing end.
i realized in writing that sentence that i don’t know what he wants from me other than to go the fuck away. i don’t know how to best be ready for us if that should be what happens. i am taking violin lessons and italian lessons during the week, and besides this week, i see my therapist weekly. nights are the parts that are hard. thankfully right now i’m just really tired, and i will be tomorrow night too because i’ve committed myself to plans so i won’t be sitting at home missing a show. (instead i’ll be out doing the same, but whatever.) so tomorrow night, wednesday, i’ll hopefully have a quiet night at home either reading, or watching some movie (i want to rent “Little Miss Sunshine”)… i guess in that moment i hit on the point of what bothers me about this whole thing in relationships where people need time and space. things change, people change, moments are had and passed, and people grow during that time and space. i’ve been wanting to see Little Miss Sunshine with Brian since Andrea told me how good it was. but i’ve been waiting patiently because i want it to be a good experience… but meanwhile i’m dying to lose myself in a good movie… if i give in and see it, it’ll be a moment passed for us. sure someone might say that that’s trival and i’m way too into experiences… but i am.
i’ve enjoyed all the experiences with brian. last night he mentioned the foriegn flick that i netflixed and then he watched after i immediately passed out. in some distant way that’s validation to me that movies are, just like concerts, and other things, special moments to be treasured with someone you love.
another example? i have the fremont outdoor theater on my calendar for Saturday night. i added it last week, and i don’t think i ever sent it to brian. i was just hoping that after all the visitors had finally cleared out of town that we would have settled into something that would have allowed for us to experience that for the first time, together.
but i realized that waiting isn’t healthy. but i still don’t want to go see the show without him. i don’t want to see Little Miss Sunshine and not share it with him. but what AM i supposed to do?
both school and brian have made me feel like befriending or rekindling a friendship would be unfair during this short time period. they would serve as temporary friends who would be dropped as soon as either the school quarter starts, or brian and i reconcile. and if we don’t reconcile…
i guess that’s the other thing that sucks about this. i really do just have to sit and wait. i hope brian remembers that i loved rome before i thought that he’d ever hate me. the two inclinations are not interwined. unfortunately i know that his needs, his career are more important (to him) than me (or being with me, if i need to be elsewhere)… so while in rome andrea helped me work through my independence and realizing what it is that i specifically wanted. what i want is to be happy. i want to be able to give back and to have a full life. bottom line is that i want my confidence and security back. that’s a complicated little thing… it’s intertwined in both my relationship with brian, my relationships with others, and my career.
my relationship with brian has left me nothing less than devastated. i never felt truly secure. he has a tendency (understatement) to speak in absolutes. if i like the beach it’d be a deal breaker because he can’t stand it. religion was always under the covers.
fuck. jesus christ. how the fuck did i forget that? last night when i told him how it is that i never felt/knew that he was committed to me for pretty much the duration of our relationship he seemed flabbergasted and as if i had insulted him. well i just recalled the misery of waiting, waiting, waiting to have “that conversation”…. you know the one where we’d talk about our future, evaluate the concerns i knew he had about religion (and lay some of those to rest, and hopefully leave him a little more at ease) but we never could… every time i would approach it, it was as if he didn’t want to break the moment… it left me feeling like the conclusion of that conversation was to be dreaded… that he was just preserving our time together until he told me that he could never marry me because _______. i never really wanted to push; me and my insecurity. i didn’t want to see like that girl who was pushing for marriage. i don’t want to be labelled as the girl who says “we need to have a talk” (though i’ve certainly earned it by now, haven’t i?).
why don’t i stop to realize these things before it’s done so much damage. i sit here and wonder how my self-esteem could be so devastated when seemingly our relationship should have helped build it along the way. well i miss so many obvious things. it’s not like i’d say (before it popped out of my mouth last night and sounded true) that brian wasn’t really committed to me. as a matter of fact, i would say that we are, but we just don’t talk about it… i’m sure i’ve told corrina that before. it was barbara (and now janice) who pointed out that we’ve been casual about each other the entire relationship, that we’ve always been one foot out, that we haven’t truly committed to each other, as barbara would say “have each others backs”, or as i saw to be fighting for each other (mutually).
in a conversation about two weeks ago with barbara i told her that we have always been out of sync, when one of us is more invested the other one is protecting them selves, more distanced. we’re never both 100% invested, secure, and loving at the same time.
i’m rambling. i do that. i do it when i’m tired especially. i’m sitting here wondering why goldfarb is still sitting in his office.
the sun keeps trying to make its way out. i’ve felt bad all day because i don’t want it to. i thought i was being selfish, that my motivation is that i didn’t want his night to be pleasant.
i’m happy because i just realized (as i look out and still hope that clouds cover again) that it’s not about that… i just don’t want to be missing out. i gallantly said that wilco is his thing, but music is my thing. and if i didn’t know him, i’d be there. but as long as it’s crappy weather outside i can tell myself that i don’t want to be. i know it’s not the truth, but it’ll get me through the night.
btw, i cry in the shower. i can’t believe the unbelievably bad timing of not having a shower. i need to cry.
i need to cry for all the things i’m so sorry for
i need to cry for all the things i wished i’d done
i need to cry for all the simple decisions i wished i’d made differently
i need to cry for all that’s been wasted between us
i need to cry for all that’s been lost along the way
i need to cry for all that we might miss out of
i need to cry for all that we might never know
i need to cry for that we might have been
i need to cry for the past
i need to cry for the present
i need to cry for the future
i need to cry for all the fears i hold inside
i need to cry for the fact that he might find me boring again one day
i need to cry for the fear that he might not tell me so
i need to cry for the terror that he’d stay with me “for the kids”
i need to cry for the horror that we got here
i need to cry for the shame that so much of it was preventable
i need to cry for the regret that i couldn’t save us
i need to cry for us
i need to cry for me
i need to cry for you
i need a shower.